Monday, December 21, 2015

SO WE COULD DANCE
BABY, LIKE WE STOOD A CHANCE

(music: Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift)


looking at it now, last December
we were built to fall apart, then fall back together

/

when you started crying, baby I did too
when the sun came up, I was looking at you

/

but the monsters turned out to be just trees
when the sun came up, you were looking at me


Most of you might know that my family is in the process of shifting houses. I took really long to pack up my things, I think maybe because I love my room so much. I engaged in project roomover to get over seriously negative issues (I'm not sure if that was during or after the period of my mum battling her cancer).

I loved the mural that my once-best friend (whom our clique is now estranged from) helped me paint, with one of my favourite quotes.




I loved my vision boards, and all the gifts of love I'd received from all the amazing people in my life.



I loved my collection of favourite DVDs up on my wall.

Now almost everything is gone.



No more vision noticeboards.


The upside-down world map mural that I didn't complete because Mum told me we were moving. Sheesh. I shouldn't have wasted Nora's effort in painting the first half. -.-


No more cupboard and DVD collection. :(

I've felt simultaneously light and heavy about leaving this house and room. On the one hand, I've created a lot of memories here. Tonight will be the last night I get to jam to Taylor Swift in this room. On the other hand, if I do leave and live overseas, I wouldn't be thinking about this room since it's no longer mine.

The most painful thing, literally, was the fact that I stepped on a stray thumbtack from my noticeboard that had fallen on the floor, and it poked and pierced right through my sole so that only the flat top was just against my foot. I was shocked and angry and about to scream bloody murder but then I thought about the fact that I'd always wondered how it would feel to be accidentally stapled, and that solved it.

I pulled it out, washed it and put a band-aid on it. Luckily, band-aids may not fix bullet holes but they fix thumbtack wounds.

*

About two months ago, I got approached by a guy I didn't know, asking me to mind my father's behaviour, because my dad had solicited the random guy's fiancee for sex. I was initially in denial and refused to acknowledge it, but after about a week, I confronted my dad and all he had to say was he was sorry I found out he was an asshole.

I got so upset and so pissed off at that, because this man has six kids, the youngest of whom is only six months old, four months at the time this happened and I found out. He has SIX kids, one being myself, one of whom is Lyssa whom I love most in this world, one of whom only got to meet our dad for the first time when he was seventeen, and the other three are still KIDS.

If he's an asshole, he's not just an asshole dad to one person, he's the asshole dad for SIX people. I just could not. I keep wanting to forgive him, from the time I was seven and the divorce took place, and for everything else that has happened since then, but now I just, I don't know.

In the same year a man cheated on his girlfriend with me and broke me and changed the very fibre of my being, my actual blood father wanted to cheat on his wife. It is no wonder I feel like every fucking asshole I meet is just karma for having him as my dad.

It's just, I don't understand. I mean if you keep being unfaithful then don't make a commitment to any one person. Don't have kids. Don't create more people you can end up hurting. I understand the need for sex, I really do, but the need for sex outside of a mutually exclusive commitment that you promised to uphold, what the fuck?

I initially didn't want to say all this, I was holding it in, especially because Lyssa was never on good terms with him and I didn't want her to resent him even more. So I kept it away from her knowledge.

I've been thinking about it and I felt, if I shamed Daniel Grayson for being a douchebag for doing such a thing to myself and his girlfriend, I shouldn't have a double standard for my own dad. I still feel the act is disgusting and he should feel humiliated about it.

I don't know my father's intentions but he was trying to be the "good dad" afterwards and keeping in touch and asking about my travel plans, etc. Who knows if he just wanted to keep me quiet so I wouldn't break the news to my siblings/stepmum.

It irked me even more because all I wanted was to forget about him but he just made himself present. The worst part is that he owed my mum money for Lyssa, and he defaulted on the payment and didn't respond to my mum. She knows that he talks to me, so I had to pursue the matter last week.

This is such a frequent occurrence over the years, I'm always the middleman between them and nobody gives a fuck about my state of mind. I'm so sick and tired of being the one who talks to everyone and whom everyone talks to.

Sometimes I wish my mum would just stop asking him for maintenance money and let us cut off ties with him because it's not like that bit of money can really make him our dad, it doesn't and never will.

Recently, I met a guy who feels like me, but a male version. He's also from a broken family and his younger brother also has depressive tendencies, just like Lyssa does. I feel like as the elder sibling, he might have always felt the need to put on a strong front for his younger brother, like I feel for Lyssa too.

