Wednesday, April 28, 2021

KEYBIND

baby, I know pain is as natural as the rain
I just thought it didn't rain in California


I'm currently in the midst of typing my final essay for the semester. In 24 hours I will be done and free. I received my final grade for Indigenous Gender, I got an 85%/A, and given that I got up before the sun did for those classes, I'm happy with those results. I don't think I'll do as well for Politics nor Philosophy, but I'll accept B's this semester. Unless one of you wants to hack into the school system and adjust my grades. Lol I kid. I think.

Rachel, who was one of my friends from school and is also now my boss at my second job, told me about Warmspace, and I immediately signed up for it. I had my session a couple of weeks ago, and I really liked it. So someone from Indonesia created a platform called Warmspace, during the pandemic last year. What happens is you indicate your availability for their timeslots, then you get matched with someone else who's available at the same timeslot. You can meet anyone of any race, gender, age, whatever, this way.

The video session lasts about an hour. You start off with a short three-minute meditation facing each other, then with a voice prompt guiding each of you through the session, you choose words or themes to ask each other questions about, and then you're given a few short minutes to respond to the other person's chosen sharings. I got an Indian man who was completing his PhD in Germany, who hadn't met his family for about a year because they live all over the world. We talked about hope.

I really enjoyed my session, I do think it's very important in such a global climate as today. My takeaway from it was that, although we were in such far-off nations with different experiences, we were strangers who could care for each other. It was amazing. They should definitely try to use the platform at retirement homes or anywhere old folks are cooped up from meeting their loved ones, until the vaccines have been fully administered!

Speaking of vaccines, India is suffering the brunt of Covid, mostly due to the patenting of the vaccines by companies in America. If you believe in applying patents on healthcare products over the health of your fellow people, please never talk to me again because I will goddamn punch you in the face. Fuck right off, I don't need you in my life.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

BROWN DWARF

I have a Politics exam paper in half an hour (now thirteen minutes). I have one more Eastern Philosophy essay to submit a week from now. Once the philo paper is submitted, I will be done with my first semester of school. Seven more days. 168 hours. I can do this. I have been very stressed throughout the month, but I am personally responsible for that, for taking on way too many jobs and opportunities. Derek Chauvin has been charged with the murder of George Floyd. It's one step forward but not damn near enough. Justice cannot be served when the system that exists prevents justice, every day. It's time to abolish the police, dismantle the patriarchy, destroy capitalism. Recently, I said to someone I was subconsciously angry at capitalism, and if I weren't working all the damn time to survive, I would be much healthier. They said, having observed Communism, it's sadly not much better. I retorted that I think that's a narrow mindset, that when someone criticises capitalism you gotta compare it to communism (or what you think communism is) or a failing system that you know, because we are human beings, if there's anything we're capable of, it's dreaming up new systems and ways of being. If you can do it with outerspace, why the fuck not dream about different things on Earth. Why the fuck not? Alright, my exam paper has been emailed to me. Sarah Mei, out! 


Also, she always types my name with a hyphen, I don't know why. I have clearly never used a hyphen in my name, because there is no hyphen in my name. ????????

Thursday, April 15, 2021

PETER LUGER

A notion commonly held across the world is that young adults are less politically engaged than older generations. A significant reason for this prevalent view is that voter turnout at national elections is taken to be the main and most important measure of political engagement. In this paper, I will set out to reject the claim that young adults’ political participation is on a decline. This will be done in two prongs. First, I will highlight several causes that may contribute to and account for low voter turnout among younger generations of people, aged 18 to 35. Secondly, I will prove that in other measures besides voter turnout, younger generations are very active and involved, indicating to a large extent that they are in fact not any less politically engaged than their older compatriots. 

In a focus group discussion done with youths in New Zealand, contrary to the findings of research in the quantitative tradition, fewer differences were found between young voters and non-voters: the interviews and focus group reveal surprising similarities in the political efficacy of young voters and non-voters. High school students made statements reflecting the necessity of working in community to improve the sustainability of life on this planet, as well as beliefs that money would be much better spent on ‘feeding hungry people’ than on ‘weapons and bombs for war’ (Sheerin, 2007). 

