Thursday, December 10, 2020


I’ve been feeling up and down about being single again, but at the moment, at this very moment, I have a little bit of positivity. I think it’s a good time to learn to be by myself again. I don’t think I’ve actually had much time to learn to be the person I really am. I’ve been away from my family for a maximum of two months at any time in my life, and that definitely hasn’t contributed much space for me to find and set my own boundaries. I hope I live in a house that has puppies or cats though, or both! Then, even when I need a cuddle I can cuddle the animals. I learned many things in my latest relationship. Someone asked whether I was in love with Lucas when it ended, and I don’t know, I found the question just a little bit misguided. I don’t think it’s sustainable to have a passionate love be the foundation of a long-term relationship, or at least being in love as grounds for a relationship to continue. First, I did love him and do love him as a person, but secondly, I am not unrealistic enough to believe that a fiery kind of being in love will be ever constantly present in a long-term relationship. I didn’t have a solid, stable love in my parents’ marriage to model my expectations after, but I can see from my friends whose parents are still together, that their children are people who recognize that staying together is work and effort, and there will be times when you are in the lovey-dovey kind of love, and then there are times when you power through because you know that’s what your partner would do for you. Then there’s the question of whether love alone can sustain a relationship. I may not seem it, but I am more pragmatic than it seems. I require and crave physical touch perhaps much more than the average person does, and this is why my friends at work have learned to hug me sporadically, or touch my arm, or sit right next to me on the couch and place their head on my shoulder, or whatever. I am not made for a long-distance relationship, least of all in a pandemic-faced world where being able to travel is not guaranteed. Where I used to loftily think “love is all you need” –it was such a grand idea I had the quote painted on my wall, obviously– I no longer do, and haven’t done so for a mighty long time. Taylor Swift is dropping her new album, evermore, the sister record to folklore, tonight and I am quite honestly living for it.