Tuesday, January 30, 2018

MEOWTH

I dreamt I was in NYC for a while and I called A, asking him to meet, and we did, and we liked each other, just like we do. Or like we did? I don’t know. I miss him. Take your time, Sarah, and let it be. If it will be, it will be. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Que sera, Sarah.

Also today I found out there is an Instagram account @lunchcosmetics that parodies Lush posts and it’s super cheesy-weird-lols but also delicious and I’m so here for this and this world is wild and I’m happy to be alive. I think I might be hungry.

Is it finally going to be February in twenty-four hours in Singapore? It is about friggin’ time. That’s been a long time coming. You know what else is a long time coming? Hmmmmmmm....

An even later edit: I just read some articles about Eden Ang being a sexual predator and he’s gone on to deny the claims and say that he’s been maligned, etc. Uh, nope, always knew he felt like an off character. Even when he was playing Moritz in Spring Awakening and Nicole had a sort of thing for him. What year was that? She was most definitely still in her teens and he was already douchey.

Geez, fuckbois of the world. Guess what? Time’s up. Thank goodness for receipts. “Call me daddy” motherfucker I don’t even call my own dad daddy, who dyou think you are pressuring a young girl like that l e l

PETTY

Last night, my real dad asked how I was, and how my uni applications were going. I answered honestly and lengthily but there was no response to my answer. Instead, he launched into a monologue about how the two other women who are the mothers to his four other kids are now almost like sisters. I felt more than a little annoyed, because I didn’t feel like he was concerned about me, he just wanted me to be interested in my four half-siblings. I’m so tired, the onus is really not on me to care because you fathered six kids and cannot care for all of them equally. Sometimes I wish I could be like Melyssa and not talk to him at all. It’s not that I’m not glad for the younger ones that he’s a better dad than he was when he raised me (not very well, if you can’t tell how I yearn for men’s approval) but the very least you could do is not pretend to be interested in my life. Jesus. At least my mum with her misplaced religious worries actually takes care of me and houses me in her apartment. I mean, really, I might share my father’s genes but there’s no freaking love lost there.

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I have a petite colleague, who was just a petite colleague, until recently she told me she’s been reading my Wordpress (technically this entire website is hosted on Blogger but same difference) and suddenly she became much more than just a petite colleague.

I have not much value to my name, nor in my life. I currently sell soap for money, which is quite frankly the basis of my job. I haven’t even got an educational degree, and I haven’t written or done anything worth talking about. I mean, apart from growing up into an atheist in a semi-religious family with one parent that had violence and rage issues who eventually left, and one parent who has misplaced ideas of love that likely trickled down to me, and circumnavigating sexual trauma and harassment just because of how I look, and perhaps dealing with my own miscarriage that left me completely unbalanced for a year or so, I have not done much at all.

If there is one thing I hope people see value in me for, I hope it is that you choose to love. The only thing certain in life is death and that everything will eventually end. If you’re lucky, you have at least another fifty years to go before the end of your life. I hope you love, even with the risk of loss and pain. Love, even if you know it will end. Love, even if it is difficult. Love, even if it leaves you mentally unfit for a period of your life. Love, and then let go. And then love again, and then let go again. Because the things you do for work, they could benefit people through their lives and perhaps beyond their lifetimes and your own lifetime, if you are perhaps a teacher or a doctor or whatever your profession may be, but when you love, you greatly enhance your own life, and that matters as much as anybody else’s life you want to help with.