Another key finding from the same study is that young people, including non-voters, are often interested in and enthusiastic about political issues. 80% of the survey respondents, including non-voters, said they felt strongly about one or more political issues, such as unemployment and education. In the US, Braungart and Braungart (1998) have similarly challenged assumptions of youth political apathy, arguing that young Americans (again, including non-voters) are increasingly concerned with a wide range of political issues, including gun control, healthcare and the environment. Similar research in Australia has revealed that young people are interested in a wide range of political issues, leading researchers to conclude that young Australians are not politically apathetic, but rather disinterested in politicians and traditional party politics. (Sheerin, 2007) 

In the United Kingdom, research studies were conducted by Nestlé to survey teenagers’ attitudes towards politics. Most knew little about politics, had not thought a great deal about political issues, nor been involved in political activities. When shown a list of different types of people whom they would trust, young people placed their trust in doctors, teachers, and their own parents. Adults, on the other hand, were significantly more cynical and less trusting. While younger people in the UK may rightly judge their own grasp of political knowledge to be tenuous, they may be inclined to trust their elders and previous generations to make wiser and more informed decisions through the electoral process, as opposed to youths casting their own votes (Mortimore, 2003). 

The Nestlé study also revealed that many young people do not have the intention to vote because they do not feel valued by political leaders. One in five (23%) say they would not vote because ‘politicians don’t care about people like me’. For young people, this applies to all political parties. 17% say voting is pointless because ‘all political parties are the same’. As a result, 16% also believe that politics do not make a difference to their lives. However, half of all respondents indicate they would be interested in learning about the issues ‘which will help me decide how to vote when I turn 18 years old’. This notion is stronger among students of private institutions than those attending state schools, which may suggest that it is those from a background more supportive of political awareness or those who have already received some degree of citizenship education who are most keen to find out more. If so, citizenship classes may have a beneficial effect, not only in initiating the educational process but stimulating the curiosity or desire for further knowledge. (Mortimore, 2003) 

In Cyprus, a country divided by separatist lines between Turkish and Greek Cypriots, fieldwork shows youths being excluded from decision-making and peace-building processes. Young people frequently think that their messages are devalued or ignored. Research highlights what is known as ‘adult territoriality’, where the politics are mainly dominated by older men who do not allow young people to take part in any type of governmental body. An interview with a young Cypriot revealed, “political parties are hesitant to encourage youth candidates in politics and they don’t have any intention to open the doors to youth either”. This creates a glass ceiling that prevents young people from being included in politics, decision-making or peacebuilding. “It might be because of the Mediterranean culture, but elders do not listen to you until your hairs turn grey,” was a comment by another 28-year-old Turkish Cypriot. “It is deeply embedded in the Cyprus culture that if you are a young person, you [have] no experience to be listened to,” said a 27-year-old Greek Cypriot, indicating that youths on both sides of the issue share the same sentiments. (Dizdaroğlu, 2020) 

In a cross-national study (Kitanova, 2018), the researcher proposes that lack of political activity is more likely to be apparent in countries which are newly democratised. The age of a democracy is argued to have a direct impact on the propensity of young individuals to engage in politics. Through the democratic experience in a country, individuals develop loyalty and form certain political habits (Jackman & Miller, 2004). Countries with similar historical trajectories will have similarities to the process of how a young person goes through life and develops their political beliefs and behaviors. When the democratic experience is new, therefore, there would not be necessary developed habits of voting. In new democracies, historically there are high levels of state centralisation, low levels of freedom, and a lack of automatic examples in the nuclear family structure, on how to engage in political participation. In contrast, young people are more engaged in politics in advanced democracies compared to new democracies because there is a certain know-how that has been passed down. (Kitanova, 2018) 

The global atmosphere and unforeseeable circumstances in recent years have brought forth many valid reasons for political unrest as well as community organizing. One such example is the fight against climate change. In the past two years, especially, students have pioneered and championed for long-term solutions to the pressing issue of mitigating impending climate disaster. Students were the ones holding placards in Kiribati and chanting: “We are not sinking, we are fighting.” Concurrently in Australia, the finance minister, Mathias Cormann, had said that students should stay in class rather than go on strike. Danielle Porepilliasana, a Sydney high school student, made a comeback comment: “World leaders from everywhere are telling us that students need to be at school doing work. I’d like to see them at their parliaments doing their jobs for once.” (Laville & Watts, 2019) 

