Sunday, August 29, 2021


Yesterday, I went to the Value Village at the University Mall near my place. Value Village is a thrift store, and I was looking for a secondhand kettle and rice cooker. When I was cashing out, the girl at the cashier said she liked my skirt and asked me where it was from. I told her it was from Singapore, so she asked if I was going to uni and I said yes. We found out we're taking the same philosophy module this semester, and she said some of the reading materials for that course could be found right there, secondhand. I made my first friend, her name is Skyler! Cannot wait to see her again in school!!!!

I thrifted maybe half the things I would need, like cookware and bedroom furniture. One of them was this mirror. I did a room tour, which is a stories highlight on my Instagram now. It's a little silly to do a room tour 'cos the room isn't big and I don't have very much, but as I said, my Singaporean friends are eager to see all about my new life here.

On my first day here, I was a little miffed at my roommates because the kitchen was messy and they had left me literally no space to use in the shared fridge. One of them had her boyfriend over and they were in her room, so I didn't see her for all of two days. I eventually found out that the other roommate, Sunny, had been in a bike accident. She's walking around in crutches now and she had to have surgery after her accident. I'd planned to get a bicycle for my commute around town, but now I'm thinking about it again. I tend to err on the side of safety. Sunny dropped a bowl of sugar on my second day in the apartment and I helped her sweep it up, and I cannot afford to rely on anyone like that if I'm going to school. 

Sunny is a 52-year-old Korean, which my other roommate and I found out yesterday because I asked, and we were both shocked. She has a 26-year-old daughter but she looks like she's only slightly above 30. I guess Korean skincare does work.

My other roommate is Poonam, she's also going to VIU but she's in her final semester and graduating soon. Her boyfriend has gone back to India so they'll be doing long-distance for a while. Poonam helped me clear out some fridge space, so all's good now. We're also going to the city today, she's helping me set up my bus pass and all other admin matters.

On the day I landed in Nanaimo, I was struggling with my 10kg backpack, yoga mat, and two huge luggages. To help me get out of a coffee shop, a lady went out of her way to hold the door open. On the way to my apartment, I also didn't know how the buses worked yet, so the bus driver asked for the vicinity of my place, drove me as close as he could to it and stopped where there wasn't even a bus stop, and he didn't charge me because he knew I had no clue what was going on.

The sidewalk right in front of our house has a row of sunflowers planted along the side, and there were kids' chalk drawings on the ground!!!!!!

All of that happened on my first day here, so if that's what Canada is going to be like for me in the next four years, I'm very excited for more.

Yesterday I also shopped for groceries. I wanted more lavender ice-cream, like the one I had with Joey in LA. The grocery store didn't have any. Perhaps when we are in the city today, I will find some. The weather is actually really nice in Nanaimo right now, but I know the temperatures are gonna drop soon, and then cuffing szn will begin. It would be nice to rest my head on Joey's shoulder, have lavender (or any flavor, tbh) ice-cream and watch the rest of The Kingdom. Dang. I am a creature of familiar comforts indeed.

Currently, what is intimidating me are Canadian coins. You know you are comfortable in a place only when you've gotten familiar with their coins. I currently have $16 worth of coins, and I'm going to remedy the situation by spending some of them today.

It has been one of the greatest weeks of my life. It hasn't always been smooth or pleasant, and I was really tired from my journey here. Yet I know this is only the foundation, and the beginning. I swear I will always remember with gratitude, everybody who contributed some money, to give me a little margin to get started with, to indulge in a little bit of fun before I get down to srs bsnzz. I am grateful for everyone who's stuck around and comforted me with wise words when my anxiety got the better of me. I'm even actually really, really happy to have met one of the loves of my life, to have seen so much growth, in him, and perhaps in both of us. It's been a solid first week, and I feel encouraged to see and do more.

Calm just reminded me I haven't meditated at all this week, so I must do so tonight. I wanted to do so on the night I arrived at Joey's place, because a 16-hour flight is something you need to meditate from. But then when we eventually got to bed, it was pretty much 2am and I didn't wanna keep him up 'cos he was driving me off at 4.30ish. So! Long story short, I have a lot to meditate on tonight.

Have a safe and lovely week, wherever and whenever you are. You are always in my thoughts. Edit: I got a Canadian number now, please hit me up if you’d like it, on Instagram or whatever! Otherwise I won’t be responding to my Singapore number anymore.

Thursday, August 26, 2021


Tina’s in Peru for a wedding so she’s actually closer to me in timezones than she would be in NYC. I wish she would just fly here so I can spend time with her. Today is my first day meeting my housemates, one of them has her arm in a cast because she broke it in a bike accident. They also left no space for me to use in our shared fridge. URGHHHHH I fucking hate having to establish boundaries. Also re: Tina’s last question, I thought I made it quite obvious. Hmmmm. Tina and Joey would like each other ‘cos they’re both ridiculous. Also because I clearly have very strong feelings for both of them. Joey said he’s contemplating a work move to Seattle and I’ve been thinking about it way too much even though it has nothing to do with me. U R G H what am I going to do with myself.

Wednesday, August 25, 2021


we were both young when I first saw you

This post is going to talk about all kinds of love: the platonic kind, romantic, physical and fun love, an agape love for your neighbor and each individual in the world, familial and filial love, and some of them are mixed in with one another. If you cannot tell what kind of love I mean, it probably means I'm confused and can't tell either, and I'm not even being coy. I really don't know.
First of all, I was supposed to fly ANA to Narita, then onwards to Vancouver last Sunday. When I was checking in, the ground crew told me that my Covid PCR test was not going to be valid for my arrival time in Nanaimo (where I will be studying), because I'd taken my PCR test too early and my layover in Narita was going to be too long, and therefore I wasn't allowed to board my flight. Most of my friends and family members were there at the airport with me. I felt completely dejected, so I went home and cried, and just bummed around, before booking a more direct flight through LAX.

Anyhow, on that Sunday night, Jaysen passed me a wrapped book that he said was supposed to last me through the layover. It was the book Humans by Brandon Stanton, and it contains 400 or so stories about and by humans all over the world. If you're familiar with the account Humans of New York on Instagram, it's basically the same concept, but done with people from all over the world. As I had two days before my next actual flight to LAX, I finished reading it at home. I loved it. I love books like that because I love human stories, and I especially love the Humans series because on my second time in LA (in 2016), I was reading the Humans of New York book, and somehow I found myself in New York next, so I just... really feel an affinity for it. I left the book at home because I'd finished reading it and I didn't have much space in my luggage, so if anyone in Singapore would like to borrow it, let me know and I'll ask one of my sisters to pass it to you.

Jaysen wrote me a card to accompany the book. The intro of the card is like that because some of them (my clingies hehehe) had written me a card for my farewell, and Jaysen wrote his message in it last minute, while he was in my house restroom, when they had come over for dinner. Jeez. In any case, Jay said he knows I'll move on to do powerful and meaningful things in the world, and Monica said in her farewell message that she'll always support my changemaker ways, and hearing words and messages like that always pushes me forward. Sometimes I think people think I'm unrealistic, I'm too dreamy, and when I try to push for a replacement of capitalism, when I denounce the grind of life, when I argue for a degrowth economy to make a final push against climate change, I feel really silly and I think most people in my life just look at me like I'm weird. So it helps to know that some people do believe in the things I believe in, or at least they're not discouraging me from my beliefs. 

On my actual flight to LAX, I'd arrived early for check-in, and the ground crew was almost done with my pre-boarding, when she said she couldn't complete it because it would beep her to key in my ESTA number. If you're not familiar with ESTA, it's a sort-of visa alternative for countries that have good connections with the US or whatever, so Singapore is part of it. Before Covid, Singaporeans didn't need an ESTA for layovers and transits, both the ground staff and I confirmed it, but apparently it had changed just for Covid. So, I applied for my ESTA right there and then, but time kept passing and it wasn't being approved. I was losing hope because at the time I applied for my ESTA, it was 6am in EDT, which means even earlier (3am) in PDT, and I was so done waiting and trying to get around Covid procedures.

I left the boarding counter, and found my friends, Syai, Aishah and MJ on the departure kerbside. They weren't allowed into the terminal because in Singapore, the Covid protocol is only passengers are allowed into terminals. I sat there, lamenting my entire PCR test and ESTA fiasco, and telling them I didn't want to go to Canada anymore, Canada hates me, and every part of my journey seemed jinxed. All three of them (and Nate, who used to fly with SQ) told me they would wait for me till the very last minute. They called the ESTA hotline, they Googled ESTA durations, they tried to find loopholes. I was ready to retrieve my luggage to go home, when at the actual very fucking last minute (the email's timestamp was 6.41pm and my flight was at 7.50pm), I received the email saying my ESTA had been approved. 

I ran the fuck out of the terminal and gave everyone a hug, then ran to board my plane. If I graduate, I mean when I graduate, because clearly I will graduate, it will only be because I have people like MJ, Aishah, Syai and Nate who sat me the fuck down and told me not to give up hope.  

I eventually boarded the plane to LAX, and found out I had three hours of complimentary wifi. My Instagram inbox had been flooded with well-wishes as Singaporeans (who are still not completely allowed to leave the country) said they would live vicariously through me, watching me in my studies. Sandi texted me saying I had "main character vibes" and I suppose, I'll try to be a good main character?????

When I arrived in LA, I met up with Joey. This plan was only 2 days in the making, because you understand I'd only booked the flight ticket through LAX two days prior to flying. On the way there, while in the plane, I was very unsure of it. I hadn't met him since 2016 when, if you will recall, we accidentally got knocked up lololol. We haven't had the smoothest relationship online for the five years since, either. He said he would meet me, but I didn't know if he would stand me up, or whatever. 

He did end up picking me up at the airport, along with all my luggage. I'd intended to leave the luggage at the airport, but all the lockers got removed after 9/11, so the more you know. We'd planned to get ice cream or dessert, but we went to a couple of places, and they were all closed, because by the time we had driven out of the airport, it was half past ten ish at night. I did, however, see a lululemon in one of the malls. I got excited, even though I fucking hate lululemon (it pleases me so to be able to say it after two years). I hate lululemon just by virtue of it being fast fashion, otherwise the clothes are pretty decent. I've been wearing only lululemon through my entire journey (which has now taken thirty-two hours, and the clock is still ticking). 

So he brought me to Ralphs, which is a grocery store/Trader Joe's type-beat supermart that closes late, and we got ice-cream in a tub. Joey also said I smelled like animal crackers (what in the fuck, I do not understand) so we got a pack of animal crackers for me to smell. We went back to his place, and we watched the first episode of The Kingdom, which was just Joey making silly comments about it, whilst I complained about the lack of zombies (spoiler: they only start turning up at the end of the pilot). 

He gave me a tour of his current house, and it was actually a pretty nice place. As expected, he had random bolts from previous rockets, all his geek-type shit, but then in the parking lot! There was a limousine!!!! I don't know why he or his housemates have a limousine, and it just again reminded me of how.... absurd his life is. He works for Elon Musk at SpaceX, and I don't think he has as critical a mindset of billionaires as I do, of course. In any case, seeing a limo in his parking lot just made me feel a lot. On the one hand, why the fuck would anyone have a random limo?????? On the other hand, Taylor Swift also goes around in limousines and I love Taylor Swift, although why I'm comparing Joey to Taylor Swift, I do not know. Los Angeles is fucking weird. 

Joey and I made up a joke about giving him 5 stars on Yelp, because he'd been such a considerate host the entire night. When I was in his car, he asked if I was feeling warm or cold, and then when we were at his place, he asked if I needed another blanket or pillows while I was in his living room, and he told me I could get water from the dispenser, etc etc. Also, something that made me smile was Joey now carries a waterbottle around his house to drink water from, which is a huge improvement from five years ago. He used to have cartons upon cartons of bottled water to drink from!!!! At the time, it didn't bother me that much because I wasn't as aware of climate change, but if I saw it now, it would bug me. I wonder if he made the switch because of some other woman in his life, because if he did, the world has only her to thank.

