Friday, November 11, 2016


(music: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story - Original Broadway Cast of Hamilton)

I pray God or whatever forces there be grants me patience, grace and strength to approach this post with civility.

So two nights ago, I published my opinion on Trump's presidential win on Facebook and I ended it with the fact that the presidency, like everything else, is temporary and for the Americans to keep their hope and faith.

Yesterday morning, there was a long comment from a distant aunt about how our own ordinary citizens' lives are also temporary, and that for society to be a better place, everybody should play their part to be better people, and for me to start being a better daughter/granddaughter, in my own life, etc.

She ended the comment with "sorry not sorry" and I was groggy and too lazy to deal with shit, so I deleted it within possibly twenty minutes of it being posted, I think. On hindsight, I should have left it there so other people could and would have understood how tactless this woman is.

I'm not sure how old she is, I haven't seen her for years, we're not even friends on Facebook ('cos I'm not interested in her or her life), she just used to follow me (I finally blocked her yesterday) but truly, she and her mother are the most typical Malay women you can find.

They just love to "jaga tepi kain orang" (poke their noses in other people's business) and they have this holier-than-thou attitude that irks me so much. I mean, do you not receive enough fulfilment in your own lives that you have to keep tabs on other people?

My grandma, who is the most patient and understanding angel alive, has tolerated the commenter and her mother for years, but she made the mistake of crossing me on the wrong day. I am not my grandmother, I am not my mum. You best be sure of that.

This is when I wish I had left the comment there, because my response is about to be a long one, and it's warranted, I assure you.

People like her are the precise reason the system is flawed. She thinks that politics are a "distraction" from real life, that everybody is able to have a fine-and-dandy life if they were just "good people" living "good lives", because she's been able to live a life of privilege so far, she's a Muslim woman who doesn't live in the US.

The reality for non-deluded people is that Trump has been blatantly racist and sexist, especially Islamophobic. If you're just really, really close-minded as to only care about what happens to "your own kind", there is empirical evidence that Muslim women wearing hijabs are already being harassed, leading up from his candidacy all the way through now, that he's won.

They are your "Muslim sisters" and they're unable to lead the same kind of life as yours, do you care more now? Do you have more empathy than apathy?

Beyond just Muslims, black Americans and Latinos, Asian-Americans, basically every person of colour is less safe in the US now, because Trump is racist and promotes racism. I'm not making this up, you can do a quick Google search to see the reports of people making disgusting remarks like "shouldn't you be sitting at the back of the bus today?"

I'm not just targeting this ridiculously ignorant aunt from now, but it's just my general thought flow.

As a decent, average human being, I feel appalled at Trump's win, but as a woman, I feel discounted. Hillary Clinton has had much more political experience, but because she's a woman, any mistakes she's made have been piled atop and pitted against her whereas Trump, who has had absolutely zero experience, just waddles up and is instantly given more credibility. Have you seen his speeches? He doesn't have any solid sense of direction on policy, he barely even makes humanly sense. Why would anyone trust him to lead a country? Oh, that's right, because he has a penis.

Ever since Trump's win, some sort of voter's remorse has turned up and people are making all sorts of excuses for it, or maybe they're just really desperate to cling to some hope (in which case, I understand, y'all get a free pass #sarahcasm).

Apparently, the explanation is majority who voted for Trump are working-class citizens dissatisfied with the status quo, and looking for a change (I actually just scoffed at this ludicrous idea, I admit). Okay, so the voter demographics have been released, right.

People who voted for Trump were majority white people, whereas Clinton voters were exceedingly African-American, Latino, Asian, etc, people of colour. So, here goes, right, if white people are dissatisfied with whatever has been going on in Democratic-run America, then shouldn't people of colour be even more dissatisfied?

Or has the situation changed so drastically since I've been there, that somehow people of colour have gotten better jobs than white people, they're earning more, there is no such thing as racial discrimination, blacks are living in better and safer neighbourhoods, that they're really, really satisfied, and therefore are voting for Clinton to preserve the status quo?

Or wait one second.... Could it be.... that Trump voters are actually *gasp* misogynistic racists, looking for any way, any way at all, to keep the edge that they already inherently and systemically enjoy over people of colour, and they're using "dissatisfied working-class" bullshit as an excuse for their vote? No way! That's too much a stretch of my imagination. Overwhelmingly white voters voting for Trump? Coincidence!

Even if there is some dissatisfaction with Democratic-run Congress, people from the grassroots who want a change and voted for Trump? Trump, who has suffered multiple bankruptcies and been bailed out by loans of "only $1 million" from his daddy, who is as far removed from ground zero as you could think of. If people are voting for Trump thinking that he understands their working-class problems, then, I mean, like, I can't even string together a coherent sentence to express my sentiment, I'm basically Trump making a speech at a rally. The excuses just get more ludicrous.

If we concede that the above working-class demographic exists, then say what you want, but these people are definite selfish racists and/or sexists. You cannot vote for Trump to "change status quo" (I call bullshit, but for the sake of discourse, we'll go with it), without accepting the disgusting hate-filled, mean-spirited, discriminatory remarks he's made about pretty much anybody who's not a white male.

And if you've accepted that your leader whom you want to change working-class conditions, is a racist, misogynist bigot, then chances are, so are you. You can pretend you're "closing an eye" but let's just be real and honest, you probably wholeheartedly agree with Trump's sentiments.

I'm not saying I'm surprised that majority of white America are ignorant bigots, but I'm saying if you are, then stop hiding behind the thin veil of "dissatisfaction with the status quo". The only status quo you're dissatisfied with is that America is not white enough for your liking.


So, since the Great Meltdown of My Life, all I've been doing is colouring. I've had my colouring book for ages, but I've only started using it recently to pull myself out of depression.

When I found out that I lost it, I was really disturbed so I removed Joey from all my social media and blocked him, and immediately regretted it (borderline bipolar), because he'd been there for me every step of the way and I missed him.

I'm a little too proud to add him again, especially because I'd already blocked him before and re-added him again all the way a while ago (I call borderline bipolarity), so if I do it again, he must be like "oh, this girl, what am I to do with this girl".

But then we talked again (this is the last time in this post I will mention it but: borderline bipolar), and it was about the trip to Japan that he's taking with his friends/colleagues that I met while I was in LA. I was gonna go, and I was really excited (especially because I've never been to Japan), but neither my parental nor financial units agree, so. I guess not.

Joey and I were thinking about the..... problem that led to the meltdown, and we were wondering how to avoid it, so we thought of the same thing at the same time, and I was incredibly amused that he was one step ahead and was going to go through, it was so funny!!!! Unfortunately I'm not going anymore so I don't know what happened, I just know when he said what he did I burst out laughing.

Anyway, I wanted to ask Joey whether he voted, and whom he voted for, but he seems apathetic about politics, because he's a white male, and either way, the results wouldn't really affect him. I also knew that Cali was a surefire Dem vote, because: California, and Cali is one of the most progressive places in the world.

I thought about it but then I realised Trump denies climate change (lol gud luk Murica yur prez no beliv in climate change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Joey is scientifically anal, if anything. I hope that means there is no way Joey would have voted Trump. He can be such a condescending, mean piece of shit; one time, I was reading something and he was on Facebook on his laptop beside me, and some friend of his made a stupid comment about a SpaceX failed launch video, and he was gonna make a snarky remark about it. Joey also loves to patronise me, what a piece of shit.

.....I say he is a condescending piece of shit in the most affectionate of ways, because I can be a condescending piece of shit myself. I remember last week Shahida said Islamophobia isn't racism because Islam isn't a race, and I think I might have rolled my eyes and actually retorted "you've got to be kidding me!" but then I told myself "stop it, Sarah, she doesn't read the same things you do, she has other areas of interest, don't be an asshole" and also for future reference to all who don't know: Islamophobia definitely counts as racism, but that's another tangent for another day, if you're interested.