Over in Taiwan, dozens of representatives from primary schools, high schools, and universities gathered in the capital, Taipei, to launch a petition demanding presidential candidates to lay out concrete policies that would reduce climate change risks. Protests demanding environmental protection and accountability took place in New York, Sydney, Nairobi and Delhi, among countless other major cities throughout the globe. Historical movements were ongoing, and young people were in charge. There was widespread media coverage, and one of the many remarks made was: “This is a movement led by young people across the globe. We’re not just looking for an excuse for a day off school or college; we’re standing up for the future of our planet.” (Laville & Watts, 2019) 

In another major crisis that culminated in 2020, to stand up for black lives and against police brutality and systemic racism, protesters stormed the streets in hotspots around the world, including in Auckland, Paris, London, Copenhagen, and Amsterdam. Students planned BLM marches across the United States and many were at the forefront of the global Black Lives Matter movement. Activism also found a platform on social media, where students propagate resources and information for others to become educated about the pressing need to strive for racial justice. 

Students and young adults share links to petitions, offer advice for safe protesting practices, create templates for emailing authorities, list bail funds and black-owned restaurants and businesses in need of support, and share videos documenting instances of police brutality at protests. At the risk of endangering their own lives, safety, and mental health, students rallied behind the BLM movement and have spearheaded and founded far-reaching branches of the movement. In a 2015 case that unraveled at the University of Missouri at Columbia, after students reported multiple instances of being subjected to racial slurs and mistreatment, the student body launched protests and called for the resignation of then-president Tim Wolfe. The president resigned shortly after. (Rim, 2020) 

Raising awareness and fighting misinformation is an important role that many youth have taken up, and an ongoing example of this would be the COVID-19 pandemic. A Tweetchat in Africa has attracted over 90,000 participants and helped to protect against disease spreading. #STOP-COVID-19 infographics are available in more than sixty African languages dedicated to dispelling myths about the virus. A number of creative ways of sharing messages have also emerged, including via music in South Africa, graffiti in Kenya, and poetry in Gambia. 

Young people are supporting their communities in various ways through maintaining access to basic services and providing humanitarian assistance. Many local initiatives are engaged in distributing soap, installing handwashing stations, manufacturing bottles of home-made hand sanitiser and making protective masks. Other youth groups are working together to hand out food packages and sanitation kits, deliver free and anonymous mental health services, and maintain the menstrual health of women and girls in rural areas during lockdown. (Itcovitz & Kazimierczuk, 2020) 

Youth-led demonstrations often receive harsh criticism, such as calls for youth climate activist Greta Thunberg to “shut up and go back to school” (Dizdaroğlu, 2020). The aforementioned studies have shown that at least in Cyprus and in the UK, younger generations do not feel cared for nor listened to. It takes no great leap of faith to put forward that when a segment of the population do not feel included or validated, they would be much less inclined to participate in politics as well as vote in national elections. For states that regard young adults with apathy, it is state governments and politicians who should have the maturity to extend their empathy and inclusion to youth, if the intended result is creating and fostering political empathy in young adults. 

Furthermore, Kitanova’s research as well as the Nestlé study both show that when you foster an interest and plant seeds of knowledge in kids and younger adults, they are much likelier to want to know more and do better. It naturally follows that to inspire higher levels of political participation, young adults need to be exposed to political knowledge earlier in their lives. Political and citizenship education can and should start with government initiatives at the grassroots level. 

On the other hand, when looking at factors beyond the electoral process, within the past year alone, it is apparent that young adults and even teenagers are not lacking in their concern for the plight of the community. They have taken to the streets and writing letters to Congress, starting political movements and organizing online, protesting and rioting, for greater causes than themselves. They stepped up and displayed their passion for and dedication to saving the environment, social justice causes and weeding out racism, and in the healthcare and welfare of their fellow citizens during a global pandemic. Given all that they have done for the sake of community, it would be hard to assert that young adults are less politically engaged than their older counterparts. 

References: 

Braungart, R. C., & Braungart, M. M. (1998). Citizenship and Citizenship Education in the United States in the 1990's. IN ICHILOV, O. (Ed.) Citizenship and Citizenship Education in a Changing World. London, Woburn Press. 

Dizdaroğlu, C. (2020). Young people are campaigning for political change worldwide - but their voices are too often ignored. https://theconversation.com/young-people-are-campaigning-for-political-change- worldwide-but-their-voices-are-too-often-ignored-132893 

Itcovitz, H., & Kazimierczuk, A. (2020). Never giving up: youth voices and participation in the time of COVID-19. https://includeplatform.net/news/never-giving-up-youth-voices-participation-covid-19/ 

Jackman, R. W., & Miller, R. A. (2004). Before Norms: Institutions and Civic Culture. Ann Arbor: University of Michigan Press. 

Kitanova, M. (2018). Youth political participation in the EU: evidence from a cross-national analysis. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13676261.2019.1636951 

Laville, S., & Watts, J. (2019). Across the globe, millions join biggest climate protest ever. https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/sep/21/across-the-globe-millions -join-biggest-climate-protest-ever 

Mortimore, R. (2003). Young People’s Attitudes Towards Politics. https://www.ipsos.com/sites/default/files/migrations/en-uk/files/Assets/Docs/Archive/Polls/nfm16.pdf 

Rim, C. (2020). How Student Activism Shaped The Black Lives Matter Movement. https://www.forbes.com/sites/christopherrim/2020/06/04/how-student-activism-shaped-the-black-lives-matter-movement/?sh=5177d06a4414 

Sheerin, C. A. (2007). Political Efficacy and Youth Non-Voting: A Qualitative Investigation into the Attitudes and Experiences of Young Voters and Non-Voters in New Zealand. https://ir.canterbury.ac.nz/handle/10092/962

Friday, April 9, 2021

KÁRMÁN LINE

I have had the most tiring week. I am tired of tiring weeks, and months, and days, and years. This morning, I presented my Indigenous Gender project with my groupmate who lives in Vancouver. Her name is Alessia. She was quarantined for two weeks because the mother of the kid she nannies had Covid. I had a great time chatting with her for hours this past week, doing our project and getting to know each other and our families. I have a screenshot of Alessia being really shocked and laughing when I told her I was 30. She thought I was 18. I woke up at 5.15am this morning to present the project at 5.30am, I think our professor and classmates were impressed and it was a job well done. I am tired of online classes and will be so, so glad when we can all be rid of them. I have three more weeks of school. I have an exam, and three essays to go. 

This past week, I have just realised how much I’d yet to be aware of in myself. I’m scared Lucas hates me. When we ended things, he said he’d look forward to one day when we were friends again, but I’m really sad thinking of if he changes his mind and doesn’t care about me anymore. Sometimes, I think I would be a prime candidate for cancer. There has been so much cortisol in my system for such long periods in my life. My mother had cancer when she was about forty years old. I am so tired of the stress and the unhappiness.

I look forward to being in Canada, and rooting myself in nature, and forest bathing, and putting away my phone to be present, wherever I am. After going through this entire week, I have realised that I have a different notion of love. I think I have had enough of fiery passionate flame-like love. I don’t want and I don’t need the heart-pumping love of racing through a desert wasteland. I don’t want a two-week whirlwind winter romance in the greatest city in the world. I just want the comfort and safety of loving a man who loves me back. I want the warmth and pacifying feeling I get when I am self-soothing and place my hand over my heart, to calm myself when I am overwhelmed by my emotions in public.

In life, I’ve always had the mindset of wanting to experience everything at least once. I want to take all the drugs. I want to try polyamory. I think life is so short and time-limited, I want to do all the things! Then I realise, my mental health is not intact. I am not an average privileged white man who has gone through life relatively unscathed. I take everything seriously, I go through life fiercely and furiously, and when things end, as things do, I am the one who crashes and burns. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I have made enough mistakes in life, I’ve seen my parents make enough mistakes in theirs, and I think it’s time. I’m ready to start building. I forgive myself for everything I’ve done to date, I forgive myself for not knowing better, for hurting other people from a place of hurt.

I’ve been having a sharp, stabbing pain in my heel, and it’s either a splinter I can’t find, remnants of when I slipped and injured myself on the overhead bridge last week, or a case of plantar fasciitis. I’ve never had that last one before, and I suppose my Nike sneakers that I wear to work are really worn out now, so I need to get new shoes, which means a higher expenditure this month. Sigh. I need that 100K to heal me and my life.

