Sunday, January 21, 2024

LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE

This past weekend was the BC Federation of Students’ AGM. I spent it campaigning for a year-long position as a Director-at-Large. There were four Director-at-Large positions, with eight candidates vying for them.

On Saturday evening, we each made our speech contesting our case, then spent an hour in the room for the other Locals’ delegates to approach any of us and ask questions about whatever they wanted, pertaining to our candidacy. 

We were scattered all over the room, and I was asked questions like (list not exhaustive — I literally did not stop talking for one hour): how my being in the position could help the Federation’s relations with Indigenous communities; how I could improve the BCFS’ position on environmental or sustainability issues; (because I’d been the only candidate to bring up Gaza in my speech) how I’d deal with potentially an Israeli student feeling offended by my Palestine-geared advocacy; what kind of initiatives I’d push for if I received a position. 

I fielded these questions, one after another, as best and as authentically as I could. It was exhausting, I’d never felt like I had to talk about all the values I believed in and cared for, for all of an hour. I don’t even do that at therapy, during which I’m either laughing because I get to relax and let my guard down when I’m with my therapist, or I’m crying, for similar reasons. 

Nonetheless, I felt encouraged by all the questions, I knew the room was filled with 150 or so people who only wanted to make sure that the positions were filled by someone competent and up to the job, and I knew they, like me, were doing it because they cared. It might have been only an election of university students across BC, but I honestly think it was a positive situation because we’re all mostly mature enough to know of real-world issues, but not jaded enough to engage in mudslinging like in real-world politics. My seven candidates who ran for the position and I, we’re friends, and I knew we all wanted to do our best in the interest of students. 

Today, we received the results and I had won one of the four positions. Cole and Leah cheered the loudest and gave me cheek kisses when we found out. I could finally breathe deeply and fully. I was elated but what really filled my heart was when the other Local delegates congratulated me. 

They said things like they felt a good vibe coming from me when they talked to me, that they could trust me, that they never questioned that they would vote for me, that they were proud of me — and these were people who’d just met me for the first time! It warms my heart because doing activism is obviously a kind of work that can be draining. It requires that you focus on the problems and issues that exist in society, so that you can create awareness of and hopefully help to fix them. 

Most of the time, out in public, I’d have to explain what certain -isms mean, why some things aren’t cool nor acceptable, or why we should be doing more when we have the capacity to do more. When you care about one thing, you usually care about more and more, and burnout can be so real. 

In this room, though, I didn’t have to explain myself. They knew what issues exist in the world, they only wanted to know that I cared the way they did. I didn’t have to convince them of anything, except that I will eventually do the things I said I would. My favorite times are whenever I spend time with the BCFS because these people get me, they don’t make me feel like I’m too much or I care too much. So it meant a lot to me that they believe and had such faith in me.

I know it might not be the biggest deal but I’m truly grateful to be doing such work. I’m afforded an opportunity to be representing 170,000 post-secondary students across British Columbia, to do what I love and fulfills me. It gives me hope. Thank you all for creating an environment that’s allowed me to grow so much. I’m definitely gonna do my best for you.

HEY, MUST BE THE MONEY

Day 15: Who is the first person you thought about today?
I don’t remember, maybe Alessia.

Day 16: Who was especially kind to you today?
No one, not today.

Day 17: What job would you like to trade your job for this week?
I got my hair cut today and would love to try being a hairstylist/hairdresser. It would be so fun.

Day 18: What lie have you told recently?
I told my professor Michael Mackenzie that I would hand in my reflection note for participation marks, but I wasn’t really intending to, and I didn’t do it.

Day 19: What are you beginning to doubt?
I had a lengthy conversation with one of my political professors recently, and I’m beginning to doubt whether I should be working in government or a political party. She told me that I would have to lose parts of myself, and she advised me to stay true to myself instead.

Day 20: What is one thing you have learned about life?
That you can and will thrive if surrounded by the right people, in the right environment.

Day 21: How hard did you work today?
I didn’t have to work hard today, but I worked really hard the past three days.

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

I HOPE THIS PAIN’S JUST PASSING THROUGH

Now I am stuck between my anger 
and the blame that I can't face 
And memories are somethin' 
even smoking weed does not replace 
And I am terrified of weather 
'cause I see you when it rains 
Doc told me to travel, but there's COVID on the planes

And I love Vermont, but it's the season of the sticks 
And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed 
And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim 
I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas
And I'll dream each night of some version of you 
That I might not have, but I did not lose 
Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes 
And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do 

So I thought that if I piled something good on all my bad
That I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from dad
No, I am no longer funny, 'cause I miss the way you laugh
You once called me forever, 
now you still can't call me back

Sunday, January 14, 2024

TIME CAPSULE

Here are my answers to Week 2 questions.

Day 8: What age do you feel?
I feel 28 in terms of maturity, and 82 in terms of how exhausted I am.

Day 9: What change do you want to make?
I want to be more independent and also be physically stronger.

Day 10: What is the last dream you remember?
I was on stage performing with Taylor Swift at her concert.

Day 11: Rate your happiness today on a scale of 1 to 10.
10 — I finally received my 2022 tax returns from Canada, LOL. Seven months after I filed it. $3300 to go towards my winter semester later this year. 

Day 12: What famous person would you like to meet?
I’d like to meet Taylor Swift. I’d ask her why she hasn’t spoken out about Gaza.

Day 13: Who in your life is most like you?
I think, for now, it’s Maggie? She’s been the person I’ve been to the Gaza marches with. She and I love just vegetating at the pool (mostly for the sauna room), we believe in many similar values and are soft-hearted, but also try our best to engage in strong advocacy.

