Tuesday, September 25, 2018

WILDCARD

I've been wanting to express the things I like about Adam, after he said he liked my "challenging and curious and combative and sweet with a big heart" attitude towards things. I can't really quite describe it though, you know, feelings are strange and you can never explain them. I saw a photo with the caption "my heart has chosen you, and I follow my heart" and I guess that's what it is, as cheesy and maudlin as it may be. It's like when I make the weirdest decisions that are not the healthiest and I tell him, and he doesn't judge me, and I feel safe. Or it's when I say white people are the worst, all he does is agree, instead of calling it "reverse racism". Or it's when he's doing well for himself and I feel really happy for him, or conversely when he isn't, and I feel heavy about it as well. I love that he's honest with his feelings. I really like that he goes to therapy because I know as people, we're all inert and resistant to change, especially within ourselves, but I love how he's willing to work on his issues, etc. He said he's keeping his emotional distance from me because it hurts that he loves a person he can't be with due to the physical distance between us, and when I read it, my heart simultaneously felt like it was beaming and expanding but also squeezed and tight. I don't know what's going to happen with us, if we will ever get together, but I do love Adam, and there are a thousand reasons why I do, and probably a thousand reasons why I shouldn't. As they say, you like because of, and you love in spite of. In spite of the distance, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that I love him. Ugh.

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