Tuesday, July 24, 2018

BOYS LIKE YOU

Adam: Kidding, of course I care, but I also don't think you're crazy
Adam: I think you think you're crazy
Adam: I think you're very sensitive and a bit naive
Adam: But not crazy

Sarah: I didn't like it bc my mother has always monitored me and to have someone else do it was just like jesus gimme a break

Adam: You like have a thought and are like WOW THIS IS SO WEIRD I MUST BE CRAZY
Adam: and it's like
Adam: Nah dude
Adam: You good

Sarah: Very sensitive
Sarah: Means i feel too much?

Adam: But I think being in a society where you don't fit in isn't helping
Adam: Of course you'll feel crazy if everyone around you is acting very different and they have a certain set of values
Adam: That you don't share
Adam: But they're not insane
Adam: Like I think if you were in like, 1800s England they'd say you're insane cuz you read books and are generally dissatisfied with things
Adam: Point being you're not insane but the culture around you isn't built for you

Sarah: It's weird tho
Sarah: Why do i have to go against the grain and make things hard for myself
Sarah: I should stop reading books and feeling dissatisfied :p

Adam: -_-

Sarah: Can i just say
Sarah: Money cant buy class

Adam: U r right

Sarah: Men are alrd the worse gender and having so much money doesnt help any
Sarah: You need to educate your fellow men

Adam: Ur right the rich should be guillotined

Sarah: I mean
Sarah: I never put it so harshly
Sarah: But you were always the one who hoped the trump would die of heart attack
Sarah: V extreme

Adam: Yeah really hoping that happens soon

Sarah: It wont
Sarah: Why would it
Sarah: Also if he dies what happens

Adam: Cuz he's old and fat

Sarah: Please tell me not pence
Sarah: Bc thats not a consolation

Adam: Unfortunately pence
Adam: I know
Adam: He should die too
Adam: Of a boner

Sarah: Yeah deffo
Sarah: For a man
Sarah: And he dies of shock of finally coming to terms w being gay

Adam: Gay joke, nice

Sarah: Whaaaat
Sarah: You can do it but i cant??

Adam: I didn't make a gay joke!

Sarah: Tbh cant tell if ur sarcastic

Adam: I am lightly teasing

Sarah: You always make such r00d jokes
Sarah: I make one and its like gay joke, nice
Sarah: Geeeez

I unfollowed Adam and told him to unfollow me on Instagram 'cos I knew I would continue liking him if I kept talking to him, and yet. This week, when I had a late-night existential crisis and yesterday when I'd done something humiliating (like, possibly in the ranks of getting knocked up by a jock who barely cared about my miscarriage), I went to tell Adam.

Yesterday I told Adam I don't want to trust any man, and I go around looking for the least trustworthy men just so I can prove my point, and he agreed it does seem that way, but then I think, I do trust Adam, despite not wanting to. Yesterday I told him sometimes I think he cheated on his ex so she dumped him, because I'm wired to think that is just a thing all men do.

We've known each other for almost a year. Last year, after the Lush Singapore staff party, we told each other we loved each other for the first time, which is strange, because we hadn't met, and we still haven't met. Yesterday, my manager just said my name was drawn to be our store representative for planning this year's staff party (we have a great theme in mind, and I really hope it's picked).

It's been almost a year, and I still like Adam. I mean, yeah, I don't know how he smells, he's a smoker, I don't know how his hands would feel in mine, I don't know if he has sweaty palms, I don't know if his tongue is a nice size (AHAHAHA) or all the weird things you should know about someone you like, but I also know how he feels when he comes down from doing drugs, I know what he does when he's sick, I know he goes to Vermont to get off the grid, I know he's a proponent of therapy and even though he hates that I run to him only when I need him instead of just talking to him as a regular friend, he's still sort of my minor therapist who undoes some of the damage done by my parenting, etc.

If I had any sort of discipline I would really stop talking to him, because I clearly have no control over my feelings.

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