Thursday, March 14, 2019

LIVE A LITTLE

Today Sharifah picked me up from work, riding her bike to surprise me. We went to Tampines for lunch, and I felt so free and happy. I'm not sure why, but sometimes being on a motorbike is the best thing, once in a while. Sometimes it gets really hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, but occasionally it's really fun, like nothing else. She's hilarious, she only recently got her riding licence and we had to exit the mall's basement, she said "I'm really bad at slopes, hold on for your life". I've read that thrillseekers tend to be secretly depressed. In my case, it's no secret but even for Sharifah, I could totally see why she likes living life on the edge. I didn't stop smiling once while riding on her bike. It's completely different from being in a car.

OPPOSITE / ADJACENT

It would be so interesting if I stopped believing in marriage or monogamy. Practically, I don't think I could ever really subscribe to a lifestyle where I engage in ethically non-monogamous relationships, I've always thought it was messy and of course, I form attachments way too easily. However, I have also been told that people have the misconception that I am a "good decent Muslim-Malay girl", not the one who doesn't fast in Ramadan or who has a tattoo. I mean, seriously, I am a geek, when I am not dressed up for Instagram, I look like trash that walks around wearing spectacles. I have gone from listening to and abiding by my parents' rules to completely disregarding them. I have gone from being miserable about my miscarried fetus and praying for it, to being completely convinced god and the afterlife are made-up concepts because human beings are too self-absorbed to accept that the world does not revolve around us and that we could ever cease to exist once our bodies are dead. If there were any extreme changes to be made in life, I think I have made that journey, so. Life is transient and so are my beliefs so far. I have definitely read stuff that say that marriages are doomed to fail because we're not meant to have lifetime partners, especially not in an age where the average lifespan is close to a hundred years. People change and then so do dynamics between people and their relationships. To cap off this post, I will very predictably say I hope this doesn't scare off my future husband because I still want to get married, but everything has the potential to change, and to go into a marriage not learning as much as you can about your partner's mindset, is likely what dooms it to fail, anyway. One day my mother will muster her courage to read all my recent posts and she will have an aneurysm and perhaps she will throw me out of this apartment. Maybe spiritually, even if not physically.

UNLEARNING

There are a couple of things that I know for sure I dislike about each of my parents. It is not enough or it is easy enough for me to critique them or criticize them for such traits, but the toughest part is obviously unlearning those behaviors and teaching myself to do and be otherwise. One from my mom is that she is high-strung, and so it is that I am constantly battling between an inherent learnt programming to react to things in a high-strung manner, and being mellow and chill about things. It feels almost like schizophrenia, I have to constantly second-guess myself and ask, is this reaction the real me, or is it the me I learnt from observing my mother? It's even harder because I still live with her, still hear her complaints about the reality television we watch, of her disapproval towards strangers making out. And then there is my dad. I'm not even sure where to begin with him, but I feel very strongly about his... priorities. I feel like at age 46 you should have learnt and matured enough to at least get your shit together financially, but this still doesn't seem to be the case. The only reason I can think of is perhaps he lacks a proper system of priorities and prioritizing. If you are a father of three in your household, then I don't see a reason for you to be too broke for dinner, and if you are, then the thought of branded headphones shouldn't turn up until the phrase "too broke for dinner" leaves your lexicon for the rest of your lifetime. If you are not too broke for dinner, then I'm not sure why you would say you are, in which case your priority is still not your children's well-being and mental health, because children should not have to hear or worry about their parents being short of money, especially when they're younger than ten. Having said all that, it is a tough act to remind myself to balance being mellow and kind and forgiving towards myself, but also to prioritize financial responsibilities and consideration of everyone within the circle of people I could potentially affect in my life.