Monday, August 10, 2015


(music: Fight Song - Rachel Platten)

Dear Daniel B. Grayson, currently of Tufts Admissions and alumni, as well as Dexterity Global, this is a play-by-play of all the significant things communicated between us.

In April, I told you I'd recently just picked up the pieces of being strung along by the guy I was dating before you. I said Khairi had been stringing me along, instead of being upfront that he'd met and was dating another girl. I implored you to be honest with me, because I was still fragile and I didn't like being kept in the dark. Strike one.

Over the course of our chatting, I told you that my father was a serial cheater. That I've always had the subconscious and even waking mindset that men are all out for sex. You still used me, for no intents and purposes except for the fact that you were not in close proximity with the person you loved, and you needed an outlet to vent your urges. Strike two.

Having seen how my mum suffered from being cheated on, I told you I'd never cheat, nor would I ever forgive cheating. When you lied and said that you had broken up with your girlfriend on account of your travelling for work, I said you should try and work it out with her. I didn't know you two had never broken up, and you made me the other woman. Strike three.

You showed me no mercy on at least three counts. Now I'm returning the favour. Huda (you remember my best friend whose name you mispronounced multiple times just to troll me and get me to correct you?) and my sister Lyssa have tried to stop me from this.

They don't know what it is I want to do. Huda says I control the person I want to be, and she doesn't want me to be this person. I don't want to either, but I am, I have turned into this person thanks to you. Lyssa told me "I want to try and stop you but I know you'll go ahead anyway."

When I found out on June 23-26 that you were indeed cheating with me, I stopped crying quite early on, maybe within a week. I didn't know I'd pushed it to my subconscious. My stepdad returns home from work in the wee hours of the morning, he says I've been having even more restless sleep, muttering, murmuring, crying out, all the way till now.

I used to tell you I was prone to dreaming all the time, I didn't realise you'd turned them into frequent nightmares.

It so happens that I have a sort of built-in memory for personal associations, I take note of the little things about a person, and it has always made me good at getting gifts for people. I'm irked that it takes me so much to let someone in, to built trust and rapport, and you're now wasting space in my brain and database.

I remember the exact pair of Onitsuka Tigers you wear, I know the extra-strength painkillers you use, I've seen you doing your habitual faffling and other effects while on an international call with a colleague and his wife, I was pleasantly surprised to know you use Old Spice deodorant (it's such a US thing, so rare in Singapore). You treat your room as I would, with clothes strewn half-in, half-out of your luggage, because it's a hotel room after all, why dyou have to keep it tidy, amirite?

You might have broken her heart, but you broke me.
She might have forgiven you, but I won't.
She's the one who loves you, but I don't.

It's uncanny that you pride yourself on being able to read people easily, given that it's part of your job to assess students applying for your university. I'm trying to read you now. On May 22 you said you'd had your first bad day in four months, but you weren't gonna let it affect you. I've since figured that's how you handle things.

That's not natural. "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." If you think you can go on without facing your consequences, you will always be haunted by the ghost of my memory. You pretend this does not affect you, that you can move along after two months.

I want to tell you, you are not special from the rest of us. You are not blessed or lucky. You're not, as your boss used to put it, the "genius in the madness". You're just a mad person who thinks you're a genius. You've made your mistakes, and you can't get away with it.

A lot of the time, I think victims of cheating are made to feel like they're supposed to live and let live, and let go. Their feelings of being used and abused are invalidated, and if you do anything in return, you're spiteful. Well maybe I am, but you should have considered it when I told you everything that was pulling me down, that you were the final straw. I'm tired of being abused and keeping silent about it.

I can't afford a therapist, but I would also reckon what I'm doing now is an accumulated reaction to everything that I've felt torn about. Maybe this is together with 25 years worth of anger at my father, at all the cheats I've known in my life, at people who just can't be honest despite the many opportunities I've presented to them.

When people say cheating is "personal life" that shouldn't interfere with careers and "professional life", I don't see why that should be the case.

A shoplifter or a burglar has their action blacklisted in their records for future employers to make informed decisions. Cheats should receive the same treatment, because of all the emotional distress they've caused. I think cheating reflects on how trustworthy a character can be, this is someone lying to and/or about someone they love and are involved with. It says there's a certain degree of coldness and unfeelingness, which may or may not be what you want in someone you hire.

The most appalling and ludicrous thing is how you still deigned to cheat, Daniel B. Grayson, when you travel so much to recruit students for your university, believe in "global citizenship" and have social media accounts pretty much everywhere on the internet. Did you think "nobody knows me here" and nobody would track you down?

You are inthesarlaccsbelly on reddit, theperipatet on Instagram, tauntaunsbelly on snapchat, and you even have two Facebook accounts, and! How is it that you still thought you could have gotten away with cheating on your partner?

It amuses me that you actually included photos of yourself with Zac, what was it for, to seem sincere about being friends with me? Say hi to him for me.

There are many more photos, but the icing on the cake (or should I say, your crown jewels) won't be here in public, because there wouldn't be any leverage in that. I don't know when you'll receive your birthday gifts, but I hope you like surprises. Happy looking.

If there's anything else I have to say, it's for you to pray. Yep, you who are close to being atheist, I suggest you pray to God that I'm moved to forgive you. No other human being can change the way I feel now.

I used to, and still, feel that what goes around comes around, so maybe all this is happening to me because my own father broke many hearts. Maybe subconsciously I knew this was going to happen. If that's the case, pray that what you did now doesn't come around.

Pray, that if you have a daughter she doesn't meet a man who uses her and cuts her to pieces, where she's weak, that she doesn't get kicked when she's already down. Pray that if you have a son, he doesn't make the same mistake you did to a girl who will fight for herself, to mete out the same form of punishment, so you don't have to see your son suffering.

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