Sunday, July 30, 2017


The Louvre - Lorde

our thing progresses, I call and you come through
blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you

but we're the greatest, they'll hang us in the Louvre

(down the back - but who cares? still the Louvre)

a rush at the beginning
I get caught up, just for a minute
but lover, you're the one to blame, 
all that you're doing

If you ever thought I had no filter whilst I'm at my most sober, not-under-any-influence, sane self, you now have a chance to view me without a filter whilst sleep-deprived, delirious and on a serious sugar high.

I met Khalis on Thursday.

The last time I'd met him was with Huda at the end of 2015, just before my first trip to LA. He was treating us to a meal because we'd helped him a tiny bit on building his thesis model. That day, Khalis gave Huda and I the condensed version of his thesis on the Kampong Glam area. I think I'd been through it before but I made him do it for Huda's sake.

He brought us to a place that gave us this magnificent vantage point and for the ninety-millionth time, I was in awe and adoration of him being an architect. I thought it was so thrilling. I still do. I think I'd blogged about that day, but it got deleted (by me, yes I take full responsibility) so this is a short recap.

Anyway, before I met him this Thursday, as in a few days ago, he suggested meeting at Circular Road and I said "be there or be square" and I could just feel him rolling his eyes at me, even though he didn't say it in text. It is a wonder how he has tolerated me all these years, but perhaps it helps that I have tolerated him too, as well as had the longest-standing crush in the history of crushes, on him (who even still has crushes? clearly: hello, it's me).

The thing about walking around with Khalis is that he does with buildings and places what I'd like to think I do with people. He gives each place, every intersection, the 7-11 store, a story and history. I love knowing why this Sultan built this bridge, or why they cut across this area, or how it affected communities.

He still makes me laugh, effortlessly. He still uses Kistna, the perfume that I liked so much I sprayed it on a stuffed toy I had hanging off my phone, the name of which Huda still remembers. My best friend remembers the name of the cologne that my crush uses: if that is not the epitome of creepy, I don't know what is.

I love smelling whiffs of it, walking one step behind him, carefully and purposefully so that my hands would not bump into his while we saunter and banter back and forth. It brings me back to when I was crushing hard on him, when he would bring me to jamming studios to drum, it makes me feel like I'm 21 again, a great age to be.

After having met him and thoroughly enjoyed his company, I recalled something another close friend used to think --- that I was crazily attached to Khalis because they (close friend) thought Khalis and I had messed with each other, physically, but I think it was the exact opposite that happened. He knew how easily I get attached, so he never had any physical contact with me if he could help it, he would be hesitant to even give me hugs, because he knew I liked him, and he didn't want to lead me on.

Good Guy Khalis. I respect him so much. I mean, don't get me wrong, like every one of us, I'm sure he has his flaws and I may not know them all, but he's a friend to me, so I respect him.


Last night, I met Suff. I don't know what I'm doing with him, but first, you've got to ask, have I ever known what I'm doing? (No. And therefore, nothing new here.) And secondly, do I like what I'm doing now and am I ready to wing it as I always do? (Yes.)

You've got to wait for the excuse I used to meet him though --- get this --- I went to pass him chocolates. You'd think Singapore is facing some sort of scarcity of chocolates, that I had to go and personally give him the last ones I could find. But no. I went because he likes chocolates, and I wanted to give them to him, and I wanted to see him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I got a quarter of his life story last night.

The man is an onion with protective layers like none I've ever met. The amount of emotional labour I've got to put in to get the least bit of response from him is preposterous. One day he infuriates me to the point of venting, at myself, about how THIS MAN DOES NOT WANT ME AROUND, how he's an incorrigible asshole who will not let anyone in, and who will drive me to insanity.

The next day, I tell myself "you need to be patient, Sarah, perhaps he's testing you to see if you'll stick around, maybe he doesn't trust people as easily as you do, most people with a brain wouldn't (be as trusting as I am)" and while I pondered this over, I realised that this hit much closer to home than I'd previously.... realised.

Dyou wanna wager guesses on people who have always had the tendency to be emotionally distant and detached? Han and Mel. Two of my favourite people in the world. My best friend of fifteen years and I have extremely deep roots of loyalty to each other, but she's truly my foil when it comes to expressing our emotions.

Every year, I will be rambling on and on for our birthday or whatever, and she goes like "you know I don't really like mushy things" and me: "oh my god is that all she can muster for me" and her: "my god will sarah never shut up" ngl, there are parts of us that hate each other's guts.