After midnight, while Joey was going to bed, I teased and flirted through text, and I'm saying it upfront because we need to normalise women having physical desires and expressing them. This is also why y'all always see me posting about my toys on Instagram, because I would like it to be normal accepted behavior!! So, even though he had been completely gracious and made not a single move on me, I basically jumped him in bed. I would like to say, firstly, that doing stuff at 26 and 27 years old, and then doing it at a jump later at 31 and 32 years old, feels different, and it felt much better now. The good thing is Joey does what he says he will do (men need to underpromise and overdeliver), so even though it was daytime in Singapore time and I should have been awake, he induced me to sleep without even any external.... appliances. HAHAHA I amuse myself so much does anyone else even appreciate me making a clown of myself?????? 

While we were both drifting in and out of sleep (we only had like three hours of sleep between the time we actually went to sleep and the time we had to wake up for my flight to Vancouver), I counted the number of times we both had the sleep jerk. You know, when you're falling asleep-asleep, sometimes you kinda have a little spasm when you actually fall asleep, I don't know why but last night, it preoccupied me to observe how many times we did it. Could have been because I'd already had a longass journey, and my brain needed something to do.

I don't know what it is about Joey. I know I'm starting a new life in Vancouver and I'll meet new people, and you never know the kind of people you will fall in love with, but it's been five years, and he still has space in my heart, and it's been two years since New York, and I know I will always have a soft spot for Bennett. For all intents and purposes, Joey and I are not exactly compatible. I think we are similarly intelligent but in vastly different aspects and disciplines. He likes rockets and space exploration (I would have found it more appealing a couple decades ago when space was the final frontier but I currently find the urgent matter of climate change much more significant than men stroking their egos), and he likes racecars. I like social justice and mental health, the preservation of nature and waste management, etc. I could not give two and a half fucks about racecars. 

And yet. And yet, you could have a hundred, or no actually, a thousand people talk about coolant and engines and it would mean nothing to me, but if Joey talks about it, I would be mesmerised and learn something new. The pheromones he produces are attractive to the transmitters I have. It's so weird, you put me in a car or on a couch with Joey, and he could say something completely mundane and I will be smiling like an idiot. Isn't it fascinating?! I find it fascinating, because I try to attribute it to his voice, his hair, the actually ridiculous things he says, but someone else could have those same things and do the same things, and it all boils down to how our bodies react to each other chemically. I love how I have fun with Joey, like a lot of the time, I'm using my brain and thinking about how to change the world, but then Joey wants to watch a zombie show and make fun of it, and it's a joyful thing for me. What the fuck even????

It's been a long, long, longass journey, and I want it to end, as in I would like to reach my place and shower, and clean the fuck up. However, I am also full of love from all the love people keep sending me, from my family, from my friends, from my lovers and ex-lovers alike. I am receiving love in the form of money, in the form of words, in the form of time. I don't know where anything will lead me to, but these moments, these moments of love from all of you, they are enough. I am so full of joy and courage, and I'm ready. 

Thursday, August 19, 2021


On Wednesday, I had a night to remember. It was a lovely night to remember Singapore by. As I’d said, MJ told me he’d booked massage sessions for us. So we left work, had dinner and teh peng, on his tab. We’d never really had the time to spend outside of work so this was the first time we were talking about past loves, the idea of the loves of our lives, and all that jazz. We then went for the massage. The two masseuses were very amiable and entertaining, at just the right amount. They both spoke Chinese interspersed with English. If you don’t know, I understand Mandarin but I try not to speak it in Singapore, because first, I don’t understand why Chinese immigrants expect non-Chinese people to speak Mandarin to accommodate them, whilst never putting in effort to learn a different language, say, the Malay language of my heritage. Why should I compromise my language and culture to accommodate yours? Secondly, Mandarin itself is a tough language. One of my half-Chinese half-sisters doesn’t even really speak the language even though she had ten years of formal education of the subject, and I am well aware it’s super easy to butcher the intonations, so I steer well away from it, unless I’m outside of Singapore and speaking Chinese actually helps me somehow. Anyhow, so my masseuse was massaging my feet and explaining the different flaws there were in my health, like sleeping late, not sleeping well due to waking up to pee, etc etc, and I was very amused because in contrast, MJ had none of it. I would wriggle in pain from my massage, whilst MJ enjoyed his thoroughly, all his masseuse said was he could feel that MJ takes whey protein for his gym sessions. Don’t ask me how he knows that, I’m not a massage therapist. When the massage ended, MJ said he would get ice-cream for us next, so we did. He got me a hot fudge sundae, and then we sat at the intersection in Singapore that reminds me of the famous Tokyo intersection, and had our ice-cream. Eventually, we began talking about more serious things. The lululemon Singapore leadership bench is going through a shuffle, and I know my team has been feeling…. not-so-good vibrations about the upcoming changes. Each team/store in Singapore operates and feels like a family, and families generally don’t like being taken apart. Even for me, I have a deep loyalty to my manager Sherie, I don’t think a lot of people know why, but I attribute my growth in lululemon to her. The year I joined lululemon, I’d gone through that bad friend breakup with my best friends of fifteen years ish, so I took very long to open up to my team. After a few months, it was Sherie who coaxed me to take a chance on my team, to trust them and watch the process unfold, and since then, the thirty or so people I’ve met in lululemon are some of the people I would trust most with my life. Okay, but I digress. MJ and I were talking about major life changes, and the fact that he doesn’t feel like he belongs in Singapore, either, but he feels more bound to his family than I do. A lot of what he said obviously resonated with me, that he’s a dreamer, and a believer, and I’ve seen it in him through the eight months we worked together. I know MJ has always been emotional, like I am, but I don’t think he’d ever felt encouraged to express his emotions, given that he’s a guy, and in Singapore, as in many parts of the world, men are still not encouraged to be sensitive. While I watched him struggle, I knew he was a kindred spirit, that he gets as attached to people as I do, that he feels very strongly about people, more than money, or any other factor. I began hugging him and rubbing his shoulder, and he started tearing in my arms while he sat next to me, on those steps right outside Ion. You should already know this about me, that I melt easily when I see people being soft. You might not know this part, but I’d already told MJ before that night, a while ago, that I was romantically attracted to him, but it’s not reciprocated. I don’t think he’s romantically nor physically attracted to me at all. At first, I was like, ack that sucks, I have dreams about him but he doesn’t have such dreams about me (disclaimer: I do not control what I dream about and also, working around physically fit people in lululemon, I’ve also had such dreams about the girls, but that’s another story for another day), but then I thought about the night again. He bought me dinner, brought me to a massage, and had ice-cream and poured out his soul to me, and he did all this, not with the intention of bedding me, but just for the sake of my company. On that night, I realised the whole thing about romantic love being overrated, and that platonic friendships should be placed alongside if not above romance! People who take care of each other, and go on friendly dates with each other, for the sake of wanting to take care of people without needing to be taken care of in a romantic sense?! That’s the basic sense of community. Ironically, community is also one of lululemon’s core intentions so indirectly, they got the job done. Anyhow, when I look back on my memories of Singapore, I will always, always be glad to have gotten a best friend in MJ, and I will always be fond of him.

Wednesday, August 18, 2021


I’m in between two massages. What a bougie day I’m having. I booked my first massage session using ClassPass, which is where you can book fitness sessions and claim them through lululemon as an employee. However, you can also book beauty and wellness sessions and claim them, and lululemon will be none the wiser. Of course, that’s not what it’s meant for, but if you don’t tell, and I don’t tell, my employment ends in a couple of days and it will be the last thing I claim!!! Yesterday, my best friend from work, MJ, told me he’d booked foot massage sessions for both of us after our dinner later, and he said I couldn’t negotiate, and so that’s the story of how I have two massage sessions in a day. I know no one asked, but no one has ever asked me anything, yet y’all still end up here reading this shit that no one ever asks for?!?!?!

Anyhow. During my massage just now, I smelled something that brought me back to LA. It wasn’t the first time I’d smelled it in Singapore, nor was it the first time I was transported back to LA, but the spa was filled with many different aromas, and so I had to work my brain to pick out the one that was LA-related and identify what it was. For some reason, it permeated many of my memories of LA. I’d smelled it at the beach, I smelled it in the restaurants, I smelled it through cars and courthouses. While the very nice lady was massaging my shoulders, I thought “it smells like Joey” and then “no, this is not what Joey smells like” — then, “no, it smells like the mountain”, followed by “no, not the mountains” and then, because my brain neurons never let up, not even while I’m supposed to be falling asleep during a massage, I realised the scent. It was aloe vera, and the reason aloe vera persists in all my LA memories, is because my lips were very chapped during that hot summer, and I constantly used an aloe-flavored/scented tub of Vaseline lip balm. That’s why I thought it was Joey, because I would kiss him and he would probably smell like it. What a trip. Scents are wild.

