Friday, August 11, 2017

DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER

I got so much shit to say
but I can't help feeling like I'm camouflaged
fortress around my heart
you were mine just yesterday
now I have no idea who you are
it's like you camouflage

but it's good to see you here again
I don't wanna say goodbye
but it's about half-past ten
and I have to catch my ride



Tonight, Mel and I went to have dinner with the paternal aunt who got married last weekend. They live in Denmark so we only see them once a year, if we're lucky. The wedding was a beautiful, simple one but my aunt had a clause for the guests not to use our individual phones for photography so we'd leave the photography/memory-making to the professionals. I think the photos will be very nice, can't wait to see them!


This is our cousin Ieyas. He still calls us Giant #1 and Giant #2, for the first time he met us in his memory, we were towering over him, and he was still tiny. I used to be Giant #1 and Mel #2, but of course, my sisters have all grown taller than me (at least the ones in my household), so now I'm #2.

We don't often get to catch up, but Ieyas is one of those kids with a brilliant mind, which means of course that we enjoy talking to him. We asked one another about our favourite movies, and TV shows, and songs.

His parents raised him with their own tastes, I suppose, which is adorable, because he likes all the classics. He likes Indiana Jones, and Star Wars, and the Back to the Future franchises. When Mel and I said we'd never watched any of the Back to the Futures, he said he didn't hear anything and walked away from the table! HAHAHA such a dramatic kid.

Ieyas is also a fan of Friends, and was happy to recount to us their visit to the local Central Perks cafe. I think it may be time to take out my DVD boxset and do my annual viewing of the entire series.

He said he has a book of interesting facts, so one of them was that there were four asteroids named after each of the individual Beatles, and so on and so forth. I got him a copy of Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls, I aim to give one to each of my little cousins and nephews and nieces, so they all have a little inkling of inspirational women, and have a spark of feminism in them.

Ieyas had a solo in his school's Mamma Mia production, and when his mum suggested it was The Winner Takes It All, he cheekily said no, The Wiener Takes It All. So young, and already with the wordplay! This one will do Mel and I proud. ;)

They're flying back to Denmark tomorrow. Mel and I have thought of visiting them in Denmark for ages, but it's never materialised. Perhaps next year will be when it finally happens. I would really love to see all the things Ieyas has told us about.

On the way to dinner, I saw the guy who used to work on the digital campaigns at Y&R, we rarely saw him 'cos he's Malaysian and based in the Malaysia office. I wanted to say hi but I forgot his name so I walked past him nonchalantly. Working in an advertising office, regardless how short it was, will always be a fond memory. It could be so stressful, but so fun at the same time.

*

I don't know if I'll be dating Suff any longer. I needed to get away, because I don't know what I was becoming. It made me think of my mother, and how stifling I feel she can be. I don't know if you know or can relate (depending on your demographic and the ethnic community you grew up in), but up till today, my mum still texts me about the clothes I wear, like the one I posted on Facebook today.

Every time she does it, I think to myself, I wish she would accept that the values she believes in and the values I believe in are just completely different, and I don't subscribe to what she thinks is right or okay, etc. And yet, there I was, wishing Suff would drop his values for mine. My mother is the person who has raised me for 27 years, who has not managed to make a dent on my value system and Suff and I have known each other for just over a month, yet I was trying to change him.

I had an idea of him that I liked, and I expected him to conform to it, and he just didn't. I know for a fact it's hard to change. I've lived my life being used to having attachments and being expressive with my feelings, that just the mere suggestion of changing the way I am, and letting go, is ludicrous and laughable. But I was trying to get Suff to be more like the person I was, even though it's not something he's used to, not even close.

I also kept saying I knew him, when I don't, not really. I've never seen him with his family, or friends, or anyone he's comfortable with, to see the person he really was. He did ask me to visit him in KL for a few days, and I really wanted to, but my colleague Daion is already on a trip in Bangladesh and we're shorthanded so there was no way I could have gotten away from work.

