Wednesday, June 29, 2022

HOW IT’S GOING

Many things have been happening for me on Haida Gwaii, work-wise. However, the most captivating thing to me, life-wise, is probably that I’m trying to be in an open relationship for the first time in my life. Just before I left for Haida Gwaii, whilst I was in Vancouver, Jeremy and I shared some very nice, tender moments together and we decided to give it another proper shot and got back together. For the first two weeks I was here, things were rather smooth-sailing as I hadn’t gotten to know my co-workers well yet and Jeremy and I were trying to reconnect with each other, after our breakup and makeup. The island is so remote that there’s no cellphone coverage at all and the wifi at the staff lodge where I work is extremely spotty, though, we only get it in the dining hall and not in our rooms. I also work one of the more intense shifts in terms of timing in the day, because I start at 3pm and end whenever our guests go to bed, which is usually late and drunken. So, with my working hours and his, Jeremy and I barely got to see or even hear each other much. 

And then I got to know Misi. Misi used to work the early morning shift as a dock hand, so when he ended work, he’d be one of the few human beings I’d be able to spend time and interact with, because everyone else in the staff pool would be working before I started my shift. Last Monday, I had a day off, Misi ended work at 2pm, and we went on a hike to Cox Beach. The words I would use to describe Misi are probably visceral and sensual. He got us to take off our boots, and we walked on soft moss and twigs in the forest. Misi says we should intermittently walk on soft earth and it feels good because it makes you feel like a child again, but having grown up in a concrete jungle like Singapore, I felt more like a child for the first time ever. We walked and walked, and spent six hours hiking and hanging and talking about what we thought were throwaways. At the end of the day, I realised I probably had to tell Jeremy I’d connected with someone on the island. Jeremy had been in an open relationship before I was ever in his life, so I felt a little safer about broaching the topic. I definitely brought it up a little out of left field, but Jeremy said he was okay, and we’ve been trying to navigate it through the weekend. 

Yesterday, Misi made a ridiculous joke that made me laugh an ugly, sincere, hearty laugh, so I said I wanted to post it on Instagram and he said, “no! Your boyfriend said he wanted to hear none of it unless he asked” so now I’m involved with two very considerate and kind men. The night before yesterday, Misi was walking me back to my room, and we saw a room of hodge-podge stuff. The light was on in the room, and it was midnight, so it was the most illuminated scene we could see from the dark in The Middle of Literally Nowhere, Canada. There was couch and broken lamps, wires and milk crates, and Misi said “I like this.” I ask, “what do you mean?” and he says, “grungy, you know, it’s a nice sight.” I ask if he has his phone to take a photo and he says “no, you wouldn’t be able to capture this, this is just for us.” I stand there, behold the sight, and think of how much more life has in store for me that I could never dream of nor foresee. 

Jeremy has asked me things, mostly about bedroom stuff, but they both feel like two really good friends I care about that I also want to kiss and do everything with. Last night, Jeremy talked about pursuing a crush from a music festival and I instinctively felt really jealous, and that he would feel less for me. I know my automatic reaction isn’t always the right one, though. I love Jeremy, I think he’s a lovely person and I want him to know that he’s inherently that person, even outside of myself, his primary partner, thinking it and appreciating him for it. I also know I love the attention I get from other people, and as his partner I’d like him to enjoy a similar form of attention too, even if it means he’s spending time with another woman for it. If either of us does feel less about the other, then it just signals that this isn’t the relationship that we want to nurture nor develop anymore. Tl;dr I’m doing something for the first time in my life and it feels slightly threatening but fun and also like it might help me to grow as a person.

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