Sunday, May 27, 2018

DARWIN DEEZ

Last night was one of those nights. I somehow felt all the waves of emotions I'd suppressed and there was only one way to let them out, and I bawled myself to sleep, the kind of bawling that clogged up my nose and I had to breathe through my mouth to get to sleep. One of my part-time colleagues had said something at work, "I don't know how you do nine-hour shifts five days a week, I feel like I'm rotting here from one shift" and I know it was a completely spur-of-the-moment remark and there was nothing malicious about it, but it got to me, and I'd already been feeling, so tired and so heavy, through the week. Then my colleagues were asking each other hypothetical questions again. One of them, Cheryl, asked which of our colleagues we'd pick to be adopted by, so that that person would be our parent. Cheryl said she'd pick me to be her mother, which rather surprised me, I didn't think we were close enough for her to feel that way. She said I'm more towards the "individualism" side and yet I'm still caring about other people's emotions. I didn't, I couldn't mention to her how much this struck a chord in me, but that was probably the thing that started me feeling and thinking through the night. I have had a weird experience with my parents and their parenting styles, and I know people say you turn into your parents, but I really hope I won't be a helicopter parent like my mother nor narcissistic like my father. I feel like a lot of parents tend to have kids, without thinking of them as adults in the future, without thinking of them as people of their own. I think this tends to apply even more when parents are religious. Some parents think it's okay to believe there is a God, there is a Big Man somewhere out there, that created us all just for us to worship Him (or Her), and so these people are completely okay with having kids for their kids to worship them as parents and basically be mini versions of themselves. And they never ever think it's selfish to do this. And I think I would actually like to have kids, I think I would love my kids no matter what or who they turn out to be, because I generally love people for being people. Yet I know, I would never want to raise kids unless I can guarantee that they won't have to struggle in their lives, with their sexuality, with finances, with capitalism. I don't want to add another person to the population if I have to see them struggling. So I think, perhaps if I mother my colleagues at work, that would be enough. Maybe I don't have to have kids of my own if I can be a mother figure to the people who are already in my life. Speaking of which, some of my colleagues at work who are my "daughters" had gotten me the urban decay x kristen leanne beauty beam highlighter palette for my birthday.



I love it.

But even more than that, I love it when people think of me as a mother.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

REPRISE

Adam: How'd it go
Sarah: How'd what go?
Adam: Sleeping of course
Sarah: It went okay hahaha
Sarah: It was sleep
Adam: Hell yeah
Sarah: How was your evening?
Adam: Spent in a car going to Vermont
Adam: I'm bushed
Sarah: Is it a holiday or you're just going back for the weekend?
Adam: Yeah it's a three day weekend
Sarah: What's the holiday
Adam: Memorial Day
Adam: We remember dead soldiers
Sarah: Okay i kinda knew that
Sarah: Just not the date
Adam: Pretty grim
Sarah: Okay *puts on my most solemn face, no giggling
Adam: Thank u
Adam: It means a lot to our troops
Sarah: Right i can't tell if you're just pulling a fast one
Adam: Lol come on
Adam: Do I give a shit about our troops
Sarah: HahahahahHHHhahahahaha
Sarah: All the giggling the entire weekend
Adam: The answer is no lol

Last night/this morning, depending on what timezone you're using, Adam brought up Jordan Peterson, so then I talked to Ben about Jordan Peterson. Adam wants to be the anti-Jordan Peterson and I'm completely in favour of this. Ben and I also talked about privilege and how some people don't recognise privilege because they've studied and worked too hard all their lives, and they want to attribute all the things they've earned to the sheer hard work they've put in, but like. Not acknowledging privilege is so silly, like if you think I don't earn as much as you do because I don't hustle as hard as any other person, when I'm at work practically every weekend, if you think I haven't achieved as much success because I'm lazy as opposed to because my family could not afford as many opportunities as other families could, I mean, that's a different kind of blindness.

