Thursday, June 25, 2015

WHEN I WAS DROWNING

(music: Clean - Taylor Swift)

This is one of the toughest posts I've ever had to write. I wouldn't exactly go with the cliche of that's saying something because I've had to write very difficult things, because I don't remember ever feeling this way.

I'm usually brave with my words and my feelings and I have no qualms about stating things as they are, so by stark contrast, the dread and pain I feel while typing this entire post is overwhelmingly different from what I'm used to.

To be perfectly honest, I feel ashamed of what will be said, and guilty, and remorseful and bashful, but I will go ahead anyway.

At the start of 2015, I'd just gotten out of something romantic and I kinda desperately pined for the guy who was already moving on unceremoniously. I didn't know that he was involved with another girl until way later, but he hadn't said a thing to me. I don't blame him for it now, I guess he and I had called it quits and I wasn't entitled to full disclosure, or whatever.

To help myself get back on my feet, I listened to 1989 a lot, and I started to love every song that was on it. I also did a lip-sync of Blank Space, as well as a "video cover" of Shake it Off. I decided to wear red lipstick whenever possible, to embody everything that Taylor iconised.

In mid-April, I started talking to an American guy who was doing a world trip. He said he was 70% sure he would be living in Singapore sometime this year, and I cross-checked with his workplace (he was featured on their webpage), and indeed the company has a base in Singapore.

We talked about our common interests, so many of them, we had quote-offs of our favourite movies, I giggled at all his nerdy jokes, his silly selfies, and everything that you could slot into a whirlwind romance.

He told me that there was a video of him singing Shake it Off, so I let him see the videos of myself emulating Taylor Swift.




He liked them, and I liked him even more. We sent voice notes, photos, shared opinions on world events, happening in Singapore (Amos Yee) and in the US (Freddie Gray), etc.

One day before we met in May, I found a lady's Facebook profile, and many of her profile pictures were of the two of them together, so I asked him about it. This was his response.


I went through his Instagram, and indeed she seemed to have become inactive in commenting with him, etc. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we met when he was in Singapore for work.



I fell for him hard and fast, and I wrote a lengthy post about him. He went back to the US, and told me he'd be back in Singapore in August, during which time we would meet again.

By this time, he knew of my recent experience with the guy from earlier this year, and he promised if anything happened with any other girl while he was away, he would be completely honest so that I wouldn't be disappointed.

In the meantime, my workplace moved into a new office, and I decorated the wall of my workspace with Taylor's 1989 Polaroids as well as my own Instaxes from my 25th birthday celebration in May.




Last week, I watched a video of Taylor Swift performing a 1989!version of Love Story at Radio 1's Big Weekend.


I loved it, and I was so sure I'd watch her live. I even tried to see if I could fit one of her US shows in my plans to visit the USA at the end of this year. I was disappointed because by the time I get there, her run of US shows would have been over.

And then, a few days ago, I was on Facebook. I saw on Dan's "ex-girlfriend's" page, that she had changed her profile picture to one of the both of them again. The comments on this one went like "cutest couple ever!" and "congrats on the move to NOLA! one of my favourite places!"

It didn't look like anyone or even the lady was happy that they'd gotten back together, it looked like they were reunited after one of them was out of the country for a prolonged period, and everybody was aww'ing about it.

I confronted Dan about it, and this is what he replied with:



The funny thing is: on 22 June, he'd just arranged an "intimate" FaceTime session with me.



I felt so conflicted when I saw her profile picture change, a mere 12 hours after he'd said this to me. The two things happened practically at the same time for both of us, because they're in a place 12 hours behind Singapore.

I was disgusted. First of all, I'm still not sure whether they'd really broken up while he was away. Second of all, he'd promised to tell me of other girls, yet he was talking dirty to me, whilst simultaneously "getting back together" with his "ex(??)-girlfriend".

I still don't know whether he would have told me had I not discovered it of my own accord and confronted him about it. Third of all, which self-respecting decent man would do this to a girl who's overseas while making the decision to "try" with his girlfriend?

He hasn't contacted me since, and I suppose he's given up on his "Singapore game plan". I told my close friends about this, and many of them were on the "don't tell her" camp, because I don't wanna "be that girl", I don't wanna hurt her, she might not wanna know, etc.

There were a thousand things going through my mind. I wanted to disclose it to her because I'm a feminist, and I always think women should first and foremost always have each other's backs first. I was afraid of being embarrassed in case they were really not together, but I figured if that's the case, then there was nothing to lose, even if I told her.

I thought to myself, be like Taylor. She writes her songs no matter what kind of critique and criticism she would receive, because they were her true feelings, and she owns them. It doesn't matter whether the media distorts her actions and misread her intentions, be sexist towards her, call her a bimbo, etc.

She wrote and sang it all, anyway. So I did the Taylor thing to do.

I did send the ex a long message on Facebook, with screenshots absolving myself and my conscience, but she hasn't "seen" it, it's gone to her Others folder as we're not friends. I did my best. Whatever happens now is out of my hands.

I've been feeling so down and depressed, because I honestly thought even if we didn't work out, he was such a great guy and I wanted to be friends with him. He was helping me plan my US trip for the year-end, yet he betrayed me in the one thing he promised. Now I can't trust him.

And baby, now we've got bad blood.

That very morning, I received a text from Bhavna with a screenshot of an FB teaser of an announcement for Singapore and China.


I know many of you reading this may not believe in God, but I do. I bawled about Dan in the train to work, but when I received this news, the weight in my heart was lifted for the most amazing while. I'd just envisioned last week, that I would watch her live, and now, I really am going to.

On that night, on the way back, I cried again in the train.




This time, however, I decided I'd brave the judgment, and talk about being played for a fool. I sincerely feel a right fool, I'd been so blinded by my feelings for him, and everybody could see it. I feel so embarrassed.

Everybody has been so supportive, though, and of course, of course, listening to Taylor/1989 has helped so much. Tomorrow Tim is gonna help me purchase the tickets with his Amex card, and I'm so glad, so grateful, that for every wrong person that appears in my life, there are about 15 right ones.

Thank you all. Please don't judge me too much.

I think I'm gonna take some time off from dating/guys. It's time to just focus on me, and love me, and own myself.

now that I'm clean,
I'm never gonna risk it

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