Friday, May 24, 2019

LOVE ON TOP

It's been a rather hectic two weeks. May always seems to be busy, I think because it's also the season of weddings. I went to Pamela's hen's night last Friday, where we experienced an #incrediblelightnessofbeing HEHEHE, attended an Indian wedding on the weekend, got my nails did courtesy of Pamela for her bridesmaids. Tomorrow I will be a bridesmaid for Pamela's wedding. Last weekend, my h03 best friends surprised me with a staycation at a lovely hotel, JW Marriott South Beach. Last night, my best friends from high school brought Han and I to Wanderlost Lounge. I have loved this week. I received an email from Queens College, saying I'd have to take CUNY's undergrad admissions assessment tests, to proceed with my application. I'm gonna see if I can take them remotely from Singapore, because I clearly am not rich and cannot afford to fly to NY to take a few papers.



My boyfriend Lucas has been a dream come true. He scared me a little bit, with his earnest and eagerness. He says if I get into school in New York, he'd move to Toronto and try to find work in New York, 'cos he's had enough of living in Singapore. He's also been telling his friends that I'm definitely moving to New York in September, which I appreciate as being supportive, but it's not at all confirmed, and I'm scared by how much he believes in me. I love how he's completely convinced that he loves me, even as he's still learning about me, and we're still learning about each other. It reminds me of the times I've told men after three dates, that I loved them, and believed it with all my heart. I always felt let down when they wouldn't fight for me. I have of course always held the belief that someday a man would sweep me off my feet, would tell me to drop everything and marry him. I think I've subconsciously internalized the feminine responsibility of taking care of other people, but I want to be taken care of. I want to never worry about finances again, I want to go after what I want, I want to be free and happy. I feel like I see a part of myself in Lucas, the part that's honest and vulnerable, and for all those times I've wanted a man to take a chance on me, I'm going to take that chance on him. I think, as I was growing up, I fell into the cliché of the girl with daddy abandonment issues, and I thought that a lot of different things were love. My father was never really the most stable of father figures, but he always came back and said he loved us, so I thought, that was just what men do. I thought that when men were cold and distant, but paid attention to you after weeks, it was love. I was confused for a very long time. I think, with the help of all my closest loved ones, I managed to relearn the meaning of love. I feel it with Lucas. I feel it when he puts my love on top, and doesn't treat me as second to anything. Sometimes he and I get a bit pissed off and depressed at the capitalist nature of the world, leading to it literally burning up, and I think he feels as much as I do, that the length of time we have on this Earth isn't guaranteed, and all we can do is try to improve its quality by spending it with the people we love.

This has been an ideal and wholesome week, and I am ready to take on being 29 for the next fifty weeks. Thank you, friends and family. I am grateful.

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