Saturday, December 7, 2019


I don't know if I identify more with Summer or with Tom now. I used to be Tom, because I would break my own heart, I guess you could say. I used to think Summer was a right, real bitch, but now is she, really? Lucas says his mom will be flying to Singapore in January and she asked whether she could bring anything for me, and my fight-or-flight instincts kicked in. I haven't met any of my exes' family members since more than ten years ago, and even back then, I only met one ex-boyfriend's family. A character like myself, I think I'm gonna need much more therapy than I've currently received. On the one hand, I don't like to be tied down, and I'm so contrary. If the government and my family want me to settle down, I don't want to do so precisely because they want me to. On the other hand, I also.... don't like to be alone, I don't think? Or do I? It's so strange now when I think about myself whinging when I was single, I don't quite understand why I do that, I enjoy doing many, many things by myself that are apparently not enjoyed without company. I like watching movies by myself, I read by myself, I love eating by myself, especially in public when I can wax lyrical in my own head about other people's lives. Today I thought about the song I would want at my wedding (if I ever get married), Toploader's Dancing in the Moonlight, I thought about whenever the song comes on, I dance by myself in public, and I wondered whether Lucas would dance freely with me. We've never danced and I've never seen him dance, I know he says he can't dance and so he doesn't do it, but I can't dance either, though I don't let that stop me. I'm going to hyperventilate and also I wonder if I will ever get a stress ulcer because money issues are worrying me to death and I can't change these issues. My insurance agent asked to meet up next week, and I wonder why, she's either gonna ask me to up my premiums or she'll give me money, right? I don't know, why do insurance agents ever want to meet you? If she wants more money, I swear I'm gonna develop a stress ulcer right there and then. I feel like Chidi. Also it just dawned on me that I've only broken up once in my life and every other time, I've been broken up with. Not that it's a scoreboard. Is my life just one giant, continuous session of cuffing season? Is that everyone's life? I'm not having an anxiety attack.

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