Tuesday, December 11, 2018


It hits you in the ways you don't quite expect it to. Yesterday, instead of watching The Good Place on my Netflix account like I did in Singapore, I watched the latest episode on NBC, because it's not available on Netflix here. Because it was on NBC, I had to watch the ads that were screened and slotted at certain points of the episode. I watched ads about Botox for migraines and fire tv, and car commercials and toys and UPS services, and I realise they were all new to me, we don't have the same services in Singapore, and things aren't marketed for similar purposes, and every single packaging is different. I felt so overwhelmed, I had never heard of fire tv before, and suddenly everyone here is using it. It was a sensory overload, and I needed much more time to process everything I was and am learning. If I mention all the services that I know of from Singapore, nobody here would know any of them, and all at once, I felt like an outsider. It was such a surreal experience, to feel like that from TV, of all things.

On my first weekend here (which was already two weekends ago, wow) Adam and I went for brunch, where I pointed out to him that many people here are overwhelmingly on the good-looking/attractive side. It's not even my attraction to white people, people here are Hispanic and Asian and Middle Eastern and God knows where else they're from, but they're all so pretty or handsome and have got such strong features. Adam looked around and he agreed, and he said perhaps he hadn't noticed it as much because he grew up here and he'd gotten used to it. I told him I felt a little intimidated and I didn't know why, but then of course, he says very honestly to me: I think you put a little stock into being attractive, and in Singapore, you felt assured by having looks, and it might feel like if everyone here is good-looking, then you don't have that much to offer --- but people don't like you because you're pretty, they like you because you're funny and sweet.

For all the trashy men I've gotten involved with, I think Adam negates all of the negativity and gives me hope for the male species. That's saying a loOoOOot. Ok bye.

Sunday, December 09, 2018


I don't know what everyone else is aware of, but sometimes I learn things much later than other people, based on the fact that I've been quite sheltered from the real world for much of my earlier life. I wish I knew everything that everyone else knows, this is a thing that I really do wish. I wish I knew as much music as Adam does, I wish I knew engineering and nuts and bolts like my best friend does, I wish I knew how to be patient and understanding and how kids work like my friends who are teachers. When I was spending time with Adam, I suddenly felt a strange feeling, I didn't want to tell him, because I was anxious that it meant I wasn't ready to be dating him, or that he would take it to mean that way. I started tearing a bit, and despite being overwhelmed by my feelings and not wanting to face them, Adam coaxed me to communicate. So I told him, I had a thought of missing Joey, whilst I was right there with Adam. Adam held me in his arms and told me it was okay and understandable, that the last time I was in the USA was with Joey, and being in the US evokes similar feelings in me, and yeah, I did like Joey a lot and for me to feel similar things while I'm with Adam that I did with Joey, makes sense. He said, we're not just our thoughts and feelings, and it's human to have very strong feelings about significant others, past and present. I went from feeling nervous and anxious, to extremely comforted. This is the man I feel safe talking to about what I think makes me a basketcase. We met his friends at a holiday get-together on Friday, and they were just as funny and warm. If you've been following my Instastories, you'd have also seen that he cooked chicken pesto linguine on Friday, and steak last night, for us. I know it's a thought that's been expressed before, but I feel it now: he's so familiar it feels less like we are getting to know each other, than it is like he's always been part of me, and we're getting reacquainted. I don't know how I can explain why it feels that way. We watched La La Land last night, and he liked it and appreciated it, maybe not as much as I do. I love La La Land the way Sebastian loves jazz, but I'm glad he finally saw it with me, and he likes the score and the colors and the old-timey feel. Next up, Hamilton! Adam is now my boyfriend, hehehehe what a lovely word to roll off my tongue. What a lovely Christmas present. I have something solid and healthy with someone who keeps me solid and healthy and so very happy, and I wish you all nothing less. Don't be afraid to catch feels!

Friday, November 30, 2018


Somewhere in my 24 hours of transit, I looked at my entertainment screen tracking our flight progress and it said our ground speed was 870km/h. I looked out at the clouds and the same clouds seemed to be beside us for a while. I wondered whether it didn't feel like 870km per hour because that hadn't factored in wind resistance, or because the aircraft has been built so you don't feel the velocities at which you move. It doesn't account for the fact that the clouds seemed to be moving with us. I wish I'd been travelling and that I am here with Han, my best friend the aircraft engineer. She would have had an answer, she was geekily excited at telling me the aircraft I was going to be taking, it was the one she's currently learning about. It has been one day and although I don't even meet her that often when we're in Singapore, I suddenly miss her. The perfect foil character to my life. She deals with the technical, and I maneuver the emotional.

Where I'd previously arrived in LA both times in the day greeted by pinks and oranges in the sky, New York by night is a sprawling, tangled web of pure gold and silver. Is it all street lights and traffic? Perhaps, but within those cabs and buildings I imagine dozens of conversations happening between families, friends and lovers. It is simultaneously less and also more romantic than LA is. I'm still 35,000ft in the air and I can already see this is the city that never sleeps. While I'm still elevated in an airplane (that handed me a sandwich with a sticker: Served with clouds on the side), New York I Love You, But/And You're Bringing Me Down, has never been more apt.

Adam already seems a little unnerved by the fact I've been comparing every detail in LA to every detail I've seen in New York. He is defensive of New York, though I would not say oddly so, because everyone I've known from NY is protectively proud of New York, and everyone I've known from LA is protectively proud of Los Angeles. It is the most intense yet endearing rivalry I've seen. Adam and I are navigating what seems to be the most major-scale first date in the history of first dates. He smells really good. All this to say, Brooklyn has been a dream and I hope it continues to be.

I'm in the midst of adjusting all my timezones to EST. This post and everything else will now follow my time.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018


so they're cheering for me now
in the streets, hear them cheering for me now
right up Broadway, they're cheering for me now
and one day, all the enemies I've made 
might hold their own parade
but not today

I came here with nothing
like hundreds before me
and millions behind me
you know you can find me in New York
where everyone's different
but share the same island
polluted and loud
but you're safe in the crowd
here in New York

today it's my city
tomorrow, who knows
today we're a country
let's see how that goes

upstate doesn't trust us
they're safe in their sameness
they're scared of what's strange
but each corner means change
here in New York
where else can you wander
and hear every language
we fight like a marriage
then share the same carriage
we suffer the weather
we bind and we tether
this nation together

I'm just getting started
and time's of the essence
I can't say I've made it
but I'd never trade it
they've thrown a parade
ha! in my New York

cheering for me now
can you hear them cheering for me now
Obviously Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a new song for Hamilton and releases it the week before I move to New York. He's reprising his role as A. Ham in Puerto Rico. If anyone brings me to watch it, you have my loyalty forever.

Thursday, November 15, 2018


14 days till I leave. I was FaceTiming Adam on my MacBook, while he was on his iPhone as he usually is.

Sarah: Gimme two minutes, I need to pee

Adam: Bring me with you
Adam: I always bring you with me to pee

Sarah: I'm on my laptop


Monday, November 12, 2018


Today was the heaviest and probably most important therapy session I've had so far. After having taken all her notes of me and written a case file, my therapist shared my formulation with me, roughly how I became the person I am. She says I went through multiple forms of rejection and abandonment when I was just a kid, from the divorce and then my father not really being around, having the subconscious knowledge that my parents hadn't planned for me and thus I wasn't very accepted by the wider community. Apparently I also had to grow up and assume the role of an adult much earlier than I was mature enough for, like perhaps when my parents fought and I saw my mother being hurt, I would have been much more protective of my mom and little sister at the time, or when my mother would ask me to mediate for alimony transactions from my dad, or when I was approached by the stranger who told me to advise my dad about his philandering ways, or when my mother had cancer and my sisters were still tiny, and at the time, my mother didn't tell my sister and my sister was upset for months and I was caught in between. Those are possibly the things that cultivated the protective instinct in me. My therapist also said these form part of the confusing juxtaposition of my existence, or at least how it is when I am at home and interacting with my mother. My mother engages in emotional manipulation, a thing that many parents do, but that most are not aware of, because parents rarely, if ever, know what they're even doing as parents. When I was telling my therapist about my childhood history, I said my mother and I used to be best friends, I could confide most things in her and we would laugh and cry at the same things, perhaps also because she was and is a very young mother (currently I am 28 and she's 46), but that after I had gone through the miscarriage, my mother was much more distant and closed off from me. She withdrew her emotional support for me, to signal that I was only worth her care and concern if I do things that she approves of and agrees with. Although most parents actually use some forms of emotional manipulation when raising their children, apparently this affects me more than with other kids, because since I was young, I only recognised my mother as my singular parental figure, and without her emotional support, I felt like I wasn't validated or acknowledged as worthy, by anyone. This was why, in the past two years, I went through the emotional turmoil of being up and down, because I craved my mother's validation, but she barely gave any sign to show that she noticed my depression. My therapist says we have an enmeshed relationship, and a rather complicated one. Although at many points in my life, I have been subconsciously expected to assume a mature adult role in the family, at the very same time, my mother also treats me like a child, and shows her displeasure very clearly by cutting off her emotional support for me, when I do things like act out for not having my own privacy, or wear clothes she doesn't like, or get a tattoo, etc. I am at once an adult and a child, and I have been very confused, apparently, until now, when I decide that I will make my own decisions, as my own adult. My therapist spent forty minutes just talking about me, asking if I was okay, because she brought up things that I'd probably known and buried deep in my subconscious, and I wanted to tear at some of the things. She talked about factors that are called predisposing, precipitating, perpetuating and protective factors, and I hoped to retain all of the verbal information as best as I could, so that I recognise what is within my control, and what remains beyond. Before I left, she kept asking whether I was okay, because she didn't want me to be so strongly affected by her "raking up my past". I told her I was fine and I liked knowing it all, but I do think I'm feeling a lot of things and I should acknowledge it. I had ice-cream with Pamela tonight, though, at my therapist's suggestion I treated myself to something I like.

Tuesday, November 06, 2018


So I stayed up following people who went out to vote. In fact I've been following it since people went out to vote early. Adam sent me a ballot that his niece wrote on, she said "mommy is the winr I love you" which is the most precious thing I've ever seen. I'm so proud of the citizens participating in the democratic process, y'all are so sexxxxy. I went on a bit of a ramble to Adam, on how you can't lose hope and just call out fascists as fascists, thinking it will change anything, because that's not how you change and tackle fascism, although of course I'm not living there and feeling the real bleakness of the future yet. Adam joked that he wanted to commit voter fraud and vote in like Florida, I think. I have 22 days till I leave here, and also 22 days till I arrive at JFK. Timezones are amazing. I am looking forward to the cold, and the ice-skating, I think. I have a midnight shipment tomorrow that will probably end late, Friday morning and I'm already tired thinking about it. There is something pressing that I'm not thinking about and it's giving me a stress headache and I don't know what it is. My sister Lyssa turned 22 yesterday, and she said both "I love you" and "I'm gonna miss you" multiple times to me, although she isn't the type to usually express her feelings. I wish I could take her with me. Aigoo, I wonder if all elder siblings think too much about their younger 'uns.

Friday, November 02, 2018


I have a better memory than most, so I remember things from ages ago. I have not let go of things from my childhood, and they weigh me down in my bones. However, I try to give credit where it's due. My real father sent me a text while I was working a late night, and while doing stock inventory, I started crying. This was what it said:
Hello dearest.
I don't know when or if we'll get to spend together before you go to LAX, so I thought I may as well just send you a message.
You've made your decision to move and for better or for worse I have to accept your decision, not that I don't want you to go, but I wish we'd spent a little more time together before you left. Mostly because there have been too many things left unspoken between us.
Of all the things I've wanted to say to you, the most important thing that I think you should know is that I'm sorry. For all your Dad issues. For all your insecurities regarding men. For all the things when you should have had someone to listen to you as a child/adolescent. For not making you feel like you deserve to be held & heard as a daughter.
I know I've never been close to being an okay father and I definitely didn't even seem to be trying. But seeing you hurt so much that you just had to leave yr family to be somewhere else definitely tells me I should have done better.
When you were pregnant, you didn't come to me. Obviously you didn't feel like you could confide in me. That's one time I failed.
When you had a miscarriage, you didn't tell me. Failed again.
You went to have yr uterus evacuated at my workplace. You didn't tell me. Obviously, you didn't think you could trust me. That alone shows how much I've failed to be yr father.
I do hope you'll find your inner peace and happiness wherever you decide to go. And no matter where you'll be, I do hope you'll know that there will always be people here who care about you and love you. And I do hope you'll realise that I am one of those people.
I showed it to the people I trust, and of course they asked me how I feel. One asked why I cried, and what about it made me feel sad. I think there is some truth in that most people don't want to move far away from their families, and there must be something not quite right with my situation that I yearn to move very far away from mine (although, don't get me wrong, there is also the shiteously controlling government who hold my 25k SGD/18k USD in an account that I can only spend on governmental housing, and which goes to complete waste if I decide I don't want to live in Singapore, which I don't --- plus I think it's this account that probably holds a lot of people back from moving elsewhere, because they don't want to burn their money?). I also feel a lot more things than sad. I thought, it's a bit late, that he writes all this because I'm making a major move to leave the country. On the other hand, I also finally feel extremely validated at the text, because, hey all those decades of suffering were not made up in my head, yes they were caused by some inconsiderate actions made by either my mother or father. I am exhausted. I haven't replied to the text, but I do intend to, once I have processed everything. My next therapy session is in six days, which means I have all the time to think about this before I offload it to my therapist.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018


So I went to therapy and had a really good, very productive session. I told her something that so far, I've only told the men I've known, as well as my three best friends. It's the one thing I've never really explicitly said here (although you can glean it from bits and pieces and even later in this post), so I suppose, I do have some notion of private boundaries, huh. I will miss my therapist, but my real personal growth will start when I'm out of my comfort zone and I take my adulthood in my own hands. I could talk about the book I'm reading, the movies I've seen, but at the moment I just want to bask in the silliness that's Adam and I. I will be seeing him, for the first time, in less than a month, so when that time comes, you might be able to see him and I being stupid together in the same photos, but until then, here are our words.
Adam: Nah I do stupid shit if I really like someone lol

Sarah: Great

Adam: Like oh we've dated for a month and you're going abroad for a year? Fuck it let's do it

Sarah: That
Sarah: Is my case

Adam: Lol
Adam: Great

Sarah: For why you're curious

Adam: Oh

Sarah: No i hadn't finished
Sarah: Again never have

Adam: Why you're the same way

Sarah: Hehehe

Adam: that rocked

Sarah: I love you

Adam: I can't wait to tell u I love u to ur dang FACE
Adam: anyway yr the same as what I just described bb

Sarah: Yeah we are both curious creatures

Adam: I guess

Sarah: Ahhhhh

Adam: Or very simple

Sarah: I can't wait for irl I love yous
Sarah: Eeeeeeeee

Adam: Weeeeeee
Adam: Wahoooooo

Sarah: Ah
Sarah: So stoked

Adam: This months gonna be hard lol
Adam: Everyday will be like AHHHH

Sarah: Hehehe
Sarah: I love you so much
Sarah: Which crazy person would AHHHHH all the time wimme

Adam: I'm not nuts lol neither are you

Sarah: I know i don't mean like crazy
Sarah: But crazy!!!!

Adam: Crazy for u yes

Sarah: God
Sarah: You make me smile JEEEEZ STOP

Adam: Hahahaha
Adam: Sorry bb
Adam: We are not abnormal ppl

Sarah: Nope we are not

Adam: I think we both have very good heads on our shoulders and it's crazy lucky we found each other
Adam: But the idea we are both nuts or something I think discredits the great work we've put into ourselves in the past year
Adam: Like last year, sure, both nuts
Adam: Now we got this

Sarah: No i don't mean we're both crazy like in a mental health way at all, i just mean it rlly does feel so crazy that we have such feels without having met, like i think there would definitely still be lots of people who find out our situation and go like, yall nuts

Adam: Hahahaha
Adam: Okay fair
Adam: That is true

Sarah: Mwah
Sarah: So close bb

Adam: Mwwwah
I haven't settled my apartment, because I'm trying to work out a balance between living close enough to Adam, affording a nice place, and being in a safe area of Brooklyn. Adam lives in a better area, but obviously he's a white man who's grown up in New York all his life, and he can afford it, but me, not so much. I've seen some pretty decent places with very affordable rent, but Adam says they're in high-crime areas and also far from him. So we'll see. It's almost November, and a month is about the ideal timeframe to look into a new place to move to, according to him.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018


Last night, I formally told my mom about my plans to move, although I'd guessed and heard that she already knew. It didn't go well. She brought up LA, and the fact that I betrayed her trust by getting pregnant, and I hurt her as a parent. She asked why I think she doesn't show her love for me, when she's willing to die or kill anyone who hurts me, and I told her she was being dramatic. I said she has these fantasies of her idea of protecting me when all I need from her as love is to give me space, and she can't and won't even do that. I reminded her that the betrayal of trust actually happened in the form of her finding out about my miscarriage by opening my private hospital bill. To date, she insists that she had an instinct, that her god wanted her to find out and so she opened it. I snapped at her to take responsibility and own her own decisions, that she had chosen to betray my trust and my rights as an adult, by opening my bill. Also, just because I got pregnant in LA in no way means it was the only time I was sexually active, obviously, she's living in denial and I'm sick of it. My cortisol levels are through the roof, I don't sleep well, and I'm constantly on edge. I've been in a toxic relationship for so long that I keep second-guessing everything else, sometimes I talk to Adam and I wonder if he's being manipulative, and I'm wary of all the people I talk to, because I have internalised all the toxicity and now my head and heart think that everybody is nice to me on the condition of gaining something from me. I have a headache. This is unhealthy. I read a quote recently, "if you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed over people who never cut you" and I Need to remember it and remind myself of it. I'm out of here.

Thursday, October 18, 2018


I've now been to two therapy sessions with my current therapist at JCU. The first two sessions were for her to get to know me, so I talked about the whole mess that my life has been -- the parents, the dating, the school, the everything. My therapist read my blog and saw my tatt and she likes it! She said her partner was getting a tattoo at an apparently famous tattoo studio in New York, called Bang Bang (where JBiebs and Riri get their tatts done), and my therapist was also tempted to get one, but she didn't. She used to be a model so she hasn't got any tatts yet. She's a model turned therapist! I am in awe!

She asked me what activities I used to do in school, so I said I debated in polytechnic. I said that changed my life, because after debates, I never stopped questioning everything and not taking things as they are. She said that was what made me different, her clientele are mostly local Singaporeans, and she says she doesn't usually see the streak of questioning whether something is the best for them, like there is in me. I still think I would be a much happier person if I didn't question the status quo, but again, I guess the fact that I don't accept the status quo perhaps also means the happiness I would attain for myself is a much higher level of happiness than I have staying here. I told her of my plans to move, so if we do keep up with one session a week, I will have gotten eight sessions with her, for some course of therapy, before I leave.

We talked about LA, she also loves LA, and I knew instantly that we would click. We also talked about New York and my move. She asked me about my book, and I said I wanted it to be sci-fi, and she asked if I watched Black Mirror, which is obviously one of my favorite TV shows ever, and we talked about our favorite episodes and Jesus, I felt it was love at first therapy session. In my second session, she asked me to talk about the relationships or men I'd dated that I found most significant. I talked about my second boyfriend, the one who was the president of the debates club while I was vice-president, my best friend for three years with whom I was really happy. I also talked about Graysonuvabitch, who somehow cheated on his fiancée with me, 'cos I am so naive. I told her that really gave me trust issues, because I'd told him I hated my dad cheating, but he manipulated me with the things I'd told him instead. We talked so easily, like we were friends, that when she next checked her phone, she said "how has it been an hour?" which was how I felt too, like, what, my time is up???!?!!

After I left my second session, hours later when I was alone again, I thought, I didn't think about the man who knocked me up at all during my therapy session. I didn't think to mention him nor did he even cross my mind. Then I realised, even though it was a cog in the system, that put the past two years in motion, that led me to here, the person himself was not actually a character that mattered, it could have been replaced with anyone else to do the deed, and it would have done the same thing.

This past week, Adam and I talked about tattoos, and cumming, and birth control. We both agreed that birth control has traditionally been more for the ladies because the people in charge are men who are trash and would create birth control only for women, until only recently. He says he wouldn't mind checking out birth control for men if it existed, so we went to read up on some clinical trials. We also talked about Haruki Murakami, and how we disagree whether Murakami is a good writer (I say no, he says yes), and The Unbearable Lightness of Being --- I said I was scared, because I don't think you could ever really love someone without being scared, of course, right? When I say we talked about, I mean he and I talk at length about everything and I would put everything here just so it stays better in my memory, but you'd never stop reading what we talk about, because we never stop talking about pretty much anything.

This morning, Adam asked me about a shirt he wanted to get, and I realised, even when it is a mundane everyday topic like whether he should get a shirt, I love that he considers my opinion. I look forward to strolling around and deciding the mundane shit, like what to eat or whether I should cut my hair back into bangs or leave it long. I think this is the kind of thing that happens in most relationships, and I hope you find someone you love, who loves you back, so you can talk about all the mundane, run-of-the-mill things, and still be entertained and invested in it. I've been waking up anytime between 1am and 5am, sometimes because I receive emails from Lush NY, or my soon-to-be Brooklyn roomie, and the little phone notifications wake me. I've always had trouble sleeping alone, and perhaps there will be a solution to this in time to come. Adam has a thing about Ben, although I have dated other men since, because Ben also hails from Brooklyn. I have a thing about the Japanese, because Adam's ex was half-Japanese, and Adam and I watch this Japanese show called Terrace House (it is a really good show, considering!) and sometimes he says all these Japanese things and then I wonder if he's being reminded of his ex. Then I have to tell myself, his ex is not the only Japanese person in the world, and Japanese culture has existed long before she did, etc. It's strange, this kind of thing must happen in every relationship, and still, and still we all think much too much about it.

Anyway, he's down with a cold or flu thanks to the change of seasons and I just got my period, so I believe we have just been spending more time in our respective beds than anywhere else. Please remind me to pack Vitamin C and meds before I leave! I'm confused about whether to get what where (???), bc on the one hand 1SGD is 0.70USD which suxxxx for me, but otherwise, things can be pretty cheap in the US 'cos it's made there, whereas nothing is made in Singapore, not a single thing, so things here are expensive.
Adam: So should I get this shirt
Adam: Is it out of my lane

Sarah: Mmmmmm i really dk
Sarah: Your call to make

Adam: I need yr help
Adam: Will I impress u

Sarah: With that shirt? Lol Adam pls

Adam: What does that mean

Sarah: It means i dont need you to wear anyth to impress me, literally

Adam: Ugh
Adam: Will you think I'll look good in it!!!

Sarah: I think you look good in anything
Sarah: I like ur face

Adam: Aghhhh
Adam: Helppppp

Sarah: About that shirt?

Adam: Yes
Adam: Also u said I wouldn't look good in yellow
Adam: So u have SOME takes

Sarah: I think dont get it lol, rlly, unless you have somewhere to wear it to, like a particular look you're going for
Sarah: Oh yeah....
Sarah: Tru
Sarah: Like uh....
Sarah: To reduce waste, i've stopped buying New new things, like i buy secondhand or thrift or clothes swap
Sarah: So generally if i see online sales i dont indulge
Sarah: But thats me

Adam: I never buy any clothes lol so I think I'd live with that guilt

Sarah: Ok i feel like you want this
Sarah: Get it

Adam: You're not wrong but I've made fashion choices I disagree with
Adam: For myself

Sarah: How does that even work

Adam: I've bought sweatshirts I thought looked cool then was like lol this is trash

Sarah: Hahaha
Sarah: I think if you rlly like the shirt you should get it

Adam: Ok
Adam: Black grey blue or red

Sarah: Which do you like most on yourself

Adam: U

Sarah: I am not a color but if i were i would be pink or yellow neither of which you would like lol

Adam: Damn
Adam: Tru
Adam: I mean I already own a lot of black clothes
Adam: And light blue/dark blue
Adam: So they all look good on me but a pop of color might be nice too

Sarah: Ok

Adam: Imma go red

Sarah: Ok
Sarah: Can i see the red photo

Adam: (photo)

Sarah: Mmm

Adam: Got it already so only supportive commentary pls

Sarah: Hahahahahahahaha
Sarah: I love you
Sarah: Is that supportive enough

Adam: Not rly

Sarah: W h a t

Adam: It is not about my purchase!!!

Sarah: I told you it doesnt matter to me tho, i just said get it if you want, and you did, which is gr8!

Adam: Urgh

Sarah: Anyway when it arrives and you see how it looks on you then u can finally know how good the purchase is
Sarah: Not now

Adam: Tru
Adam: So wise

Sarah: Ofc
Sarah: It is my one year of experience i have on you

Adam: Tru
Adam: I mean
Adam: Hopefully you'll get a full year of experience
Adam: On
Adam: Me

Sarah: I didnt mean my one year experience of you
Sarah: I meant im a year older
Sarah: Lol
Also, my ex-schoolmate and friend Zahidah sent me a text saying she was glad I was seeking help, and it really made my day. I think it really helps when people encourage me to seek help, because it means they believe I can get better, and I really do want to get better and feel better.

Sunday, October 07, 2018


So here are the things Adam and I have planned, whether it's because either one of us hasn't seen it, or it's just something we wanna rewatch together: Chopped, Phantom Thread, The Good Place, Her, Queer Eye, The Princess Bride, and La La Land. We're also gonna go record-shopping and I'm supposed to read his copy of White Teeth by Zadie Smith.

This is one of the few SFW photos I have of him, with all his bad-angle-double-chin glory. I've been recently moving a lot of media from him to my phone's secure folder, and if you don't know what that means, stay precious, bbs. (I most definitely have a thing for white men with boyish faces, jesus.)

We have conversations that range from this —
Adam: Brie Larson is only 29
Adam: Thought she was like mid 30s
Adam: I have a chance

Sarah: Ok go!!!!
Sarah: Does she live in NY?

Adam: Thanks!
Adam: I'm pretty sure LA
Adam: cuz she's Hollywood

Sarah: Ok you just gotta move cross country
Sarah: Super doable

Adam: No problemo!
Adam: If you can move across the world I can move across the country
Adam: U inspired me

Sarah: Wowzers

Adam: Thanks!

Sarah: >:(

Adam: Hehehehe

Sarah: Dont you dare move to LA if i move to NY
Sarah: Dont you D A R E

Adam: Hehehehehehehe
Adam: It would be pretty funny tho

Sarah: It would not

Adam: But I won't of course lol
Adam: "Sarah I'm very glad you've come but I am moving to Los Angeles to try to hit on Brie Larson"
to this —
Adam: Basically the Republican half of our country is an intensely cruel governing body that only cares about flaunting their power at the expense of the country

Sarah: I know, i see that

Adam: They don't give a shit about anything except beating the left

Sarah: I'm sorry for it
Sarah: How bad is the decision though? Like does it mean really bad things for the future? I'm sorry, i really don't know what the decision entails and what he's in control of

Adam: Ok
Adam: So
Adam: The Supreme Court of the US is supposed to be a panel of judges which arbitrate on the highest cases in the country

Sarah: Ok i see now
Sarah: The potential

Adam: They are appointed lifetime positions
Adam: It's a miserable system that is being abused
Adam: So Kavanaugh is like fifty
Adam: And a lifetime appt for him means a sexual assaulting far right lunatic on a team of nine for like thirty years

Sarah: Who else is on the panel? Did they also vote him in? Are they similar people or do they get veto votes?

Adam: The judges are nominated by the president and ratified by the senate
Adam: When trump nominated Kavanaugh it sucked but what really sucks is he wasn't even a part of his confirmation process
Adam: After the sexual assault allegations and the temper tantrum Kavanaugh threw in the hearings
Adam: The Senate STILL will confirm him because it's majority Republican right now
Adam: Right now, with Kavanaugh, there are five right leaning judges and four left
Adam: So things like legal abortion in the US are at stake

Sarah: I see
Sarah: It's so strange how America is

Adam: Oh we suck an entire ass

Sarah: The left are such far left, and the right are so far right, like yall are polar opposites and no one has any chill

Adam: Republicans destroyed that during Obama

Sarah: The middle ground?

Adam: Obama tried really hard to be centrist and republicans just kept moving the goalposts further away
Adam: And wouldn't cave on anything to him
Adam: When Obama nominated a judge
Adam: A centrist judge
Adam: They refused to hold a hearing for him

Sarah: Refused?

Adam: Yes

Sarah: Isn't it like the law

Adam: Yr starting to see the issue now

Sarah: Omg

Adam: They claimed it was an election year so it was unfair
Adam: To appoint a judge of a president on the way out
Adam: Which flew in the face of the entire history of the country
Adam: Election year appointees have happened multiple times in American history

Sarah: I would imagine and believe, because their excuse is ridiculous

Adam: So then Hillary lost and trump put in a judge that no one gave a shit about
Adam: And now it's Kavanaugh which has been an entire national disgrace

Sarah: It is, huh
Sarah: I'm sorry
Sarah: For women, people of color, liberal white people etc

Adam: Yeah
Adam: The existential despair this imparts
Adam: Is reeeeeeeally heavy
So I was supposed to see my therapist on Wednesday, but she was on sick leave because the universe just apparently does not want me to stay here because my mental health is at stake. I went to see a sunflower exhibition instead. I guess I love sunflowers so much and they brighten my mood up it might have replaced a therapy session successfully, this once.

This week has also been one of the longest work weeks I've had in my life. We held Singapore's very first Lush showcase which I think, by any standards, was a great success!

I've never used Craigslist because it seems dodgy but I'm looking for apartments and need it to be cheap, and when living in America, do as Americans do, I suppose? I'm gonna go catch up on some sleep, but have a great sunny week ahead, y'alls.

Monday, October 01, 2018


Last week was an immensely long week for me, as is the one ahead of us. On Wednesday, after having gone for laser tag, I came home at midnight, and my mother and I had a meltdown with each other. She basically cornered me into saying that I was okay with "sleeping around" and somehow loaded each sentence to make it seem like being this liberal non-believing adult was the wrong thing to do, and I also cornered her to admit that I would never be a good daughter to her unless I was the Muslim daughter that she wants. We did this and cried and raised our voices, till 3am, while I was naked, because she'd entered my room while I was washing up after laser tag with my friends from the store. Friday morning, my mother and I had breakfast together, we went to CBTL and it was the first time I was having a meal alone with her since 2016. We talked about work, our colleagues and friends, the rest of my sisters and family members. She agreed to go for at least one session of therapy with me, although again, it all started with her being skeptical about it, and why I couldn't seek peace with God instead. My JCU psych has been calling me regularly, to find out how stable I've been. I was supposed to be on the waitlist, but she was so worried about me, she had a cancellation this week and my first session with her is on Wednesday! I cannot wait! We can have a wager on whether I cry. I met Han for steak on Saturday evening, and I formally told her about Adam. She said the white guys I've liked have all looked very different, so I was like ???? I don't know which photos she's seen of Adam, but again I have to consider that people who exist in my life all keep tabs on me just in case I do something reckless (or they just like being entertained), and that's how everyone seems to know everyone else. If you see a writing prompt anywhere that you think I would be interested in, please pass it on to me. I want to practise my writing. My colleagues have a task for me to come up with a "very strong story" for a photo essay to be posted over Christmas, and I'm like, whoa, no pressure there. Adam says (verbatim), he thinks my story would do very well with American audiences, like just from a marketing standpoint, the story of a woman from a formerly colonized part of Asia with intense life experiences longing for a better life outside of the sheltered upbringing with difficult parents, has a lot of potential. My best friend Han also says I should just write a book. No pressure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who wants to pay for my time off work?????? :D

Thursday, September 27, 2018


all the shine of a thousand spotlights all the stars we steal from the night sky Like every family, this one has siblings that don't always get along, parents that may not know everything but are always trying and learning, good days and bad days and days where everything is completely off (although mostly, off days are gr8). Unlike some families, though, this one is progressive, and they accept you through changes and mental health issues, and see you not just for what you portray yourself to be, but for what you can become. At the heart of our family, we all want to do better for the people we know, the animals we care for and the planet we live on, at the heart of this family is a lot of heart, and I love them. We usually smell good too. (Also: I would like to thank the Academy and all my friends who voted me Best Dressed — I know it doesn't show on a daily basis but besides books and words, I do love fashion and clothes and I wish the industry were much more sustainable but in any case, y'all made a girl's dreams cum true!!!!!) #Lush #LushSG #LushVivocity #family #love
A post shared by Sarah Mei Lyana (@sarahmeilyana) on

Tuesday, September 25, 2018


I've been wanting to express the things I like about Adam, after he said he liked my "challenging and curious and combative and sweet with a big heart" attitude towards things. I can't really quite describe it though, you know, feelings are strange and you can never explain them. I saw a photo with the caption "my heart has chosen you, and I follow my heart" and I guess that's what it is, as cheesy and maudlin as it may be. It's like when I make the weirdest decisions that are not the healthiest and I tell him, and he doesn't judge me, and I feel safe. Or it's when I say white people are the worst, all he does is agree, instead of calling it "reverse racism". Or it's when he's doing well for himself and I feel really happy for him, or conversely when he isn't, and I feel heavy about it as well. I love that he's honest with his feelings. I really like that he goes to therapy because I know as people, we're all inert and resistant to change, especially within ourselves, but I love how he's willing to work on his issues, etc. He said he's keeping his emotional distance from me because it hurts that he loves a person he can't be with due to the physical distance between us, and when I read it, my heart simultaneously felt like it was beaming and expanding but also squeezed and tight. I don't know what's going to happen with us, if we will ever get together, but I do love Adam, and there are a thousand reasons why I do, and probably a thousand reasons why I shouldn't. As they say, you like because of, and you love in spite of. In spite of the distance, the evidence overwhelmingly suggests that I love him. Ugh.

Friday, September 21, 2018


Sarah: Adam ernest downer i swear i will punch you

Adam: You'd have to come visit to do so :)

Sarah: Yes and then we will be kissing and i will punch you out of nowhere and you'll be angry at me
Sarah: And then i will feel the matter resolved

Adam: And then I'll throw u down

Sarah: You cant, i will do this at the airport

Adam: You know
Adam: Fair

Sarah: Always
Sarah: I love you
Sarah: Stupid

Adam: I love u too kid
Adam: And I am stupid

Sarah: Yeah prolly why i fell so deeply for you
Sarah: *eyeroll*

Adam: Lol

Sarah: The woes of attraction

Adam: I like ur attitude towards things
Adam: Rly

Sarah: What attitude

Adam: Challenging and curious and combative and sweet with a big heart

Sarah: I love you
Sarah: You're silly and make me smile and i dont have the words for you yet cos im busy smiling

Adam: Hehehe
Adam: I was thinking about it today
Adam: Like what qualities I like in u
Adam: And I can't find in other ppl
Adam: U got spunk kid

Wednesday, September 19, 2018


So, a lot has happened since my last post, and I will try to place them in linear chronological order so you might be able to follow my thought process in the past, I dunno what, five days?

The day after it was posted, Luca (who happens to be British), the last guy I dated, said to me in a text: "just to offer a non-Singaporean perspective, a doctor here told me that they very rarely prescribe SSRIs to locals and also seemed to think that medication could be a hindrance to therapy. I think that Singapore is lagging behind in this respect."

Of course I'd already known that, but he was sweet though, and I appreciate it. I know pills aren't a surefire method, but the people here are still very resistant to the idea of medicating for mental health. It's like, if you thought sex was taboo here, I think they shudder at taking pills for mental health.

I think it's even worse in religious communities, where of course, anything you think or feel is usually pinned on you, for not being "close to God", because to them, God is the solution to anything and everything. I just feel like it's a double jeopardy situation, where my mental health is closely linked to my familial bonds, but even when I know I'm doing poorly and want to seek help, I can't find the moral support to treat it, medically.

I don't know if my manager Aileen read my post, but she could see on Instagram that I hadn't had a stable week, so she texted me too.
Aileen: Hi Sarah
Aileen: I hope you're feeling better
Aileen: With whatever you're dealing with
Aileen: I'm here if you need me to listen
Aileen: Even after three months
Aileen: But I just wanted to say thank you. You have a good heart. You're a good person, thank you for supporting our team. Your presence makes me calm and happy.
Aileen: Thank you Sarah. Thank you for being part of the best team I can ever ask for
We have a joke between us because the last time she had a personal story to tell me, we somehow never got to sitting down and talking until three months after I first asked her about it. I love Aileen, she is the best manager you could ask for, she's usually calm and composed and encouraging and so very accepting.

The team has been nothing short of amazing. I don't know if I gravitated towards Lush because it's a campaigning company, and we are one of the very few companies in Singapore that are openly accepting towards hiring the LGBTQIA+ community, etc.

Sometime on Saturday, I was like, this is it, I can't stay in Singapore, this is not the place for me, so I tried to open a Chase savings account so that less money I earn would be contributed to this goddamn stupid dictatorial Singapore economy. I obviously needed a social security number, but I don't have one unless and until I get my working visa, yadda yadda yadda.

I think if I apply for Lush in the US, I might wanna try to do manufacturing. We don't have a manu team in Singapore, 'cos we don't have a Lush factory here. I think it might be fun to make the products, instead of selling them in retail, I dunno. I think retail staff really do God's work, facing people all the time.

Viv then told me about a friend of hers who'd also received similar treatment (or lack thereof) at the Institute of Mental Health, who'd received much better treatment from JCU's psych office, and whose case would be expedited even with a waitlist, based on the same details she'd provided. I emailed JCU psych, and they called back within two days.

I told her my story over the phone, my tendencies for suicidal ideation, that I veer very easily between being okay, and my depressive moods, and the fact that sometimes I'm okay makes it very hard to catch me suddenly drop in moods for no reason. She was very worried, and she says she would also try to expedite my appointment, even though there definitely is a waitlist.

(I infer from the fact that there is a high demand/long waitlist at JCU's psych, that either the psychiatrists/therapists available in Singapore are not providing satisfactory services, too expensive, or there aren't enough psych resources, and also there must be more people who have mental health issues than you'd think there are.)

Between the last post and this one, one of the aunts I'm closer to, also checked in on me and told me I could talk to her if I ever needed or wanted to, as well as my real dad. My dad asked if I was still seeing a therapist, and whether I paid for it myself.

On Monday night, around midnight, my mother texted me that she loved me, so I texted her back that I loved her too. And then, I'm not sure how or why it transpired, I don't know if someone else had clued her in to my dispositions, or she just felt like it, but at 1.14am, she said "please forgive me if i haven't been a good mother" and I started bawling insanely, just by myself in my own room.

It reminded me of some pages I'd read in Educated: A Memoir (because of course I am one of the biggest perusers of books I know of in person).
There was a pause, then more words appeared—words I hadn't known I needed to hear, but once I saw them, I realized I'd been searching my whole life for them.

You were my child. I should have protected you.

I lived a lifetime in the moment I read those lines, a life that was not the one I had actually lived. I became a different person, who remembered a different childhood. I didn't understand the magic of those words then, and I don't understand it now. I know only this: that when my mother told me that she had not been the mother to me that she wished she'd been, she became that mother for the first time.
The thing is, I haven't actually had the time nor chance to see nor talk to my mom since that text, so I don't know what the text meant for the both of us. From the anecdote above, I also know that sometimes words are spoken but nothing changes, so I honestly don't know what it will entail. I want to believe it's a major breakthrough, and I hope it is, I hope perhaps that she and I could even go to some therapy sessions together.

That night, while sobbing, I told Adam what my mom had said, and also that there was a major blackout that affected a few neighbourhoods in Singapore. It was a strange night, because power outages rarely ever happen, and it was the night my mother apologised to me. I felt very out of sorts, and this was the conversation that followed (after he had given me some proper advice on how to navigate the situation with my mom).
Sarah: Omg help how does one stop crying i have forgotten

Adam: Imagine a big penis
Adam: That's my advice for most situations

Sarah: What if the situation is to forget big penises?

Adam: Imagine a big vagina
Adam: Like comically large

Sarah: Ew

Adam: You could walk inside and warm up

Sarah: Hahahahhaahhahah ew

Adam: Is this helping

Sarah: Yes i guess ergh
Sarah: Thank you for being a friend

Adam: Travel down the road and back again
Adam: Yr heart is true
Adam: Yr a pal and a confidant

Sarah: I'm sorry i don't think i know the reference

Adam: Golden girls
Adam: Theme song

Sarah: Ah damn i wish we'd had that, the gifs are always so good
Sarah: I will now know you as an old, sexy grandma

Adam: This is accurate

Sarah: I'm amazed
Sarah: I was under the impression you had a -how did you put it- big penis
Sarah: I scrolled up to see if you said big or large lol

Adam: I didn't say imagine my penis
Adam: Though i have a nice penis
Adam: Anyway I have sexy grandma energy
Adam: Plus the penis

Sarah: Perhaps the penis helped contribute to SGE

Adam: The golden girls definitely have big dick energy

Sarah: I think one of the things i read did place all of them as having it so
Sarah: Did you write that

Adam: No

Sarah: Strangely enough by some measure of Providence the entire street of blocks of apartments have lost power and i can hear the rest of my family discussing it in the living room while im trying to breathe normally in my room
Sarah: I mean, this never happens but then tonight my mother apologises and voila

Adam: What my big dick
Adam: Oh
Adam: Damn it's late

Sarah: What the heck was "what my big dick" even in response to

Adam: You said they were "discussing it"
Adam: And we were talking about penises and BDE and SGE
Adam: Just a little goof

Sarah: I said they were discussing the outage, i distinctly referred to it in the clause directly before
Sarah: I know you know
Sarah: Why do i even bother
Sarah: You just troll me anyway

Adam: Because I'm so fun

Sarah: You're not fun, not as i know you anyway, but you have deffo been a good friend

Adam: I'm not fun?!?!?

Sarah: No lol

Adam: Wtf

Sarah: You're like.... "dont do coke i just did it and i wanna cry oh wait i did cry dont ever do it"

Adam: Yes that's true
Adam: Coke is not fun lol

Sarah: Not what everyone says

Adam: Were I doing coke then I would be not fun
Adam: You don't even know
Adam: Ugh

Sarah: Well if you were fun you'd let me try it to know for myself, but you act like my mom, deciding for me

Adam: I'm offering my advice
Adam: I'm not stopping you lol

Sarah: I did say you're a good friend



Adam: Aw
Adam: Kiki
Adam: Do u love me
Adam: Would you poopee

Sarah: I heard that was a diss track
Sarah: ???

Adam: Would u peepee
Adam: Idk
Adam: Idc
Adam: Drake sucks ass

Sarah: Whose tho
Sarah: Is the question

Adam: Some 18 year olds

Sarah: Ok

Adam: That isn't a lie
Adam: He's dating a child

Sarah: Never said it was

Adam: He stinks

Sarah: Why? Like his music you mean? Okay don't listen to him and don't quote his songs anymore
Sarah: Solved

Adam: Culture insists I have an opinion on him

Sarah: You have culture? The white man who insists on calling girls "my dude"?
Sarah: S c o f f

Adam: I'm saying the culture at large
Adam: Insists I have an opinion on Drake by shoving him in my face and earholes all the time

Sarah: Your earholes that you have your headphones on and choose what they get to listen to

Adam: Not if I'm like
Adam: Just outside
Adam: And a car passes by
Adam: Or I'm in a pharmacy
Adam: And I have to hear KIKI
Adam: or whatever

Sarah: I guess
Sarah: I'll let you win this one
Sarah: Because you're a white boy not accustomed to losing

Adam: Boooooo

Sarah: I literally just let you win?????