One of the first things we did together was colour at a Wurstkuche restaurant while waiting for our food. That was the day we had ice-cream together, and he said "what's up cutie" at the beach and I remember giggling and thinking "this douche, how do I like him so much".

That day we were squeezing in a car, and he was gonna show his colleagues/friends a photo of his housemate's car wrecked by an angry ex-girlfriend, but he was scrolling through his camera roll, and I saw a photo of me from Instagram, it was from years ago, when nothing had happened to me yet, when I was still a kid ---- I hadn't been used or cheated on, I hadn't lost a life, I hadn't grown up at all, and I loved that photo, and I liked that he saved it, it has a purple background, which always makes me wonder what he sees it as, sometimes he thinks purple is blue.

I miss Joey so much. He has an older neighbour/friend Russ, who apparently hangs out with Joey, 'cos he lost his son when his son was Joey's age, and he reminds Russ of him. I think it says a lot that Joey has so many housemates, but Joey's the one who spends time with Russ.

The first time I met Russ, Joey was scratching Taylor Swift's Love Story on his turntable. Russ entered the room, and the first thing Russ said to me was "Joey's a good guy"... then last week, Joey told me Russ took him to a hockey game and that "Russ is a good guy" and I absolutely adore their pseudo-father-son relationship.

Russ is hilarious, one time he texted me asking where his keys were, and then found them in his fridge. ????? I think it's superbly adorable that Joey takes care of him, one night Russ was wasted and was in Joey's room, Joey put him to bed. And when I was a little bit too far gone, I kept telling Joey I needed to go to the toilet, and he asked me to pee in the bushes, but I refused, and I insisted I needed to pee, the poor man was like "what will I do with this girl????"

Joey has a bit of a "carer" vibe, I think, I mean I guess that's why he took me in and practically babysat me for a month. Like everyone, he also needs to be taken care of, though. I don't mean in the cook-him-food or iron-his-clothes sense (because for one, he was the one feeding my hungry stomach all the time and for two, his house has no iron --- apparently they don't believe in ironing their clothes, what a bachelor's pad indeed).

It's funny, my mum said I don't know what love is, at 26. Clearly I don't know shit, but she knew what love was when she had me at 18. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

One of the first few things I asked Joey was what animal he'd choose if he could turn into an animal, and he said "an owl, 'cos they can turn their heads all the way round" what priorities????

So like i) you can tell I like rainbows and ii) colouring truly proves therapeutic for me, it just keeps me in the moment. I would have written my novel, but I was very unstable and disturbed for a very long time, and I didn't want it to seep unconsciously into my words and writing.

I'm truly grateful to everyone who's been incredibly supportive in all your diverse ways. I don't think I can name names, because my mum's all about, like "keeping up appearances" (do we live for God or other people, really?) but, thank you all.

As it is, on any given normal day, if my emotional range could be compared to the size of a living creature, it would be a whale, but when.... this happens, add in all the hormonal fluctuations and suddenly my emotions are the whale's mother. I feel everything.

I was looking through my US photos and got to when I read Joey's thesis, for lack of reading material.

See, when you love words, you read pretty much anything.

Some nights are harder than others. My thoughts drift to whether it was my fault, whether it was stress from what happened in my family, whether it was because I was eating nonsense food before I found out, is it because I'm always cold? will it happen again? where is it now? and it goes on and on but then I ground myself to Joey.

He doesn't know about it, he doesn't even have to be thinking of me, but he's my anchor. He's like the Tengo to my Aomame (although I didn't even much enjoy/like 1Q84 for the read, I just appreciate a few principles in it).

I just pray for his safety and for his peace of mind, yadda yadda yadda, and then it gives me peace of mind. I think, in the next year ahead, I really am going to take a break (or give my heart a break), I'm gonna go back to my plans of learning to drive, and cut out all other distractions.

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