Thursday, March 14, 2019


The phrase "staying together for the kids" is on my mind. I would reckon at least 60% of why I don't do well by myself is 'cos I yearn to be loved by a man, to prove that men don't always leave. I hate it when men disappear, and then they come back out of goddamn nowhere, it really reminds me of my dad. Please stick around, please stick around, please stick around. A couple of things Bennett said to me when we were dating resurfaced today: he said sometimes men don't stick around because they've seen that someone has gone through a lot, and there's a lot of pressure on them, they don't want to potentially add on to the hurt that's already been dealt to a person. He also said every day ends, so even if you're having the worst of days, you will never have to live through the same day again. He also said he wants a wingsuit sometime in life, he said this while I was watching them play Steep. Fuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I think I might be incapable of love. Do you think that's true? Do I just want to be loved without actually doing any loving, or am I self-sabotaging now? I need to sleep and turn off my brain.


Today Sharifah picked me up from work, riding her bike to surprise me. We went to Tampines for lunch, and I felt so free and happy. I'm not sure why, but sometimes being on a motorbike is the best thing, once in a while. Sometimes it gets really hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, but occasionally it's really fun, like nothing else. She's hilarious, she only recently got her riding licence and we had to exit the mall's basement, she said "I'm really bad at slopes, hold on for your life". I've read that thrillseekers tend to be secretly depressed. In my case, it's no secret but even for Sharifah, I could totally see why she likes living life on the edge. I didn't stop smiling once while riding on her bike. It's completely different from being in a car.