Wednesday, August 11, 2021


no more keeping score
now I just keep you warm
no more tug-of-war
now I just know there’s more

no more keeping score
now I just keep you warm
my waves meet your shore
ever and evermore

past me, I wanna tell you 
not to get lost in these petty things
your nemeses will defeat themselves
before you get the chance to swing

When I was younger, I would write every single detail, everything someone said to make someone else laugh. I don’t know if I’ve lost that interest or ability. It seems a little redundant, because I document many things on Instastories, and you can hear how someone laughs, you can really know the things I fall in love with, so it feels like my words don’t really match up. Perhaps I only wrote or write out of necessity. Who knows. I spent time at the beach last week, with Sandi, I’m sunburned now. It hurts, but it also doesn’t. Julia, Aishah and Monica came over for dinner tonight, Mon tried to recall the fifty nifty United States of America by singing a song, Julia said she wanted to drive from Canada to the Bahamas (???), and when we played Jackbox on the TV, Aishah named herself Bahamas to make fun of it. Sometimes everything just depends on context and I think I’m trying to live in the moment. Over the past week, everybody has been telling me they’re feeling excited about my adventure, and conversely, I’ve been nervous as I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why, for the first time in my life, I’m feeling scared and so much wistfulness for what I’ll be leaving behind. I love the people I spend more than half my week with. They look out for me, and I want to look out for them. I don’t want to be in a continent where I barely know anyone, where I feel like if I run into trouble, I will be able to call only Tina, who is literally on the other coast. I feel a range of emotions, it makes me feel so, so encouraged to know that there is an entire squad of people who want to see me off at the airport, who are supporting me in every way they can, even though I do not even know if they will be allowed into the terminal. I’ve spent some time building bonds and making a life here, and I love-hate my sisters and I want to eat my grandmother’s food all the time. I suppose what’s playing in my head is Lorde’s Supercut, and I’m playing a romantic reel of only all the good and nice things that I have here, because I know I’m letting go of it, but there is also the stress of life in Singapore, there is the existential dread I get from walking into and working in a mall everyday, feeding capitalism, and getting fed nothing in return. I love some parts of my life now, and I will miss it.

EDIT: Uh, a few hours after I posted that, I woke up to these messages from Tina. Excuse me while I cry on the way to work?!?!