Tuesday, July 14, 2015

NOT AN INCH MORE ROOM TO SELF-DESTRUCT

(music: Totally Fucked - Spring Awakening)

Two nights ago, I received a text from you-should-know-who-by-now, asking me to take down the previous posts.


He says I was "unintentionally causing her a lot of pain". I would like to stress that he knowingly hurt both of us, and he's still trying to share some blame with me. Like my writing it out is what's causing her pain, not the fact that he did such an abhorrent thing.

Excuse me, you sent me lewd pictures of yourself while you were discussing marriage with her. You were still shameless enough to try and arrange booty call meetings with me in August, had I not exposed you. I did not know this was happening. What, you want to report me to the police now? Sue me for libel/slander? You can't, 'cos you know it's true, and I have proof of it.

You are a coward, up till now you won't even face up to reality, you won't read my blog because you know how much of it will hurt you, so you leave her to read it and hurt herself. And if that's not enough, you haven't sent me an actual apology in two weeks, but you did a "by-the-way I'm sorry" thing because you need me to bring it down, because now you feel sorry for the pain she's going through.

When she found out, this is what she said: "I'm very sorry he hurt you and hope you are able to move on as well. I definitely don't blame you and appreciate you and am very sorry that other people were hurt in this."

It may not have been lengthy but I can feel her sincerity and honesty in it. I still don't sense yours, mostly because "you have no idea how sorry I am" doesn't fucking cut it. Why don't you try? You're a smart man, I'm sure you can try express a sense of remorse, even if it's contrived.

Why is it that the person you fucking cheated on had to express an apology on your behalf, when she is, yes I daresay, more a victim than I am in this situation.

Grow up and face your faults, man. I was going to stop mentioning you already, but you dared to ask me for it, so that it wouldn't be out there, so she wouldn't be reminded of it daily. You used me, haven't given me a satisfactory apology and you're still trying to call in a favour from me? Are you that brainless? Is your EQ a negative value?

What, did you think just 'cos I'm an Asian girl, I'd be subservient to you, a white man with a privileged white man's mindset? You think you're like a loser in a world war, and you can just erase the facts and replace it with whatever you wish? Oh I'm sorry the things in my history textbooks are too harsh for you and your ally's frail delicacies, after you freaking hurt me. Stop fucking victimising yourself.

Did I not give you due warning? Was I not fair in telling you not to get involved with me if you weren't honest and true?

You think I'm blogging because I want to hurt either of you? I don't enjoy doing things out of spite, it's a defence mechanism for me to get back at you instead of feeling bad about myself.

You don't think I'm trying to achieve my own peace and closure, that I was and still am struggling to come to terms with what happened, and this blog, this is my lifeline. After two months of playing me for a fool, you can't even give me two weeks to let me heal on my personal space.

I am never going to mention any of this in future, not because you asked me. I am doing so on my own terms, because the mere thought of you sickens me. It's not a favour to you, it's a favour to myself.

Now, please don't ever contact me again. Don't leave a blog comment, don't email me, don't text, just don't. Get out of my life, my blog included.

*

A couple months ago, a man whom I thought would be a good friend suggested a little something about the world map that I wanted to paint on my room wall. I've since found out he's not a decent person, let alone a good friend. Thank God for the friends that I do have, who may not be as well-travelled or "intelligent" but are decent, honest, kind and true.



I have decided to go ahead with his suggestion, because it doesn't take a genius to know I'm subversive, I don't see the world the way the rest of the world does. The wall painting will probably be complete by Raya (two more days!!! to food and family!!!) after which there will be photos, but I also decided to get something else done.


That is a North-South-inverted world map. It is on the left of my chest so it would be close to my heart. To be honest, I just wanted to show off my collarbones hahahahahah.


This could be ironic as a tattoo. In any case, it is one of my favourite quotes.

For when your heart breaks. When your head aches. When nothing makes sense. When you lose your friends. When your world is falling apart. When you need a brand new start.

This, too, shall pass.

Here is what I think of you and your bullshit requests:



Why don't you describe what you'd do to my lips? You were so fond of it at a time, while you were probably already back to sleeping with her. Mmmm, two girls at once, that was such a fantasy of yours. Oops, sorry sorry, no more snarkiness after this post.

Yesterday Huda called me Dr Sarah Mei Lyana, and I told her I'd probably never do a PhD.




Remember Huda? Remember your commitment to the cheating, you actually planned to meet one of my best friends? You said "knowing the kind of company you tend to keep, I think it'd be delightful." Oh man, how sad it is that you will never meet her now, then.

Thank you for all the lessons you've taught me. Dash, the graphic designer at work, told me something that had never struck me as such a truth before. He said, "be careful when someone seems 'too nice' or 'too good', the good guys never try to impress you so much."

And Dash is so right, good guys don't have to go out of their way to show that they're good guys, they don't have a motive to do so, besides just being inherently nice. You were just the opposite.

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