Day 14: What color best describes your mood today?
I’m feeling happy and grateful for the past week today, so it would have to be pink, my favorite color.

Alessia and I got back from Vancouver this evening after the loveliest weekend. For Christmas, she had gifted me a studio session to do an awkward pose photoshoot, so we went to do it yesterday, and I believe we smashed it. We’d pre-planned some poses and we kept laughing through the half an hour. 

Today, we went to Dhuha’s housewarming party at her new place. She lives at Koala Court so the party was koala-themed and super cute. Her baby girl, Laila, was asleep for most of when we were there, but Dhu and her family provided so much good food. Alessia and I had sandwiches and pasta hors d’oeuvres and meat skewers, and those really good lemon square bars from Granville Island. We happened to sit at the dining table with Dhu’s younger sister and her two friends, they’re all grad students at UBC, so Dhu called us the students’ union/kids’ table, and it was so fun and enjoyable.

We’d brought a couple of tokens for the white elephant gift exchange, and I got some small gifts for Laila too, but when we left, Dhu had us each pick out a mug and fill it with some goodies for our door gifts. I left with a homely pink ceramic mug, filled with a belif eye cream, some artisanal hot chocolate, a lemon-lavender-vanilla soy candle (that’s burning in my room right now), a bath bomb and a lip balm, and Alessia got an original Beauty Blender (she checked hahaha), so we both left with much more than we came with. It was a lovely afternoon, and I’m always so glad to mingle with Singaporeans. When my semester quiets down, I’m gonna try to visit them again. From Dhu’s Instastories of her, I can see Laila definitely is turning out so bright and precious.

Sunday, January 7, 2024

QUESTION...?

Alessia and I did a thing, and we might do more of such a thing, if people like the thing.

Friday, January 5, 2024

PIGTAILS

I filled in the questions for the first week of the year from my new journal, and included Saturday’s and Sunday’s, because I don’t think my answers would change in the next two days. If they do, then I’ll edit them, I guess, but it’s unlikely. 

Day 1: What goal would you like to accomplish this year?
I would like to be able to drive/receive my Novice licence. I’ve been on my L, and I have lessons lined up. I have a good feeling about it, this summer I might be able to start driving on my N, and it will taste so sweet. 

Day 2: Who do you envy most? 
My cousin Hazwani. She’s my age, and we grew up together. She has a pretty decent life, she is married to a good guy and have a happy, cute marriage together. She has a stable job as a radiographer, that challenges her, and she also travels fairly often, either with her family members or her friends. She and I are very close, so sometimes I feel a little sad that I’m a few stages behind her in life, but I’m always happy that she’s happy.

Day 3: What is one thing you learned today? 
Today I went for the first Pilates lesson of my life. I wanted to do new things for the new year, and also the first/trial session was free, and so I signed up. It was challenging. However, the instructor is extremely knowledgeable about the human body, and the other people in the class were elderly, retired people so it gave me hope and encouragement that Pilates would get me to strengthen my core and age as gracefully and with as much dignity as possible. I also naturally don’t have the best posture, so all the different alignment exercises are so useful for me. 

Day 4: What is one thing you wish you had done differently today? 
I did everything the way I wanted to do today.

Day 5: What event or milestone are you looking forward to? 
I look forward to graduating university. On the one hand, I do enjoy learning, and I’m a great student. I feel like I could do it for ten more years. On the other hand, the international student tuition fees here are more than three times the domestic prices, so I’m ready to graduate and start earning some money so I can pay off my loans and travel a little bit. 

Day 6: If you were an animal, what animal would you be?
I would want to be a quokka, as they always seem so happy. 

Day 7: What is the best news you’ve received lately? 
That I received the Alexandro Malaspina award for excellent work in my studies, and it came with a $500 prize. The certificate was also dated December 13, 2023. It shouldn’t matter that December 13 is Taylor Swift’s birthday, but of course it does. It was her birthday, and she gave me a gift. ;)

Monday, January 1, 2024

ZEEP ZORP

During one of my therapy sessions in the past year, Art (also known as my Professor Dad) asked me for a motion that I could use as a self-soothing method, when I told him that sometimes I didn't have anyone around to ask for a hug or to comfort me. I had to think about it, but then I told him I guess I could bring my palm up to press against my chest, just around my sternum, to simulate the pressure that one would feel during a hug. Sometime in the last few weeks, my sister shared a video with me, that was of me crying at a kind gesture from a cousin of ours, before I'd left Singapore, before I'd ever stepped foot in Canada. In this video, I could be seen soothing myself by pressing my palm against my chest and rubbing it gently yet firmly. That was when I realised I'd been doing the thing before I even knew I was doing it for self-comfort. It was a genuine "huh, cool" moment. 

I ordered a journal for myself that should arrive soon, it's called One Question A Day. It's supposed to have 365 questions and you answer one per day, and compare your answers, year on year for five years. I don't know what the questions are yet, but I hope they're good, and I might update them here weekly, when I'm done answering them, depending on how good of prompts they are. Jeremy recently suggested that I begin to write more often. At first I thought, I write so much for school, I write essay assignments and exams and speeches, why would I write even more? But then I realised he was right. I used to love writing for myself, for fun, and I'd pretty much stopped, because I was too busy with school and work. I want to go back to writing more just for leisure and for the fuck of it, so I guess here I am, starting the new year in a way that I will try to be consistent with.