And my sister. There is no denying the fact that she is my favouritest person in the world, she is my #1 and I would drop anything for her, and the sooner everyone recognises that, the sooner you will get into both her good books and mine, HAHAHAH. This is how and why she likes G, the best friend I have in France (for the past three years) that I have never met. He thinks of her before he thinks of me!

As much as I love her, though, she can be a difficult person to love, and she knows it, and I think she sets out to be, sometimes, because she thinks that is just what she is. Her boyfriend had to jump through hoops, and possibly still always does, because she's always pushing him away, over and over and over. It's not even just him (though I feel you, Dan), the entire family has to navigate through her moods and whims and fancies.

Like, if Melyssa says no, then she means no. The only way to cope with her mood swings (which I suppose I excuse because there're medical/scientific motivations behind her behaviour) is to have a certain detachment and acceptance like, oh, okay: she's having one of those times, if she wants me to be around, I'll be around, but if she doesn't, then I will do something else with my time, that does not involve me feeling unwanted.

This is why I think it's very difficult for people like my grandma or mum to navigate, they tend to take it personally against them as people, when Mel isn't selective about whom she chooses to love or not. If she's in a mood to love, it's everyone, if she's not, then she closes herself off to everyone just the same.

Han isn't so tough, but she does have a general solid wall, and her boyfriend also had to jump through hoops for freaking ever, before she let him in. Han is extremely selective about whom she places her trust in, and even as her best friend of half our three decades of lives, she finds it hard to confide in me.

So yeah, you know, I'm not saying I know for sure Suff has the same issues, who the fuck knows what his whole deal is, but in the case that he does need me to prove that I'm here for the long run, then hey, I've had practice with my sister and best friend pretty much my entire life.

If we're going by simple mathematics, it took me five dates to get to a quarter of his life story, it will take me fifteen more dates to get the entire story. It could go either way, though, it could get longer the further he gets in --- I mean, he does tend to do that to me --- he shares something, then he thinks he's gotten too close to me and backpedals and pushes me back out, and it's very, very tiring.

Or, it could work exponentially, maybe it will take a few more dates before he accepts that I'm relentless when I've decided on something and I won't budge, and he gives in and trusts me enough to tell me the entire thing. Who knows? I certainly don't. All I know is, I've done this before, over and over again, and if I have to do it again, I'm on. I don't scare easily. Not unless you're talking in the supernatural sense. Then fuck you if you scare me.

So I met Suff late last night while waiting for him to do work, and while I generally treasure the little amount of sleep I get to have, I didn't mind because I fit in some reading and writing and swinging on a swing, and all three are my favourite things (I did them all at separate times, not simultaneously, in case you needed clarification).

We both fell asleep last night, and by the time I got home and showered and was ready to sleep, it was close to the time I normally have to wake up, and I did wake up and went to work. Today at work, I was so tired, I forgot why I was tired. My colleague asked why I was sleepy, and I couldn't recall that I'd stayed out and gone to bed at 5am, and I wondered why I was tired indeed.

She asked me if I needed to take a nap, bless the dear, she's 20 this year, so she probably thinks I'm her grandma's age at 27 years old. I've been wanting to stay awake longer to read and write more, while I'm not hustling to earn money, and I thought of those drugs that overachieving kids take in America to juggle their education and party lives and generally fit in more hours into their time.

Sometimes I think I'm a bit on the wild side, but then I know I'm actually quite lame and tame and not nearly experimental enough. I'm actually really vanilla, but then most of my close friends haven't done half the things I have, so I think, if I'm vanilla, what are they, sugar-free vanilla from Starbucks???

I needed to stay awake this evening so I had earl grey milk tea and now the sugar is still coursing through my body and I'm really knackered. It's like my body is tired af but my heart and brain still feel the energy from the sugar, so it's very confused and all I really need to do is crash. I need to catch some zzzzz's but I already know if I sleep now, I will have nightmares (sugar does weird things to my already-weird sleep issues). My neurons are in overdrive so it's just yapping on and on and on in my mind now with no punctuation so to be honest I dunno if any of the things I typed in this entire post makes any sense.

I'm only on my laptop because I needed to transfer some of my writing into soft copy because I'm super old-school and I cannot write by typing. My ideas just do not flow if it's not pen to paper. I'm a dinosaur. I would really like to read some more but I think I'm gonna crash.

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

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