OLD HABITS DIE SCREAMING

It is 5.12am as I lie awake, thinking of Gaza and the horrific images I’ve seen and consumed of the genocide. I think of an ex-coworker from lululemon in Singapore, whom I was never super close to but whose words have usually pushed me onward. He said, “it’s not always going to be an easy time, so remember to be strong during the tough seasons.” In the past almost three years, I’ve definitely gone through bouts of homesickness and loneliness, severe anxiety whilst completing a seemingly insurmountable load of assignments near semestral deadlines, intense heartbreak during the ends of romantic relationships, but I cared, and I came out perhaps stronger on the other sides of all of those things. I became more independent, better at writing essays, a potentially more equipped partner for the next person I’d date. Now, I really don’t know what my next step is. Tens of thousands are dying, have died while I churn out another assignment that means nothing to me. Things are so meaningless it is the first time in my life I am taking antidepressants daily, as part of my supposedly regular routine. There is no worth in completing my education if it means I have left my humanity behind. I feel the same things as we all watch the horrors persist and our brains are further desensitized. Someone asks me if I think Taylor Swift is getting married this time. I do not care. I see seventy people have just died. Someone sends me a meme of a kitten. I love it and I laugh and I click the heart. I do not care. I have just seen a beheaded infant. My employers are asking me to do the things I’m paid to do, as if this report is worth more than the people that are dying. I do not care. I do not care. I do not care. My partner Garrett feels the pain of the world and wants to lessen it, he feels overwhelmed and crippled at how much pain there is. His default is sadness, while I default to anger and radicality. I want to bubble wrap all the people I care for while I go out and confront the madness. How dare you try to convince my loved ones, my sister and my partner and my best friend and all the people I care about, that there is something wrong with them for not wanting to work, for not wanting to go on, when there are people like Netanyahu giving orders for his army to do unspeakable inhumane things, and when those people in the army are going through real sickness and mass delusions and psychosis believing that they are in the right. I lie awake seething. While there are no true leaders on the side of the genocide, the revolution will be flooded with real leadership. We all just need to let ourselves be radicalized.

CHLOE OR SAM OR SOPHIA OR MARCUS

Day 106: What are the news headlines today?

I don’t want to read them. 

Day 107: How do you think people describe you?

Brave, funny, smart.

Day 108: What is your most attractive quality?

The quality I find most attractive about myself is that I speak my mind, and I’m not afraid to say I need help, either.

Day 109: Train, car, or airplane?

Airplane, for getting me further. Train, for the views.

Day 110: What do you wish someone would hurry up and invent?

A time travel machine.

Day 111: What was the last big purchase you made?

The Eras Tour ticket in March 2023.

Day 112: What is the last thing you did before going to bed last night?

Check Instagram.

Day 113: Would you rather settle in or venture out?

Settle in, anyday. I am a homebody, through and through.

Day 114: What problem are you having trouble solving?

Financial issues whilst I’m still a student.

Day 115: What habit are you trying to break?

I probably have a minor phone addiction.

Day 116: Who is your best friend?

Lyssa, Alessia, Jeremy, Maggie, and increasingly, Garrett.

Day 117: Are you a saver or a spender?

As an international student, I’m forced to be a saver, although I have no savings. I have no disposable income to be spending.

Day 118: Is technology your friend or foe?

Both, probably. I love how convenient it has made my life, but I hate how dependent I am on it.

Day 119: What movie do you rave about?

La La Land.

Day 120: What food do you cook the most?

Butter chicken.

Day 121: What comforts you in the worst of times?

Being with my loved ones, eating ice cream, listening to Taylor Swift’s music.

Day 122: What household chore do you avoid?

Vacuuming.

Day 123: What natural talents do you have?

Writing, expressing my feelings. I don’t think either of them came naturally to me, I’ve practised for many years and I got really comfortable doing them.

Day 124: What are you saving your money for?

Probably to travel a little after I graduate.

Day 125: What question would you most like answered?

How do we stop climate change? How do we dismantle capitalism? How do we end all wars? They are all interrelated, and the answer to one will likely alleviate the others, too.

Day 126: If tomorrow were your last day on Earth, how would you spend it?

Go to the beach, eat all my favorite foods, call everyone to tell them I love them.

Day 127: What do you think will be different in your life next year?

I would have graduated in May next year and not be so dirt broke, hopefully.

Day 128: Have you ever witnessed something miraculous?

I thought the aurora borealis were pretty spectacular, and it was also on the midnight of turning into my birthday, so that was the loveliest treat. I am going back and answering this question belatedly, as I only saw the aurora on May 11, 2024.

Day 129: What gets better as you get older?

Sex/my comfort and ease at being the person I am.

Day 130: Who or what do you enjoy taking care of?

Myself, Garrett.

Day 131: Who inspires you?

Sara Kishawi, Art, Warren, Kaia.

Day 132: Whom do you most want to impress?

Art, and Warren.

Day 133: How well did you treat yourself today?

Pretty well. Hung out with Garrett and Jeremy at the Vancouver Public Library. Had homemade waffles with the works (fruits/syrup/whipped cream, etc) for Mothers’ Day brunch with Jeremy’s family. I lead a curious life indeed — Jeremy is my ex, and Garrett is my current partner, but dare I say they are both friends through me now?