Thursday, April 18, 2019

STAN

There are speculations that Taylor Swift has new music dropping on April 26. That's honestly the only thing I'm looking forward to, even though I'm also hanging on news from four different CUNY colleges. The current status is my documents have been received but they haven't been evaluated, so I don't know what that means. My grades should sort of make the cut based on the course requirements, but I'm not sure if they'll be evaluated differently because I've gone through a Singaporean/British education system, with the GCE O-levels and all that crap. Still. T-Swift is dropping music (we all think) on 4/26 and the world will be alright for about a month from then because Taylor Swift music always makes it alright, at least for me.

ON WORDS

Artistic expression really usually comes about from intense emotions. I know this because I have been through heartbreak and depression, and I have been in love, and both times were when I wrote really well. I want to write and let my words flow easily again, and I am not much of a masochist, so I obviously want it to be when I am in love. I remember when I loved and was in love with my second boyfriend. I remember the way I felt about Joey, before either of us had a clue about the pregnancy. I wrote paragraphs of him working on his vehicles, of us just hanging out with his friends and colleagues. It was mostly boring everyday stuff we did (apart from the racing) but when you're in love, the mundane becomes extraordinary. I remember loving Bennett in New York. We talked to each other endlessly, and I remember thinking his hair was such a lovely shade and so gloriously curly, it felt amazing to run my fingers through. To be honest, I think anyone would feel that way about someone's hair, the moment you're in love. I'm not sure if y'all have been able to tell, but I'm a demisexual, I don't really feel sexual attraction to people I don't have a strong emotional connection with. It is not something I can control, I have tried, but it doesn't seem to work. I really liked all three men I mentioned, so in bed, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. I think some people think this is a "woman" thing but I've seen enough of the world to know sexuality is not dichotomized based on your sexual organs. Men can be demisexuals and women can have fun with sex, no feelings attached. I really miss being in love, in all the ways. I miss being cerebral and carnal, I miss writing about shit no one usually cares about because they are so ordinary, but tinted in such a way by love that makes people care to read it. I think that's why people even read this shit, tbh, because I love what I write about, and I love when I am writing, and somehow this makes for good reading.

NOEL

I told my sister that Joey deleted Whatsapp, the only app that I use to communicate with my American friends. Funnily enough, when I broke up with Adam and with Ben (Benjamin), they both also did the same.

Lyssa: and how do you feel about this

Sarah: a lil sad but I suppose
Sarah: its a good thing we got to apologize to each other
Sarah: and this time we rlly didnt end on a bad note even tho he tried to talk to me
Sarah: it was nice
Sarah: and it made me miss him
Sarah: but im just sad cos
Sarah: as a #noshitsherlock
Sarah: I like him
Sarah: I like him and I like Bennett and I like B (what I called my second boyfriend)
Sarah: and it's so rare that I rlly love people I like

Lyssa: :)
Lyssa: it's okay
Lyssa: at least maybe now you got the closure you deserve