Friday, May 25, 2018

INERTIA

Today I Skyped with Ben for an hour. He is back in his family home that he grew up in and there was a Harvard scarf (?) or banner or something hanging on his bedroom wall. He also showed me the hall on which fabulous photos of his great-grandparents were hung. There is also a room that he and his brother Aaron, were not allowed in, because of probably fancy stuff, and there was a piano in that room, and then I thought, wow imagine living in a house big enough that you have an entire room that your kids are not allowed in, I've never felt that, lol. Also, oh my God, my colleague Cat came into the stockroom while I was typing this, and she asked if I was blogging, so I said yes. Somehow we both started talking about long-distance relationships, because her boyfriend Dante is in South Africa and she's here in Singapore before they both go to university in the UK in a couple of months. She said "phone sex is weird" and immediately my floodgates were opened because omg yessss????? Today Ben asked whether I was going to screenshot him and I said I wasn't, obviously, and I thought he didn't trust me. And then there is the matter of each of us worrying about whether our doors are locked and someone walking in on us. And then today I just told Cat I was simulating some licking but I actually licked my phone so there was so much spit and my phone now has to be sanitised. And like????? Phone sex is weird.

Thursday, May 24, 2018

PAWN SHOP

Today I saw a cute guy, walking in the opposite direction ie. towards me. We were both wearing black jackets, we both had messy hair, and were carrying backpacks. The first time I looked at his face, he was also looking at mine, so we both looked away. Before I passed him, I tried to sneak another look to assess just how cute he was, and he was also looking at me, so we again had to glance away. What do people who have partners do when they find someone else attractive? I haven't been in a relationship for so long, I forget the proper conduct. Also, am I in a relationship? Are we, are we not? I hear Ben's voice every morning and night, he is back in his hometown of Nanuet, NY. The backyard is so green and lush. We tell each other we love each other, we talk about future plans, but are we together? Yes, no, maybe? I don't know. Could you repeat the question? Modern dating is so weird. Also, Ben has never dated a woman as apparently naughty as I am. Jesus. I swear when I'm there, it will be the opposite of what I expect and I will be more liberal than half the people are. Everything is so weird.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

SAVE ROCK AND ROLL

you are what you love, not who loves you
in a world full of the word yes, 
I'm here to scream
no, no, wherever I go,
trouble seems to follow
I only plugged in to save rock 'n roll
oh no, we won't go
'cos we don't know when to quit, no

Monday, May 21, 2018

OKAY, SO WE'RE DOING THIS

Recently, my workplace has been asking everyone a daily question before the start of our shifts, just to get us into the mood of working, and to let us get to know each other somewhat more personally. Yesterday it was "what would you do if you had one billion dollars?" and then I went into quite a bit of detail, leading my colleagues to say that I was really thinking about it. I was thinking about it, of course, you don't ask someone like me such a question and expect me not to think about it. My brain never stops whirring, and I'm a writer, so I'm always imagining something other than the reality I'm in. Plus, if you're asking a question like that, I take it very literally. One billion dollars is very different from a million dollars, I could stop within an hour of talking about a million dollars, but having a billion dollars, is having a thousand possibilities of spending that million, and I'm gonna fulfill this billion-dollar-potential as much as I can. First, I would pay off my parents' debts, then relocate my household to a nice cosy home in New Zealand, where my mum would like to retire with my stepdad and my family. This would take perhaps two hundred grand, with the migration fees and the house. I would put aside conditional educational trust funds for my six younger siblings, with a cap of three hundred thousand dollars each. If they all used it up, it would only be about two million dollars spent, and I'd have 998 million dollars left! Man, I love being a billionaire. I would take drumming lessons, and learn to drive, go for LASIK so I can be unencumbered by my failing eyesight. I would buy myself a beachfront house in New York, write and read all day everyday, drive out to the city whenever I want, to catch Broadway musicals and concerts. I would sponsor the educations of other women of colour, visit impoverished nations, and bring the brightest minds out and let them study whatever they want to, wherever they want to, in the world. There are way too many bright minds not given their proper spaces to flourish, and the white men with all the money will never change that, so I will. I will build safehouses and give visibility to QTPoC, and people who are no longer accepted by their families due to religious/cultural differences, etc. I will invest money into environmental causes, and also sponsor scholarships for inventors to make the world more plastic-free. I'll buy a bamboo/reusable straw for everyone able to use a straw. I would study fashion and change it to be more sustainable. I dunno, generally I think I'll just pay for less privileged/advantaged people of the world to be educated to try to level the playing field, and hope they do the same for others. I think I'll just keep 100 million dollars for myself to travel, and to live for the rest of my life (in case I do get cancer), that should be more than enough.