It just seems like I had him pegged as the person I wanted him to be, and if he fell short of that person, I pinned it on him as a fault. It was just like Tom did with Summer. It was very unfair and so much pressure to deal with.

Last night, he said he felt like he could love me in another world, if we'd met earlier, and I cried (actually I'm crying now, hahaha), wishing I was the Sarah in that particular alternate universe in which we could have worked out. I wonder if I'd talked to him at that party three years ago, whether it would have made any difference.

A while ago, before I knew any part of his story, before I learned that I had to be patient with him and give him space, I learned something on social media and I didn't think it tallied with what he was telling me. It reminded me of the time Daniel Grayson said he was somewhere else, but I saw on Facebook that he was back with his fiancée in the US, and I learned that it was his fiancée, and not whatever cock-and-bull story he was pulling on me.

Instead of asking Suff about it, I disappeared and didn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Frankly, I suppose I started pushing him away before his own issues even kicked in for him. I can be very flighty and given the sour relationship between my mother and father, of course I have my own issues with commitment. This is why I subconsciously tend to find guys who don't want to commit, then I get to blame them instead of myself.

When I found out about this, I actually couldn't sleep and I asked Mel (who, fortunately, is a nocturnal animal of her own accord) to go film something downstairs at 3am. Clearly, I have some real deep-seated issues. But also: no, you don't have the best sisters, my sisters are the best. 😛

It just doesn't help that he has his own baggage, and I have mine. There are things I wish I'd done differently, there are so many things I could have gained his trust with. But it's okay. Perhaps AU!Sarah is doing better with this than I am. Maybe AU!Sarah with fewer issues meets AU!Suff with fewer issues, and they are happy together.

Today, I was being honest with myself. I don't know whether it was a coping mechanism I needed to have in place to survive that period of my life, or it was the hormones making me extra romantic and fond of the time I'd spent with him, or whatever the reason was, but I made Joey sound like he was a lot nicer to me than he actually was.

Don't get me wrong, while I was there, I could observe him in his most familiar and comfortable settings, but we... we had more lust than like for each other, to be very honest.

I couldn't talk to him very much. He was a rocket engineer, and when I read his dissertation, a lot of it flew over my head. In retrospect, what we had was very fun, but fun is something that perhaps sustains you for a summer and not much else. Also, after the storm that happened in my life, he rather ignored the consequences and pretended nothing had happened to change me.

I say all this because, I look back on my time with Suff, and I will really miss the time we talked to each other (not to say that there wasn't any lust, because holy freaking god was there ever hahahah). I enjoyed everything we had. It was just such a nice experience to have someone who would say something I was about to say, even if he beat me to it. It's like a "ergh I wish I'd gotten there first!" simultaneously with a "omg I was thinking the same thing!"

I think our brains were wired similarly, and had similar interests, and even ways of thinking about those interests, and that is quite rare for me to find in someone of the opposite sex.

control yourself
take only what you need from it

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah!

This is random (as always) but its been a long time since i dropped by your blog. I was reading Lang Leav - Sad Girls when i suddenly got reminded of you and thought "Huh i wonder whats up with misspinkalot" well i quickly found out that you are no longer misspinkalot..

So much has happened in your life it seems.. whatever it is i hope you are doing good (physically & mentally). If not, i pray that life gets better for you 💕 love yourself & never lose hope.

xoxo,
delurker
(p/s - i can't even recall what i used to signed off with i think this is correct? lols im gettin old)

Sarah Mei Lyana said...

Hi!!!!!!!

OMG you're the cutest.
Yes you would sign off as Delurker.
Omg I wonder if I've left any posts that had your comments on them after my path of mass self-destruction hahaha.
Thank you for your prayers.
I wish I knew more about you so I could send you a little care package or something else to show you I appreciate you.
I'm getting better, I think and hope.

So Much Love,
Sarah (still misspinkalot at heart even if not as my online persona)