Saturday, July 28, 2018

YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE

This week, I tried not to talk to Adam, but then he was repressed to my subconscious so much I dreamt of him, so I spent all of this morning chatting with him. I love him. As a friend, or more, I dunno, but I love that I can talk to him. I told him about my self-destructive behavior last week, and he is the only person who knows the full extent of it. He didn't even judge me for it. If my therapist knew what I'd done/I'm doing, I'm pretty sure there would be a bit of a stop put to it, even though therapists are technically not supposed to stop you from doing anything per se. I don't even know the full legality of what I'm doing. I sound like I sell weapons on the deep/dark web, which clearly I don't, but Jesus Christ I never thought I'd be here. I love Adam, and I'm so comfortable with him, just letting him know what I do and how I feel, and feeling happier that he's there to listen, and know that I'm valid. He's in a good place in life, and he says he's stopped drinking again (he should never be drinking bc it messes up his antidepressant meds!!!! But I'm not here to judge). I think I'm good too, like it makes me happy to know Adam is happy, etc. I'm gonna chill and take life as it goes. Today I'm glad I got to talk to Adam, even if I am intellectually and physically so fucking attracted to him and we can't be with each other. Life is okay. I think we have a very strangely balanced friendship because I was raised in a religious background so everything is a miracle etc, whereas Adam writes for Know Your Meme. Can you imagine? The man writes about memes, which some say is the ruin of our generation. Nothing is sacred to him. He teaches me to troll, and I am glad to have him teach me to just be comfortable and have fun. Today my college sweetheart of three years, my first real love, got married. It's nice, I'm super happy for him.

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