Thursday, March 21, 2019

NAUSEA

Today was a dramatic day and the day I've felt the worst in at least a year. So if you follow me on Instagram you'd know I've been doing babysitting to supplement my income. My current baby is the daughter of a businesswoman who's working in Singapore this week, so I've been taking care of the baby in hotels. Today I either got food poisoning or stomach flu and was feeling nauseated. While this was physically happening, I somehow had started the big conversation that I'd been working up the courage for. I've been feeling uneasy because I knew I did some things wrong as well, and indeed he said he had gotten quite angry. We had as civil a conversation as we could have had, though, I think. I might have fucked up his life just as he fucked up mine, but in different ways. I felt guilty and guilt is the absolute worst feeling because this time, you can't even victimize yourself. We sort of thrashed some things out, after two years ish, while I felt more and more nauseated. So then I was carrying the baby in the fancy hotel lobby to pick up a delivery, when I started throwing up. The hotel staff noticed immediately, they held the baby and entertained her, while giving me medicinal oils to sniff and asked if I needed medical attention. I eventually left because I thought I would be feeling better after having vomitted, but then from the hotel to the train station, I kept throwing up. Along the way, after having thrown up on the steps in front of a shopping mall, I was completely out of energy and I lay in front of my pile of sick, waiting till I felt better. Two white girls from the nearby international school, UWCSEA, asked if I was okay, and helped me to the nearest restroom where I again alternated between having the runs and throwing up. Another lady in another cubicle asked if I was okay and whether she could call me a cab. I cabbed home without incident, fortunately, but after having showered and cleaned myself up, I just woke up and threw up all the water I'd just drunk to hydrate myself. I was literally swimming in my own sick, and my sisters and mother have been helping to clean it and myself up. I have never been so fawned over while being sick, from the hotel staff to strangers on the street, to my own family. My stomach hurts because there is nothing left to heave and regurgitate, and I don't even get to see my kid tomorrow. This is one of the worst times I've felt. It's so strange, after years and years, I still feel terrible because I care for this man and all we've done is fuck shit up. My icon for today's mood app is the most depressed one. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can.