Wednesday, June 5, 2019


This past week was a little unsettling. Han and I fell out, because she and I were the ones who had that altercation about my dress. Although we had been upset after the night with the dress and race hadn't come into play, after I told her I was tired of putting in effort for our friendship, she ended things with saying I had (and I quote) "racist thinking" and "hate speak" and I don't actually know where that came from 'cos we hadn't been talking about said topic, unless she meant the caption of my photos with Lucas and why I tend to date white men. If that's the case, I'm seriously too tired to justify myself, and if it isn't the case, I also don't really care to know what her reasons are and I still don't care to justify myself. She texted me 6 points of rebuttals to the post about our altercation and to me, none of them made any sense, but I don't want to post them here, because I don't feel the need to. Number five, though, was just to ask me to read about the pros and cons of minimum wage, because I'd stated that I'd live in NY because they have a minimum wage. So, as I've mentioned, Singapore doesn't have minimum wage, and the justification for it here is that a minimum wage would somehow make its citizens "lazy and dependent", or that it will somehow cause a "loss of jobs" and you can read up on the rest of the rhetoric. I've been best friends with her for I think close to 17 years, and I think just recently I also wrote about how I think relationships can be successful even if they end, and I think we had a great friendship, but we are no longer good for each other, and we no longer grow with each other. At 13, we all became best friends because we were the five Malay girls in our class, but at the time, we weren't thinking about issues like racial politics and who we would date or marry, we didn't care about minimum wage, we didn't argue about victim blaming. Now, at 29 though, I think we have more different views than similar ones, and so I think for the sake of both our minds being at ease, it's best to just not push each other's boundaries. We were best friends for years, and now we are moving on to new chapters in our lives.

Yesterday was Hari Raya/Eid. Pamela came over with Peh, and Lucas also did. My mom and grandma met Lucas for the first time. The three of my guests enjoyed the festive Malay food, my distant aunts (my mom's cousins) saw Lucas and did the standard "oh, so when's the wedding? next week?!" but they did it ironically so I laughed with them. Lucas, Pamela and Peh got to know each other better, together with my two younger half-sisters, and afterwards they all had good impressions of one another, so that's gr8. Lucas and I post very different photos on our Instagram accounts, and I told him we have rather different interests in music and art, but he says that just means we have more new things to learn about the world and each other. He then sent me articles that explained why having shared interests was overrated in dating, because the important thing is just to have similar life and world values, and that, we truly do share. I have bothered him (and other people) with my insecurities of my hair being out of place in photos, but being with him makes me feel a little more secure to be a little less curated in front of the world. We've had a couple of tiffs, I snapped when he was late and told him mental health shouldn't be an excuse, but all it does is reflect to me on my own impatience and I know if I were having a poor mental health day, I would want everyone else to be more supportive of me. This reminds me that my sister Lyssa is on some antidepressant meds, and she's being disciplined enough to take them every night on her own, which is encouraging. I hope they work for her. We did have a chat about her having to take meds, she doesn't like the idea of having to take meds for her mental health, but I told her everybody has different coping mechanisms even if it's not visible to anyone else. My mom has so far been also rather supportive. I feel a little bad for my sister because my family hasn't been the most enlightened so far, it's not a family that would say it's okay to take medicine to stabilize your moods, meds are still seen as unnecessary or the last-ditch attempt, which can be very harmful to people with mental health issues. In any case, yesterday, I had fun with my family, and some of them met some of my closest friends, and it was a smooth day, phew. I may be flying to New York in August to take the CUNY assessment tests, and if I do well enough, I could start my semester in January and finally, finally, finally study women and gender studies, which is what I really want to. I hope that's the case, so I'll be in New York for two weeks in summer and experience the heat there for the first time, and then when I get back to Singapore after the tests and receive my results, I'll be able to apply for bank loans back here in the months before I commence school.

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