Sunday, May 20, 2018

APPLE CINNAMON MUFFIN

We have a colleague Michelle, from China, she grew up there for most of her life, so when she found out some of the people at work were fasting for Ramadhan, she got really curious and asked another of my colleagues, Kyrene (Singaporean Chinese) about it. Michelle said in the part of China where she grew up, they don't have events that would ask people to stop eating, they have festivals that encourage eating more instead, and for some reason, that really amused me. She also told me her elder brother had also come to Singapore to work about a month ago, and that he was a really nice guy, a gentleman. She said, "I'm sorry to your boyfriend, Sarah, but my brother is a really nice person for you" so I laughed it off and said she could introduce him to her other girlfriends but she said she liked me more, hahahahahaha oh, Michelle.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

NANUET

Loving someone should always be like this: really liking them for the person they are, talking things out, being nice and considerate to and of each other, taking away the heaviness of the world brought upon each other's shoulders instead of adding on to it, trusting each other. Ben and I have now both proposed to each other twice. The first time each of us proposed, we both rejected/got rejected by the other. The second time, we both said yes. Yes, that means there have been four separate times we proposed marriage to each other. I want to say we are being ridiculous, but I also don't find it at all ridiculous.

it's a love story, baby just say yes

Friday, May 18, 2018

FUCK LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA
(ALSO KNOWN AS: HAS IT BEEN
A MONTH ALREADY?)

anything you can do, I can do, bleeding

I was thinking of using the time after sahur (pre-dawn meal) to be productive with my writing before heading to work because I have the "same number of hours in my day as Lin-Manuel Miranda" then I thought: Lin has never given birth like his wife has, Lin has never battled nor experienced monthly debilitating stomach cramps and figured out how to deal with them, Lin has never felt weak from the lack of iron thanks to losing blood from the vagina he doesn't have, Lin has never had to fight with his parents regarding dressing "appropriately" for his gender and culture, Lin has not had to fight my fights, so fuck Lin-Manuel Miranda, I'm good enough as I am. And that, folks, is how you know my period is impending.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

KING LEAR

I had what Ben called an actor's nightmare, last night. I was the lead character of a stage production, but they'd only given me one day to memorise chunky, heavy, long lines. Despite being given multiple cues, I clean forgot them when I was on stage, and the worst thing is there were people in the audience whom I've always wanted to impress. I don't know what the dream means, besides that I'd eaten a lot before sleeping, but Ben says it was cool because now we share the experience. He used to want to be an actor, he did theatre in Harvard. If Ben says it's cool, it's cool. Naw, I'm kidding. But I do love Ben. I haven't come up with a hashtag for him yet, but I'm thinking perhaps #notmyfavoriteBen, because our inside joke is that my favorite Ben is the one of Ben & Jerry's fame (his name is Ben Cohen).

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

RAMADHAN

It is the start of Ramadhan. Ben and I had a little conversation over text, about the move of the embassy to Jerusalem. Ben is Jewish, and I'm Muslim by association (lolol I dunno how else to put it), so it could have become quite heated, but we saved that for another day, because texting is definitely not the best way to discuss a decades-long complicated issue, in which neither of us wants to see any bloodshed but each of us has a little bit of an interest in sort of opposing sides. He doesn't agree with the move, and I would say I wouldn't agree with all the moves made by any of the parties so far. So. Will I ever learn to cut my run-on sentences short, and write properly? Perhaps. I told Ben that the ink ribbon for my typewriter is sort of drying up (is that what it does? not sure what the proper terminology is), and Hazwani might not have had time to find a replacement before giving it to me for my birthday. I don't know where I can find typewriter ink ribbons, seeing as typewriters themselves are not too common in Singapore, and Ben said he'd look around in Brooklyn when he gets home, and send them to me if he finds them. I love Ben. It's hard to want to sit myself down to write when I remember that I have Ben, who makes me feel so good, and so nice, and so much better about the world, but then I think, to get to Ben, to get with Ben, I have to keep writing. So. Delayed gratification is how it will have to be.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

BRIGHTER THAN SUNSHINE

I had a birthday last week. It was my 28th, so it was pretty special to me.


My family got me a watch, as is their tradition, with the exception of last year, because last year was weird for us as a family, and perhaps they forgot about their traditions with me, but this year, it seems like things could be mended, slowly.


Chloe got me Gold Class movie vouchers, which I love. Going to the cinema is one of my favorite things to do, and unfortunately I did very little of this in 2017. I seem to have taken time out from doing so many things that I like, but now I'm going to try get back to them. Gold Class movie vouchers are such great gifts, because who wouldn't like watching movies in comfortable cushioned reclining chairs, and blankets, and personal tables for your fancy meals? No one. But who would dish out that money on themselves? I wouldn't, lol, I mean regular movie tickets are pricey enough!

My soultwin Viv gave me cash as part of my tattoo fund, which is apt because she's one of my tattoo shifus. Hehehe I cannot wait to go get it with her and Andrea and Han and Pamela. Ben says I deserve better than Bon Jovi, so maybe I'll do Hamilton, I dunno.


My girls: Han, Tiqs and Sha got me fake flowers because they knew I've never liked flowers because they wilt and die, so these ones will never die, and they got a vase for them, and this is amazing. They also got me shopping vouchers, which I think I'll use to get myself a bottle of Chanel No. 5 EDP. It's my favorite perfume, but I only used it once in my life, when my mother got it for me on my 21st birthday. I always loved the powdery, sweet scent but I thought it doesn't really suit me, I'm not demure -- you know, I'm the girl who burps in public and posts videos of myself coughing phlegm on my Instagram stories, but you know, it's my year, I will wear whatever perfume I want to. They're also taking me to watch Kumar next week, which I'm really looking forward to! For someone who wants to do a stand-up comedy session sometime, it's funny that I've never seen a stand-up comic live. I've only seen those on Netflix or Youtube.


Cuifen, Pearlyn, Timothy and Yuriko got me two Pandora bracelets, and they are gorgeous, and pink, and extremely me. One of them has an S charm, because of course my name is Sarah. This is my new staple accessory.


Nabilah got me a handbag from Charles & Keith, which is just the perfect colour and design and which I'm gonna use for Eid this year. Yay, I have something besides my backpacks to carry around!

Dana's gift to me was the gorgeous watermelon cake that was a talking point of the night. The decor of the cake really coincidentally matched my dress and the flowers in my hair and you can see it in the Instagram photos of my party.





So, Ben got me a little pink Pusheen plushie, because I was always mewing to him randomly. He also wrote me two cards. One was something for me to read at the party, and the other was an essay of what he loved about me. He couldn't fit it on one page so he continued on the back of that card. This man is so adorable, and he's mine. When we watched Hamilton, I'd cried at the scene of It's Quiet Uptown, because that was when Hamilton and Eliza had just lost their son Philip, and of course it always takes me back to my miscarriage, so I'd been sniffling. Towards the end of the musical, during Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story, one of the lines about Eliza building an orphanage got to Ben, he said it reminded him of his mum, who had been a special ed teacher, and he teared, and I was completely thrown. This man! I've seen the Hamilton bootleg with several men, but none of them responded the way Ben did, and I love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We also had a fantastic dinner at National Kitchen by Violet Oon, at the National Gallery. It was his treat 'cos we didn't think he would be staying until my birthday but he extended his trip, and he did grace my party and make it ever more memorable.

Also, on my birthday evening, I was asking if anyone wanted to play games before we ended the party, but most of my friends and family were tired, because we'd already had quite a bit of fun with jokes (#saidpeoplesaidyourself) and confusing anecdotes, and the watermelon cake, and sparklers. Ben then said "I want to play games" and I knew it was because he had been going around with me to prepare the things for the party, and I'd just bought the whiteboard for Pictionary and I just wanted my guests to enjoy themselves, and I wanted to just squeeze him right there and then. We ended up not playing, but my party was really fun and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, and they all liked each other and commended me for my taste in social circles, anyway, hehehe.



The pièce de résistance was Hazwani's gift, which is a pink typewriter, that is fully functioning and I'm still figuring out how to use all of its magic. My life is now complete, I WANT FOR NOTHING ELSE. This is just my type(writer) of gift, actually all my gifts were my type of gifts.

I am now 28, and I have received such lovely things, but as I said during my little speech to end off my party, I am truly blessed to have the best people as my company. The most important thing they all did for me was to stay by my side through rough storms in my life. I can look around and say how lucky I am to be alive right now (Hamilton reference, for the uninitiated).

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

28

Today, I turned 28. Statistics suggest that men die of heartbreak soon after being widowed, but women continue to live long after their husbands have died. Women tend to form more close relationships with friends and family than men do, we confide our feelings and lean on one another for hope, support, joy and of course, love, and this helps so much in phases of grief and major down times. This has been the trend but of course it can and should be changed, if we just do away with toxic masculinity. It won’t be easy, but it’s worth the work. The people I spent tonight with are my people (and a few who were not here: there are those whom I am better friends with online who are always so encouraging and kind and I love them but I didn’t know if it would have been awkward to invite y’all to a party of irl friends!) — they’ve seen me at my best, and through my ultimate worst in life. You were all my Cristina Yangs. Thank you for everything you have done for me. You all have been my light, and given me strength to fight, time and time again. Hey, 28 is my favourite number, and I made it. #28 #birthday #love #family #besties #friends #chessnotcheckers
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Wednesday, May 09, 2018

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

So half a year ago, I was on Tinder in Brooklyn although I'd never been in New York (don't ask why, I'm a little insane sometimes), and I matched with a guy called Ben. I then liked someone else, and got distracted, but Ben and I were Facebook friends. He and I continued to like several of each other's posts, but never really kept in contact. Two weeks ago, he asked me whether I would be free to have a cuppa with him because he would be in Singapore for a weekend. I said yes, of course. In the past two weeks, if I haven't been asleep or at work, then I have been most likely looking into his face. One of the first things I learned about him in person, was that he went to Harvard University, he studied English (read English? I dunno) and at first when he had told me, he said he didn't like how I was reacting and he didn't like to tell people and for people to treat him differently, but I liked it even more. I would think that being from Harvard would make it even higher odds that he could be an entitled highly-educated white prick, and I have met so many men who are intelligent, and none of them better human beings for it. This man, though, the first morning that we'd woken up together, he talked about social mobility. He said it's much harder for black families, they might get their way into the middle class but then fall back down the class ranks again, and it's very different from white families, and there's still a long, long journey to work and fight for (I had a clip of this - you can actually watch a lot of Ben on my Instagram Stories highlight tab, and a lot of my colleagues have started looking forward to seeing him, this white man, as part of my Stories). His mum passed away of cancer, and I see him still coming to terms with it, and when I asked him what his favorite food was, he said it was beef brisket the way his mum used to make it, and she taught him the recipe, but that his doesn't match up to hers because she'd been making it for decades, and he needs those decades to improve on his. I've brought him to eat local delicacies, things like laksa, and rendang - voted the most delicious dish in the world, in a poll by CNN International taken by 50000 people, and sambal stingray, and drinking sugarcane. He likes most of it, and he does this cute little review of sorts of our streetside everyday food, and he pronounces it in a butchery white man way, but I correct him, and he tries. Several days ago, my colleagues were having a conversation about whether they approved of Ben, because we have this joke that I am their mum, and they should approve of the man I'm dating, and the banter went back and forth but the consensus was that I was happy, and he was making me happy, and every screenshot I put up on Instastories of a conversation between us was cute and quirky and smart, and they like him. He's also turned up at work several times to fetch me for a meal or to send me home, and they think he is very sweet, and they are right, he is. Sometimes when I ask if I can film him for Instagram, he says "I'm not your show pony!" but then he does it anyway, because he said he likes that I so want to show him off. Last weekend, the public transport system fucked up again, and I hadn't known about it, so we had to take an extremely long detour, and my gripe about it was that nobody who was going along the same train journey as us, had seemed to know, and everybody was confused, and Uber was surcharging because everybody was trying to Uber home, so I said, we are a first-world nation with everyone owning and being hooked on a smartphone, it should have been easier to get the message spread on social media and make us aware of it, but I didn't say this, I yelled it while we had to walk past queues and policemen and volunteers trying to bring order to the situation. I also peppered it with constant "what the FUCK is wrong with Singapore? Fuck this shit!" and a whole lotta fucks, and basically I was in public-transport-rage-mode, and at this point, men usually understand I'm a basketcase with a lot of issues, but Ben, despite telling me he saw a five-year-old girl side-eye me for my rage, said it was normal and healthy, and distracted me and told me stories, and held my hand throughout, and I thought, damn, he does really love me. Whenever I say Jesus Christ, he says Superstar, like the musical, and I Instagrammed this and my manager Aileen was so tickled she kept singing it when I got to work. He dropped out of a community choir because the director kept gaslighting him and he accused Ben of saying that no non-blacks are allowed to sing black songs, and they had an altercation about appreciation and cultural appropriation. He also asked me what it was that I read and watch, to be in the know about such things as race and gender politics, and I told him I'm in an intersectional feminism group on Facebook, and the people on there had really helped me get through my miscarriage. This is the man I love, and this is the kind of white man I like. One of the things I hate people bringing up when the topic of my dating comes up, is that "white men only want sex", which befuddles me, because one, there is nothing wrong with sex, two, everyone wants it - white or men of colour, white women or women of colour, and three, men of colour, especially in Singapore, have not been introduced to the idea of systemic racism and gender politics. They hate being told that they've internalised misogyny, they hate being told that they're mansplaining, they hate being told that perhaps white men deal with gender politics better because they've been called out on their race politics and so have started to think about these things, and are thinking about the issue with a mindset that's a decade ahead than their Asian male counterparts. When we watched the Hamilton bootleg on my laptop, there's a scene in Aaron Burr, Sir, where they knock a beat on the bench and Laurens says "showtime! showtime! I'm John Laurens in the place to be!" and Ben asked if I knew where the "showtime" ref was from, and he said it is how crews start performing in public in New York, whether on train platforms or anyplace, that's how they start, and I told him I'd just read that bit of information in my Hamiltome and I knew it, and I thought, this man is living the life I want. He's living out the Hamilton scene I've been playing in my head over and over. Over the past week, I told him he shouldn't be making me fall in love with him, so he asked if I wanted him to do something horrible so I wouldn't miss him so much. I said, "well are you gonna hook up with someone else and disappear?" to which he responded that that would not be poetic, and followed up with "Hamilton is overrated." He said this knowing my feelings about Hamilton, that it's the American Dream taking place, but the cast is so diverse that black people and Asians and Hispanics see themselves as founding fathers of America, and if there's one thing I love, it's representation. Ben knows which buttons to push that I respond to, and he also knows to tell me he loves me, because I love being told that I'm loved, just as much as I love telling people I love them. This love has been a microcosm, perhaps like all loves, and I have enjoyed it so much, and I will miss you, Ben, always. Thank you for the best two weeks I could have had while turning 28.

Monday, May 07, 2018

PARALLAX ERROR

In secondary school (that's high school to you Muricans), I remember when a friend told me that I had used perverse thinking that it was the same word and meant the same thing as perverted. I later learned that he was right, they were two different things. In polytechnic (that's like vocational school), a good friend I still keep in contact with (Viv - I don't know if she'd ever remember this) told me what "patronising" meant, because I'd again never known. I initially had this impression it was a good gesture, I said "isn't it a good thing if someone is saying you're right and indulging your feelings?" before I really learned what it encompassed. Thinking back, I wonder what took so long for me to learn such words, but every time I think I know something, of course I can be proven wrong, and I must always, always, always remind myself there is always room for me to be wrong, and that I can always learn.

Saturday, May 05, 2018

IN HEAT

Mochi is in heat and mewing non-stop and her eating/litter area is right outside my room so I get woken up most at night. The poor girl seems to be contorting herself and feeling really uncomfortable and it reminds me of my own premenstrual cramps, but at least I know why that shit happens and I get to take painkillers. Poor Moch. I think we've gotta get her spayed/fixed/neutered soon. I also have a gazillion other things to do and say but I am happy, happy, happy.

Friday, May 04, 2018

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU

I need the time to choose a font, email Maxine (that's @maxinengps on Instagram), reply the email from the girl/lady who reads this blog, write to Freya with regards to her move to Dubai. I will attempt all this through the weekend. I have the same number of hours in a day as Lin-Manuel Miranda. Also, my birthday is in seven days and I accept contributions to tattoo funds, hehehehehe.

Thursday, May 03, 2018

WRITINGS ON THE WALL

I am grateful, I am grateful, I am ever grateful. I am also at the moment knackered, but in the loveliest of ways, and of my own choice and doing as well, so for that I am grateful. May flowers, coming right up.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

THESE THINGS TAKE TIME

I was out last night for dinner with Ben (Glaser, it's a different Ben from someone else I was dating hahaha), we stayed out a little late past midnight. I had an 8am meeting this morning, so I had to leave home at 6am right, and I slept all the way in the train to work. About a year ago, or when I was depressed, I could not sleep regardless how I tired myself out, regardless what I did. I could swim and run and deprive myself of sleep intentionally, and yet I would lie awake in bed, feeling the worst things and not being able to fall into sleep. Now, just being able to feel tired and fall asleep during train journeys, feels like my life is back to normal. I am grateful for sleep.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

KOALITY

A couple of nights ago, when I was with my best friends, they saw that between my phone and transparent phone cover I'd displayed an Instax of us, in our onesies from 2016. I told them it is one of my very favourite memories because it was one night before my cousin had passed on in an accident, one week before I found out I was pregnant, and about two weeks before my miscarriage. My nose was still burned from the LA sun, as is apparent from the photo. I love these people so much, and I forget that we each have our own fights in life. For one of us, it is to carve a space in the medical world. She is a beauty, so naturally her worth is undermined. In Singapore, there are very few Malay doctors in proportion to the population, let alone female ones, but she is on her way to making her mark. One of us is a reminder to me that your social media experience is not you and does not define you, she doesn't have an Instagram nor Facebook, she doesn't need to show anyone anything about her life, and yet it is still worth as much happiness and love as anyone else's, if not more. One of us is me, and I am always fighting my own fight against the patriarchy, I fail sometimes, a lot of the time. My existence is to fight against the notion that a woman born Malay and into a Muslim family must necessarily have the same beliefs, must not show my skin, nor have tattoos nor piercings, nor have sex indiscriminately, before I am considered wholesome. I reject the idea that your parents and family define you and your existence, you are your own person and you can be wholesome however you want to be. We are not anyone else's opinion of us. You define you. #love
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Friday, April 27, 2018

GRACE

Monday night, I will be going to watch Fall Out Boy live, with the three sisters whom I live with. I haven't listened to their recent songs at all. I think it'll be fun. We saw the setlist, and I know they'll be performing at least four of their old songs that I know and like (Thnks fr the Mmrs, Sugar We're Goin' Down, Dance Dance, and This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race). I think I might've read somewhere that FOB might be problematic, but who knows, everyone is problematic in one aspect or the other. Imma just go for the music, and to be my sisters' chaperone. I cannot believe I listened to them when I was thirteen and am now going to their concert with my fourteen-year-old sister. F U C K ME I cannot be so old!

Thursday, April 26, 2018

YOU'VE GOT MAIL

Today I received an email from a girl (lady? I dunno?) who's read my blog and wants to be friends. I liked her email and I will have to reply it sometime soon. While I say I like making friends and having friends, sometimes it doesn't seem like it. In the past week, I had a guy I used to date for like, a month, in the past, and he said he wanted to be friends because he still cares about me and my life. While I appreciate the notion, I tried to give him all sorts of excuses why it wouldn't work out. I said we didn't have anything in common, and then we were both passive-aggressive, but then I gave in and so now we are apparently friends. I think I don't like it when men whom I used to date or have feelings for, tell me they just wanna be friends, because I always have very strong feelings, and I think if we are friends, my feelings will come back, but none of the men are ever worried about this, which makes me think, maybe none of them ever liked me as much as I liked them, and this saddens me.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

DNCE

baby you don't have to rush
you can leave a toothbrush at my place
we don't need to keep it hush
you can leave a toothbrush at my place   

I would really like to see A Quiet Place. That's all I have in mind. I switched to my new phone, Samsung S9, a couple of days ago, and it felt a little strange not to use an iPhone interface, although I'd only been an iPhone user for barely three years. My sister and I were experimenting and her iMessages to me can no longer be delivered, which is strange because I use a MacBook and my iMessage and FaceTime should still function and be able to send/receive messages from my laptop, no? Curious. If you're an American friend, please know that I have switched to an Android, alright bye.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

YOOGANE

Last night, I met Viv and Andrea for Yoogane, a Korean eatery where they cook your selected dishes in front of you. It's something like teppanyaki but it's done at your own individual tables? IDK.


When we were done with our meal, Viv tried to get one of the waiters' attention to box up the leftovers for us, but got ignored. The second time she did it, she was sure she'd do it right, so she was all confident with her "hi" but midway through her hi she realised the second waiter had also ignored her and her hi went progressively softer and her raised hand lowered itself in tandem, and it was the funniest thing, so I had to start filming, just in case we were ignored forever.

It was a fun night. It's been good. I used to be much more informative and I would totally be, but I'm old and tired, and perhaps one day I will have more words, but for now I'm just full. My heart is full. My friends are love.

Friday, April 20, 2018

JE NE SUIS PAS UN HOMME FACILE

I watched I Am Not An Easy Man on Netflix. Shahida and Pamela, two of my best friends, separately recommended it to me because they enjoyed it and because they know I’m a feminist. While I would say, as a film it is enjoyable enough and men should definitely watch it — I’ve decided any man I am seeing must watch it and I will get their opinions about it — I also felt like, now what? The film didn’t really set out with a solution. If it’s about raising awareness then great, I hope men are aware and feel more empathy when they are themselves objectified. Will they set out to change this world that we live in though? Hardly likely. Change is made out of people willing to put themselves at discomfort, and not many people do this even if it’s for a greater good. Still, I will take what I can. If a man agrees to see I Am Not An Easy Man with me and offer me his opinion, I am more than willing to sit through the film dozens of times. For the greater good, non? ;)

Thursday, April 19, 2018

CHESS NOT CHECKERS

A saying that Lin-Manuel Miranda favours is “chess not checkers”, and I really like it. Life is chess, not checkers. It’s not easy, it’s not fast, there are many rules, it takes patience, and there are multiple strategies to it. I am very tired today but life is chess, not checkers. It’s less than a month to my 28th birthday, which I am really looking forward to, because 28 is my favourite number and when I turn 28, all I want to say is “I made it” — the past three years have been especially rough on me, not even considering my tumultuous childhood but, hey, I made it to 28. I can breathe easy.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

HO-HUM

Not much to say today. I read more of Hamiltome, armed with Post-its to annotate my own thoughts onto Lin’s annotations of the musical. I didn’t learn much today, but I felt content. Or perhaps, satisfied, to use my favourite track off Hamilton. I would be so much more useful if you placed me with books and words and told me to absorb knowledge from them, I don’t know why it costs so much to study. Where does the money go? I wish there was an equivalent for community college in Singapore. The thing about the United States being so diverse is that there is always an option for everyone, a safety net for people who can’t afford the expensive route. Wait, did I say I was feeling satisfied today? Yes, yes I am.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

THIS IS NOT A MOMENT
IT'S THE MOVEMENT

I am currently perusing my Hamiltome (official book title - Hamilton: The Revolution) at a Starbucks looking for college tuition aid, sipping on an iced shaken tea lemonade, wondering whether it is my Sbux consumption habits that are making me too broke for tuition, not the fact that tuition fees have been increasing by insane percentages. #millennial Here is what people see: I am at a Starbucks, with my MacBook, and a drink in my Tumblr-worthy tumbler. Here is what people don't know but what I am telling you: I am here for the free Wifi, and I brought my own sandwich from home, had to sneakily eat it from inside my bag, so I'd only have to pay for a drink and not food, which I can easily make at home. Still, though, all things considered - this is by far not the worst point in my life. It's been pretty decent. Pretty, pretty decent. I collected my new passport this morning. I'm thinking of whether I should burn my previous passport, it has stamps from my previous trips to LA/the US, and I've tried my best to rewrite or break off all ties to those times and memories, so. The difference between Alexander Hamilton's time and now is most definitely that we, as entities in this era, definitely have a much bigger say over who lives, who dies and who tells our stories. I will write my own story.