Monday, March 15, 2021


the stranger sang a theme
from someone else's dream
the leaves began to fall
and no one spoke at all
but I can't seem to recall
when you came along
ingenue, ingenue
I just don't know what to do

the tree-lined avenue
begins to fade from view
drowning past regrets
in tea and cigarettes
but I can't seem to forget
when you came along
ingenue, ingenue
I just don't know what to do

Sometimes I feel like I'm pulled in many different directions and I don't know what to do. Before I left LA in 2016, when Joey and I were spending time together, he said he'd done long-distance before, and I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't think he was asking me to do long-distance, mainly because he didn't actually ask the question, and also because I think it was also too sudden for him, and he didn't treat me very well even when I was there. And then, of course we discovered I was pregnant when I was back in Singapore, and who needs that to happen in a is-this-isn't-this long-distance relationship? No one. In the past four years, he would intermittently ask if I would be coming back to the US, and I think, we might, we could have actually been something if not for the distance.

Two years ago, at the start of 2019, I dated Ben in New York City. I really liked him a lot, and he also seemed to like me. I discovered from reading past notes, that it was him who asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship, not the other way around, and I said yes. When I found out I would have to leave for lack of a working visa, he told me he wouldn't disappear on me, and that he would try everything that he could do to help me stay. He suggested that I study in New York, and that was what first implanted the idea. I flew back to Singapore, but then he really disappeared on me, despite saying he wouldn't, so I didn't know, I still don't know whether this is a case of trusting someone's words, or believing their actions.

Two weeks ago, I went on my first date since my breakup with Lucas three months ago. His name was Owen, and we had matched on Bumble. I know he'd read my blog, because during the date, he mentioned something that was inevitably pointedly from my blog, without actually saying it. I don't know what it was that night, it could have been Melyssa having said that Lucas and I were good together, it could have been the fact that Ben was on my mind and Owen knew about it, it could have been PMS, it could have been me being drained from my school and work week, it could have been a culmination of all of those things, but I was a true asshole and I pushed him away.

I said repeatedly that we were not compatible and we had nothing in common. After the date, I realised I actually did like this Owen guy, he works in finance and he was telling me of how he'd been experiencing cognitive dissonance in his job and how he was trying to pivot to a more ethical industry. He was funny and tactful and he brought up feelings that I hadn't felt nor recognised in ages. I tried to make it up to him, but I think I hurt him, and I probably am not ready to date again, so I have deleted my Bumble account.

When I meet Jaysen along with the rest of the lululemon bunch, I think everybody feels a palpable tension, knowing that I am fond of him. It feels a little strange, because I think Jaysen may be worried about leading me on, so he hasn't acted the same way around me since he left lululemon as a workplace. Sometimes I wish there wasn't that barrier, sometimes I wish I hadn't explicitly told him, so we could continue flirting harmlessly, but I cannot change what's done and past.

There is another guy at work, his name is MJ. He's been at the store for about a month or so. He's got bad past experiences with his ex-girlfriends, and he's also got a reputation for picking up more shifts than he should (which I used to do for the money), just because he's now the resident nice guy. Anyway, we've been texting each other, I've been giving him advice about workplace and relationship boundaries, and as I've mentioned before, lululemon is known for hiring attractive people, so we flirt sometimes. I have been starved of physical touch so when he massages my shoulders or holds my hand, I simultaneously die and live a little more inside. According to someone else at the store, he has written me "an essay", because he wrote some really nice things about me in texts, and you know how much I value words. He also says he's someone who takes things to heart and remembers things way, way past their time, and I keep thinking, is he me??

In summary, I really do not know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I want to leave and be in Canada, and text Ben, but the immigration forces that be, refuse to allow me to move on. I decided to date in Singapore, given that I'm likely to be staying here and only flying to Canada in September for the semester then (if my visa is ready by then, if it is not, I might honestly just kill myself then). My brain is sometimes in Vancouver, my body in Singapore, my heart in New York, and sometimes, I am everywhere and nowhere, and I am ready for this entire year to be goddamn fucking done. I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE.

A 2AM edit: They sprang forward in Canada and no one told me so I stayed up till 2am for a class that was ending. Jesus mf Christ kill me now. Which revolutionary is going to fuck daylight savings and take it away once and for all. Now my 630am classes will be at 530am if there is a God he doesn’t exist THERE IS NO GOD

No comments: