Thursday, April 8, 2021

PALO SANTO

I've been using Instagram much less often the past few days and I'm trying to keep it that way. I don't want to be tempted to search for and view Lucas' profile, the last time I viewed it last week broke me and I'm broken enough to ever go through any more. I am mentally ill and I just need to protect my headspace. Please be kind to me, and help me believe I deserve it. Please.
 

my soul I am broken by you
one morning I'll wake up renewed
don't go love
I need you to stay
my soul I am broken today


and I will work out what it meant
and I will mend you in the end
'cause I'll do anything, I love you
love you
I'll do anything, I love you
love you


it may not be easy to see
but I'm ready
I need to believe

and I will work out what it meant
and I will mend you in the end
'cause I'll do anything, I love you
love you
I'll do anything, I love you
love you

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight-up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?

Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East. 

Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.

Chidi: Picture a wave, in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water, is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. That's one conception of death, for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be. 

Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.

Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.



The caption of this series has not much to do with the images. These photos were taken two weeks ago. I don’t always feel the way I look or portray myself to look. I have mental health issues, stemming from my childhood experiences, and even experiences I’ve had as an adult. In the past week, I’ve cried so much, people who’ve seen me on the train were worried about me, they’d stop talking among themselves to steal glances at me, blowing snot into my mask (otherwise I’d have had to remove my mask and get fined???). In the past six days, I sat again in and with my post-breakup feelings. Whenever I go through a breakup, so many more feelings surface than perhaps would happen for a non-mentally ill person. I’m worried that I’m unable to accept happiness, I suffered depression for years after hearing tough words from my mother. I’ve pushed away so many people I’ve cared for and who have cared for me, I wonder if I’m just going to abandon everyone before they abandon me like my father did. I want to heal myself from these invisible wounds before I venture into another relationship. I was not fair to my ex-boyfriend, and I loved him, I truly did. I want to be comfortable with the knowledge that even if a relationship ends, the love in such relationships was real and true, and can always be. I’m scared to forge close connections and to let people in, I hope the people I love now, my friends, I hope I never push them away, I hope nobody else allows me to. These images were captured for a casting that led to a shoot for products I truly am impressed by and would use (founded by women for women), and I can’t wait to see the final images!