Adam: And were like "but yr White so hmph"
Adam: So now I feel bad
Adam: For being right

Sarah: Oh I'm sorry, master coloniser superior to all other races, what would you have me say instead?

Adam: Not bring it up in a conversation where it's completely irrelevant lol
Adam: You can call me master tho
Adam: ;)

Sarah: Oh damn are you... touchy about my white jokes? Also.... you always bring up humor where its completely irrelevant but of course when the irrelevant topic is your white race, it's touchy and cant be done
Sarah: Womp womp
Sarah: I lose at this

Adam: I tease
Adam: U can give it to me all u want I can take it
Adam: You know what sucks

Sarah: What now, did someone blast Drake

Adam: I really enjoy talking to you whenever we do and then I remember there's a good chance we'll never meet irl

Sarah: What sucks about that?

Adam: Is it... not obvious?

Sarah: I'm really? Not sure??

Adam: Wot u thick m8
Adam: Touched in the head innit?

Sarah: What even, see, suddenly you're bringing in british humor and i'm like, where did that come from

Adam: Lol
Adam: I wanna hang irl!!!!

Sarah: Whatever for! Istg im not this cool (ahahahahahahHhahaha im not even cool in text) irl

Adam: Cuz I like talking to you you idiot

Sarah: Well good because we're friends!

Adam: Yeah and friends hang out like
Adam: Sometimes

Sarah: Iirc you don't even live close to your best friends irl

Adam: I don't and that sucks too

Sarah: *pats your hair
Sarah: There, there
Sarah: Life sucks and then you die

Adam: Lmao
Adam: Idk I appreciate our convos is all I'm saying

Sarah: I also said i love you lol so i guess that also means tt i appreciate our convos thx m8

Adam: And it makes me sad we can't be together sometimes

Sarah: Same

Adam: So don't be thick with me m8
Adam: U get it too

Sarah: Whenever i think i'm sad then i think you said we wouldn't even be a good couple irl
Sarah: Then i'm like fine, he's right
Sarah: He's white, must be right ;)

Adam: Lmao
Adam: I think I said that cuz we were both sobbing constantly about each other at the time

Sarah: No wait my hand to a Bible (idk why, i neither believe in God nor care about a Bible) i'm sure when you said it, like a couple of months afterwards you really had some arguments there lol
Sarah: Like you were not crying

Adam: Well
Adam: Whatever
Adam: Idk I like what we have now as an online friendship
Adam: Cuz before things were gettin way too heavy and frustrating
Adam: But it does make me sad sometimes that we get along real good and can't hang

Sarah: Samesies

Adam: So there

Sarah: Here?

Adam: I value and appreciate u, don't die

Sarah: Omg
Sarah: That had better not be an elaborate ploy to get me to stay alive

Adam: Christ lol

Sarah: Tbh i have mental health issues i tend to have weird suspicions
Sarah: Don't Christ lol me

Adam: I'll christ lol u all night long gurl

Sarah: It's so weird
Sarah: It's been a year and i haven't found anyone i like as much as you
Sarah: Mental, this

Adam: Proper shite

Sarah: Bollocks

Adam: Bloody 'ell harry

Sarah: Yer a wizard!
Sarah: Also if it's 'ell, it's 'arry! Bloody hell adam

Adam: Sorry I'm not as familiar with the English as u

Sarah: Oh yeah i'm sorry i forgot you're more familiar with the Japanese
A summary: A year ago, it was the Lush staff party, and I told Adam I loved him for the first time, and he said it back, and tonight was the staff party again, and lo and behold, I somehow still love him. I like him very much as a person and friend, and the chemistry between us is so easy, it's stupid. I like that he's attuned to his feelings for a white man his age (one year younger than I am, a fact he's stupidly fond of, for some reason).

A year ago, we were both still coming to terms with ourselves, I think I was still in denial about the gravity of the shite I'd gotten myself into, and he was still reeling from his break-up with his hafu Japanese ex of three years (can you hear my saltiness? ahahahahaha I dunno why, I'm sure she's lovely, I don't even know her --- oh wait she broke up with him close to his birthday, who does that? also she's reallllly pretty, good on her lololol may I just remind myself that dating is not a competition).

I have half a mind to spend my last vacation weeks of the year in New York City and like, suss out the city that I think I want to live in, and finally meet Adam properly, not just by video call or whatever, but like, what if we both really fall in love with each other? And then what?

Thursday, September 13, 2018


On a very bad night, after I am done crying, I write letters. I tell my grandma I no longer believe in a god, or heaven or hell, so she does not have to worry, I will not be in pain or suffering nor face any punishment. All I will be is gone. I tell my sister she can have my meagre worldly possessions, and I hope she appreciates the number of inside jokes I have included. I hope she remembers me by my jokes and all the things I did to make them laugh, even though I know she would be very angry at the onset. I write letters to tell everyone that nobody is to blame. My mother is not to blame. My father is not to blame. None of the men I have ever dated is to blame. Nobody is at fault. My brain is not wired the same way, that is all. It is so strange that for the only things in the universe that can try to make any sense of the universe, sometimes brains themselves just make very little sense. I have tried, and I can make not much sense of why my brain does this. Logically and factually, I know that I have nothing to be depressed about. I am an attractive person, people are always telling me to be a model or a flight attendant or one of those things. I also have brains, I use them most of the time, I have the capacity to change my life, day by day. I am also the person who throws her head back and laughs fully, I let things slide at work, I am witty and naughty and I tease and am able to play. But sometimes, it doesn't want to. Sometimes, when it's at its lowest, all it feels is that regardless how many people are next to me, or holding me, they will never be able to alleviate the dread I feel, the pointlessness of it all. I am scared of becoming Sylvia Plath or Virginia Woolf, writing often of their depression and simply dragging it on until one day they gather enough courage to end. I write and write and I hope that this pain doesn't spill over, I hope everyone who's directly related to me in my life doesn't think, oh it was something I missed, we should have done something more --- there was nothing to be caught. We all know I have depression, and nobody could have done anything more. I hope my best friends and all my loved ones forgive me, and forgive themselves, for everything. If there is one thing my words could do, I hope it is to convince everyone that I have always loved them, but sometimes I honestly can't say any of this is worth it. This is what I feel on my worst nights.