I wish I had something like that to make me think of New York City, but I don’t. New York didn’t smell like anything particular to me, and nothing viscerally brings me back there. I remember it being cold and windy, and perhaps if I have bagel with lox, I get reminded of New York. I don’t have bagel with lox very often, and it’s not so much a visceral response as it is my brain making its own connection.

Sunday, August 15, 2021


If you still haven't watched Bo Burnham's special, Inside, I'm not sure what you're doing with your life. This song is stuck deep in the workings of my head, and I hope it doesn't drive me crazy in the two weeks I'll be spending waiting for school to start. I hope it doesn't play in my head while I'm out walking on trails and exploring nature, and setting up bank accounts and phone lines.

welcome to the internet
have a look around
anything that brain of yours can think of 
can be found
we've got mountains of content
some better, some worse
if none of it's of interest to you, 
you'd be the first

welcome to the internet
come and take a seat
would you like to see the news
or any famous women's feet?
there's no need to panic
this isn't a test, haha
just nod or shake your head and 
we'll do the rest

welcome to the internet
what would you prefer?
would you like to fight for civil rights 
or tweet a racial slur?
be happy
be horny
be bursting with rage
we got a million different ways to engage

welcome to the internet
put your cares aside
here's a tip for straining pasta
here's a nine-year-old who died
we got movies, and doctors, and fantasy sports
and a bunch of colored pencil drawings
of all the different characters in Harry Potter fucking each other

welcome to the internet
hold on to your socks
'cause a random guy just kindly sent you photos of his cock
they are grainy and off-putting
he just sent you more
don't act surprised, you know you like it, you whore
see a man beheaded
get offended, see a shrink
show us pictures of your children
tell us every thought you think
start a rumor, buy a broom
or send a death threat to a boomer
or DM a girl and groom her
do a Zoom or find a tumor in your
here's a healthy breakfast option
you should kill your mom
here's why women never fuck you
here's how you can build a bomb
which Power Ranger are you?
take this quirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants to vaccinate your kids

could I interest you in everything?
all of the time?
a little bit of everything
all of the time
apathy's a tragedy
and boredom is a crime
anything and everything
all of the time

you know, it wasn't always like this
not very long ago
just before your time
right before the towers fell, circa '99
this was catalogs
travel blogs
a chat room or two
we set our sights and spent our nights

for you, you, insatiable you
Mommy let you use her iPad
you were barely two
and it did all the things
we designed it to do
now look at you, oh
look at you, you, you
unstoppable, watchable
your time is now
your inside's out
honey, how you grew
and if we stick together
who knows what we'll do
it was always the plan
to put the world in your hand

could I interest you in everything?
all of the time?
a bit of everything
all of the time
apathy's a tragedy
and boredom is a crime
anything and everything
all of the time

could I interest you in everything?
all of the time
a little bit of everything
all of the time
apathy's a tragedy
and boredom is a crime
anything and everything
and anything and everything
and anything and everything
and all of the time