Something happened with his brother in the past weeks, and I think he was so affected by it, his mental health also deteriorated. It reminded me so much of Lyssa and myself, and I've just been feeling so drained all the time.

Anyway when the thing happened to him, I broke down and told Lyssa everything, including what our dad did. So now there is no onus to keep it away from everyone anymore. I don't give a fuck about him, he's toxic to my mental health and he lost the right to "protect" any of his loved ones when he made the horrible choice of wanting to cheat.

I've felt the urge to run away intensify in the past few months but my family are increasingly against it, especially after I broke down in front of them during lunch yesterday. My grandma told Lyssa that I'm used to being taken care of and I'm so prone to crying that I wouldn't be able to cope if I was sick or sad overseas.

My grandma also even guilted me with stuff like if she falls sick or something happens to her and I'm not around. This really creates a knot in my stomach because I love my grandma dearly, she's really always doted on me and I don't want to worry her and I'm indebted to her so I don't want her to ever feel like I don't reciprocate her love.

On the one hand, I honestly need to get away from this place. I want to grow up and face the trials of life by myself and become independent away from my comfort zone. I also feel like being around people I know, I keep having to pretend I'm okay, even if I'm not. I really feel like I want to nurse my mental health while I'm solo, and I could be happier alone.

On the other hand, I'm worried about my grandma and my sister Lyssa. I know Lyssa suffers from low self-esteem and abandonment issues, and even I have separation anxiety from her sometimes. I just want to bring her and run away from everyone we know, where no one can affect us.

Seeing how my guy's (I don't know how to refer to him, we haven't really addressed it) brother made him feel, when they are both living in two separate places, makes me worry about Lyssa, because I just want her to be with me so I know how she's feeling all the time.

Also, all my aunts in my extended family have been discouraging me from travelling, and this really disheartens me because I feel like I need it, my soul needs to do this, and it would make me happy. But I love my family and I wish they would give me their blessings and trust that I can do this, that I will learn what I'm meant to learn and either return a better person, or find my happiness elsewhere.

Please just let me go. I cannot take it here anymore. I compare myself to my cousins and peers and I feel like I can't deal with it. Not after 2015. I've made all the wrong choices this year, I've made bad decisions regarding work and money, love and men, and even friends. I never said no when I should have and I don't know where I'm heading in life anymore.

I honestly feel like breaking down at every turn, I just wish I could talk to a counsellor but of course, the people who usually need counsellors are the ones who can't afford them. I am just, God, damn tired.

The one thing giving me hope is looking at my mum as an example. At 25, she had a seven-year-old kid (myself) and a one-year-old baby (Lyssa) and she had just gotten divorced. She must have felt down and out and depressed and strongly negative about herself.

Now she's got a whole family, with four daughters who love her, and a really good husband, and her entire family (my extended family too) also have always loved her and supported her. I feel like my mother is in a good place now and is usually happy. If my mother can get her life together after 25, so can I.

I keep telling myself I'm still young and it's okay to make mistakes in my 20s. I'm flat broke and I may not have found a man to have the most stable and lasting relationship with, I don't know what I want to do for a job I'm passionate about and good at, and it's okay.

It will get better. I will get out of the woods.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey sarah! it's been such a hard year for you and so tumultuous, and i'm sorry it's all happened. i can only hope that it will lead you onward to better and brighter things, and that one day you'll turn back and look at 2015 and see it as the beginning of an age of change and love. i admire your luminous, open, honest soul, and it's so amazing to me that all this crap has not made you cynical, only tougher; i hope that your travels go well and that you experience a great deal of joy, and that the final two weeks of december will be restful and full of reflection and love and gathering to propel you into 2016 ♥ -kel

Sarah Lyana said...

Dearest Kel,

2015 was indeed one of the most trying in my life. I'm glad it's over so I can start on a new, clean slate. ;)
I am glad for your hope and I think I (with all my hope, as well) I'm already starting to see it as a sort of platform for change, for newer, more wholesome things. For me to push out the bad and the difficult, to accept something that comes more naturally, more pleasant and more positive influences in my life. The last two weeks of travel have helped so much, besides being physically stretched, my mind has been in a safe, healthy, happy place most of the time, and I thank God for it.

to a better, good, love-filled 2016 for both of us and our loved ones. <3