Sunday, December 29, 2019


Yesterday, Lucas and I built a small wooden house from an arts-and-crafts stencil.

The quality of it wasn't fantastic, it felt like it was 3D-printed material. We broke certain parts, and argued while building because again, our problem-solving methods are not the same. Towards the end, Lucas asked if we should just chuck it out, but I continued putting together the tiny final parts. He then said "you have the most patience" and I joked that I knew and that's why I was with him.

It was a joke, in many areas Lucas is extremely patient with me and in some areas, I am the most persistent person ever.

At work, they asked us to step out of our comfort zones for the new year, and at times I wonder whether my comfort zone is being with Lucas. I have probably never felt this comfortable in my life, but I don't know whether it'll eventually get to a point of stagnation. Comfort is a welcome thing though, I don't remember the last time I woke up from a nightmare in cold sweat, my subconscious now knows that however bad it is, Lucas has my back, literally and figuratively.

For Christmas, Lucas got me a voodoo doll as an inside joke. It's just a basic doll-shaped pillow that came with a few pins as well as a marker. Just the week before that, I was in rage mode at a woman who was holding up the laundry line, in the most inconsiderate manner. I said I wanted a voodoo doll so when Lucas chanced upon one, he got it for me. It is the funniest and somehow best gag gift I've gotten.

He also actually bought me a session at a rage room.

I must make a disclaimer that raging physically is not the solution every time you feel anger, but it is fun and novel, and also helps with alleviating anxiety. If you do have rage issues, you might want to consider a therapist, which I would see if I had all the disposable income in the world, but I don't. Therapy is expensive.

In a couple of hours I will be flying to Vietnam. It will be a nice way to end the decade and start a new one afresh.

The past quarter of the year has been an alright one. I'm still getting accustomed to the birth control pill, hence slowly edging out period pains that used to accost me every month. Thanks to Lululemon, I've been going for yoga and boxing, and I've also been swimming more regularly. I'm gonna say it once, exercise will not and can never make depression magically disappear, but when I'm not in a depressive episode, the exercise and routine really bring much more stability to my life. I'm finally getting muscles in my arms, instead of simply being lean.

It's been a wild ride. I wanna thank everyone who's been there for me, whether or not we're still there for each other at this current moment. What are your twenties for, if not falling for people who might be secretly engaged, or bros who would never take a day off work for you, precisely the ones who remind you of your extremely flawed father, right?? Now fuck off and let me enjoy my thirties in peace.

To be honest, of late I really feel a tension headache and the sort of anxiety that gives you a stomachache, only because of monetary issues. It really presses me that I don't have savings as I should have, at my age, especially comparing myself to my peers.

However, I have been trying to sit with this discomfort and unlearning it. It is precisely a capitalist society that ties personal worth to "productivity" and the measure of financial output someone can bring, that makes me feel this incapable. I am worthy. I face up to the realities of life and accept challenges, I allow myself to acknowledge my flaws and seek help for them, and I have always grown in those ways.

I don't exist in a vacuum, though, so it would be much appreciated if someone could just give me ten thousand dollars. I'll try to invest it and grow it myself, but 10k is nothing to some people!!!!

OKAY this was supposed to be a post to thank the past decade for happening. Peace out, y'all. I'm leaving this decade a much better person than I would have been if not for it. When 2020 and the new decade come along, I invite peace, stability, love, acceptance and wealth into my life, and into yours.

No comments: