Tuesday, March 12, 2019


Today I'm having a messy hair day. I washed my hair and it's drying into a big, all-over-the-place nest. On my way to work it reminded me of another day I'd looked like this, and I was honestly looking a trashy mess. A guy approached me in the train, gave me his namecard and asked me to text him because he wanted to take me to dinner. This had and has never happened to me in Singapore, before nor since. I took a chance and went out with him. He's an investment banker with CreditSuisse, I looked him up on LinkedIn and stuff and he's legit. I couldn't tell what his ethnicity was, neither from his name nor from his looks. Dinner was alright, but I could tell I wouldn't want to see him again, but he was so insistent on us meeting a second time, it was so scary. I remember feeling really pressed to get away in a cab. Since that night, I've felt that people who have money are scary. They think money can do anything and that they can get whatever they want. This was two years ago. I'd blocked his number on my old iPhone but when I changed phones last year, the blocking didn't stick and I found him trying to call me on multiple platforms again. All this to say, the world makes no sense. I wish that technology in one of the Black Mirror episodes exists, the one where you can block people from your actual sight. Is that the White Christmas ep? I think so.


One of the things that could give me an aneurysm is seeing support for Donald Trump as president. I was on his Instagram profile and there were thousands of comments saying he's been doing a good job. It makes me sick to know that so many people are such racist bigots. Yuck. I want to say I've never spoken to a Republican in person, but then I think if my family were there, what would they subscribe to? They would be immigrants so they might not be on Trump's camp, but they also love using patriarchal bullshit to control women's bodies, so. Trump and his supporters are so nasty I really feel ill. Or maybe it's the period taking effect.


One of the things I know I shouldn't do when I'm writing is overuse commas. I tend to do so because I type as I'm thinking, so I ramble in run-on sentences instead of using periods effectively, even when they're necessary. I notice it seems to be a reflection of the person I am in life, I just go on and on instead of pausing for breaks in between days and weeks and chapters. I will try to remedy both situations from this point on. My period app says my period is due in three days, and I'm probably going to jinx it (more like: my period is going to wreak havoc on my hormones and then my moods), but I'm feeling happy at the moment. I'm looking forward to future chapters in life, I'm feeling proud of myself for finally having learnt my own value and worth. I really think one of the toughest things I've had to do in life is learning real ways of how to love and be loved, because those lessons were absent in my foundational formative years -- a truth that can be verified because my sister Lyssa struggles with the same issues. Life is calm and fun and joyful, and I haven't had a man in it since January. That may not sound long to you, but as a serial dating addict, that's an accomplishment in my book. Small wins are still wins, and big wins are made of many small wins.