Sunday, September 11, 2016


(music: Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift)

Four days ago, or five, depending on which timezone you're counting from, I flew off from LAX. As luck would have it, I'd left my cap from the last time I was at Joey's, so Bill (the sweetest host, man, all my hosts were the sweetest???) drove me to SpaceX to get it before my flight.

I got to see and hug and give Joey a quick kiss before I left. Bill, who was waiting in the car, said he thought it would have been more dramatic, but if I'd dragged it out, I would have probably cried and felt sadder, so.

LAX and LA will always hold a special place in my heart.

My family moved into a new flat while I was away so when I came back, it was the first time I'm seeing the new rooms and everything. It's a bit of an adventure finding out which switches are for which appliances, or where the sugar and teabags are, it almost makes coming home fun. I'm sure I'll get tired of it in a month, though. ;P

Yesterday, I found out I might be meeting Joey again, and in just a little while. Nope, I'm not going back to LA so soon.

It reminded me of this performance of OOTW, which Taylor introduces in the video as the song she wrote for a relationship that was tentative and fragile, making her feel more anxious than not. (Speculations are that it's about Harry Styles of One Direction.)

we decided to move the furniture
so we could dance
baby, like we stood a chance

I think Joey and I are quite an easy fit. I enjoy being with him and I guess he enjoys spending time with me (he suggested the future meeting). I think, because our interests are very different, we are both content to do our own thing.

I liked that he's always busy with designing some part of a car or rocket or fiddling with his bike or playing music. I'm always reading or writing or doing something to do with fashion (also known as being vain).

At the end of most given days, he would let me choose a movie to watch together, and it felt simple and comfortable. At times, I would be tired like when I wanted to watch The Little Prince on Netflix and I fell asleep but he ended up watching it to the end.

Or he would predict my mood, and know when I would get hungry (he doesn't eat very regularly), and literally feed me when I was too tired or lazy to feed myself.

I like when I like someone enough that we don't have to fill our silences 24/7, he could be watching videos of rocket launches and I would be reading some unrelated book, and we would do those things separately, but together.

Through my conversations with him, and his friends and housemates and colleagues, I got a sense that Joey and I are more alike than not. Neither of us is likely to ever cheat. Based on our past experiences and also that cheating is more trouble and pain than it's worth. I think that's always a green flag, you know when you find someone whom you know would never cheat or break your heart, you kinda wanna hold on to them?

We are both creatures of habit, he opens up and gets along better with people he knows instead of strangers, and that's how I'm like too. I don't thrive on being in big circles of people, but give me one or two at once, and I'm more likely to ramble on and on, and enjoy the conversation.

We share something that works against expressing our sentiments, who even knows why. He doesn't really show affection unless he's tipsy or drunk, and I tend to go the weird long social-media way, instead of actually telling him how I feel.

He's also rather judgmental, Joey is. And because he's American, he says it plainly, because what does America mean if not freedom of expression. He says things like people playing Pokemon Go are going through natural selection, or that people using Snapchat filters are basic.

I think I used to be like that, but I've gotten better (hopefully). I definitely used to get feedback that I acted like I was better than everyone else. I used to love picking out English grammatical or typographical errors in the Southeast Asian countries I visited, before realising how fucking Western imperialist it was, expecting these countries who have so many more diverse backgrounds and cultures to bother about using "good English", as if English was the be-all, end-all of intelligence.

It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes:

"'Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'" — The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald

I dunno, I guess I was just even more entitled back then, and blind to my own entitlement, that everybody has their own reasons for being who they are. That not everybody could have had access to the education that I was privy to, or they could have had worse childhoods with abusive parents, or they just are better at different things, like nature and nursing, instead of rockets and writing.

Joey and I are also physically attracted to each other (at least I know I am, on my part) and I cannot push it aside, not that I'm even trying at all. I'm superficial, fuck that.

I don't know, I adore Joey and I'm looking forward to seeing him again, although it's very tentative and definitely up in the air for now. I think we're both asking, to what end? Or maybe it's just me.

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