Saturday, August 14, 2021


I spoke to both Joey and Adam today. It was Joey first, I think he wants to be friends so I tried to set a boundary but I don’t know if it’ll work out in the long run. It may not, because I have very strong feelings for some very particular people. People should not insist on remaining or reappearing in other people’s lives if the other person has romantic feelings for them, that is highly inconsiderate. I don’t know why I like or love someone, I just do, and asking me to switch off my feelings is impossible, so then the onus falls on me to circumnavigate the situation around my feelings, which is like, why should I do that? Is the friendship worth it? What do I even get out of it? Someone I used to be in love with knowing I exist? Great. However, Joey does live in the timezone I will be living in, and so perhaps it’s best not to burn bridges at this moment. Who knows. I asked Adam if he’d asked me to read Normal People, because clearly when Joey appears in my life, it’s just a scene right out of the book. Adam said he might have, because he loved the book. So tonight he raved about it a little, and I loved that part of Adam, that we can talk about books and media. He’s a boy I will always be fond of, much the way I feel about Lucas, but unfortunately Adam didn’t elicit that feeling of “this is someone I want to be with” while we were together. Not that it matters, because he’s living happily together with his partner now, and they look very happy, and I’m super glad for it. You know the other person who elicits that “this is someone I want to be with” feeling, Bennett from Brooklyn? On the opposite end of the spectrum from Joey, he’s never texted me after I left New York, never popped up anywhere. I sent him an Instagram DM the start of the year and I don’t think he’s ever opened it. He may actually have a partner now, I don’t know, I haven’t been looking at his profile since I sent that message because I wouldn’t be able to deal if I see him with someone else. Modern problems and modern solutions. I hope I meet someone in Vancouver who will elicit that goddamn feeling again, and not someone who wants to be friends with me while I’m in love with them and then someone who’s in love with me while I want to be friends with them and U G H. I do acknowledge how much of a first-world problem this is. All just a slice of life. I truly enjoyed talking to both Joey and Adam tonight, both men who have been in me (HAHAHAHA), but my feelings or lack thereof have always made things more complicated than just: I enjoy it and so it is. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2021


no more keeping score
now I just keep you warm
no more tug-of-war
now I just know there’s more

no more keeping score
now I just keep you warm
my waves meet your shore
ever and evermore

past me, I wanna tell you 
not to get lost in these petty things
your nemeses will defeat themselves
before you get the chance to swing

When I was younger, I would write every single detail, everything someone said to make someone else laugh. I don’t know if I’ve lost that interest or ability. It seems a little redundant, because I document many things on Instastories, and you can hear how someone laughs, you can really know the things I fall in love with, so it feels like my words don’t really match up. Perhaps I only wrote or write out of necessity. Who knows. I spent time at the beach last week, with Sandi, I’m sunburned now. It hurts, but it also doesn’t. Julia, Aishah and Monica came over for dinner tonight, Mon tried to recall the fifty nifty United States of America by singing a song, Julia said she wanted to drive from Canada to the Bahamas (???), and when we played Jackbox on the TV, Aishah named herself Bahamas to make fun of it. Sometimes everything just depends on context and I think I’m trying to live in the moment. Over the past week, everybody has been telling me they’re feeling excited about my adventure, and conversely, I’ve been nervous as I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, for the first time in my life, I’m feeling scared and so much wistfulness for what I’ll be leaving behind. I love the people I spend more than half my week with. They look out for me, and I want to look out for them. I don’t want to be in a continent where I barely know anyone, where I feel like if I run into trouble, I will be able to call only Tina, who is literally on the other coast. I feel a range of emotions, it makes me feel so, so encouraged to know that there is an entire squad of people who want to see me off at the airport, who are supporting me in every way they can, even though I do not even know if they will be allowed into the terminal. I’ve spent some time building bonds and making a life here, and I love-hate my sisters and I want to eat my grandmother’s food all the time. I suppose what’s playing in my head is Lorde’s Supercut, and I’m playing a romantic reel of only all the good and nice things that I have here, because I know I’m letting go of it, but there is also the stress of life in Singapore, there is the existential dread I get from walking into and working in a mall everyday, feeding capitalism, and getting fed nothing in return. I love some parts of my life now, and I will miss it.

EDIT: Uh, a few hours after I posted that, I woke up to these messages from Tina. Excuse me while I cry on the way to work?!?!

Monday, August 2, 2021


I would like y'all to know, Hasan Minhaj saw a story I posted and that's all this post is about.

I've watched him since 2017 (I went to look at my past posts), love everything he does. Homecoming King, from 2017, is still my favorite standup, and Patriot Act alone educated me on world issues. He rarely has any bad takes, although I do remember just a couple of episodes that I guess I thought could have been slightly more entertaining.

I rewatched Homecoming King and so far, it's still aged well, nothing has gone sour or offensive or tasteless, as of now. I'm gonna be in that neck of the woods when his new show The King's Jester drops, so I might get to see it live??? I don't know, it might be a lot of money when I'm still trying to find my footing, so yeah, anyone who wants to marry me and pay for the show, you are welcome to. You are also welcome to pay for the show, no marriage involved.

That's it. That's the post.