Thursday, April 8, 2021

PALO SANTO

I've been using Instagram much less often the past few days and I'm trying to keep it that way. I don't want to be tempted to search for and view Lucas' profile, the last time I viewed it last week broke me and I'm broken enough to ever go through any more. I am mentally ill and I just need to protect my headspace. Please be kind to me, and help me believe I deserve it. Please.
 

my soul I am broken by you
one morning I'll wake up renewed
don't go love
I need you to stay
my soul I am broken today


and I will work out what it meant
and I will mend you in the end
'cause I'll do anything, I love you
love you
I'll do anything, I love you
love you


it may not be easy to see
but I'm ready
I need to believe

and I will work out what it meant
and I will mend you in the end
'cause I'll do anything, I love you
love you
I'll do anything, I love you
love you

Eleanor: I was never good at being sad. Partly because my mom straight-up told me not to be. But this is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?

Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East. 

Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.

Chidi: Picture a wave, in the ocean. You can see it, measure it - its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water, is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. That's one conception of death, for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be. 

Eleanor: Not bad, Buddhists.

Chidi: Not bad. None of this is bad.



The caption of this series has not much to do with the images. These photos were taken two weeks ago. I don’t always feel the way I look or portray myself to look. I have mental health issues, stemming from my childhood experiences, and even experiences I’ve had as an adult. In the past week, I’ve cried so much, people who’ve seen me on the train were worried about me, they’d stop talking among themselves to steal glances at me, blowing snot into my mask (otherwise I’d have had to remove my mask and get fined???). In the past six days, I sat again in and with my post-breakup feelings. Whenever I go through a breakup, so many more feelings surface than perhaps would happen for a non-mentally ill person. I’m worried that I’m unable to accept happiness, I suffered depression for years after hearing tough words from my mother. I’ve pushed away so many people I’ve cared for and who have cared for me, I wonder if I’m just going to abandon everyone before they abandon me like my father did. I want to heal myself from these invisible wounds before I venture into another relationship. I was not fair to my ex-boyfriend, and I loved him, I truly did. I want to be comfortable with the knowledge that even if a relationship ends, the love in such relationships was real and true, and can always be. I’m scared to forge close connections and to let people in, I hope the people I love now, my friends, I hope I never push them away, I hope nobody else allows me to. These images were captured for a casting that led to a shoot for products I truly am impressed by and would use (founded by women for women), and I can’t wait to see the final images!

Tuesday, April 6, 2021

WHENEVER YOU’RE READY

I watched a scene about a stillbirth today and it threw me off-balance, or even more off-balance if possible. In the span of ten minutes, my brain went through all the bad things that have happened in my life. Unstable parents, my father serially cheating, leading to the partner of someone he solicited sex from asking me to advise him, being strung along by someone who was cheating on his fiancée, having a miscarriage, my mother telling me the miscarriage was a blessing because it was premarital, even with my knowledge that I was premaritally conceived, the time a stranger followed me up the staircase landing and flashed his penis with no remorse at all, whilst I was shaking and trembling all the way home and when I reached home, then being guilted by my mother that I’d reached home so late. I never felt enough for my parents so I’ll never be enough for myself and no one will ever be enough for me. Today all my brain told me was, you don’t deserve happiness. If anyone in this family were to ever end their life, it would be me because I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in an afterlife, and I’m not scared of anything happening to me after death. I think I need antidepressants. I’m not very well in this moment. All I am is tired.

Saturday, April 3, 2021

FAIT ACCOMPLI

When I first met Lucas, one of the first things I saw him post was an Instastory that said “healing is not linear”. How apt, or how curious it is, that it describes how I am, at the end of the relationship. When I broke up with him, I’d expected to hurt right after the breakup, so I gave myself a little time and space to hurt. I listened to Taylor Swift’s saddest songs, and I thought I was healed. I didn’t picture myself four months later, being awake at extreme times, pushing my brains to expand a little bit more, to learn a little bit more, to churn out words for just a little while longer. I didn’t see myself working two jobs, running to photoshoots, juggling earning an income and simultaneously spending it all on educating myself, with no one by my side. In 2019 to the end of 2020, in all my tumultuous times, when I was learning, when I was growing, when I was literally pushing the boundaries of the person I was to become the person I am, Lucas was always, constantly by my side. Now he is not. I suppose I am grieving the loss of his consistency, the solidity he provided. The grief is overwhelming me, I did not expect it and therefore sometimes, at the mention of any word I associate with Lucas, I start crying, at work, during a shoot, while in a class at 2am. Currently I have makeup on, waiting for my turn to model for some photos to advertise a product that I actually would use and advocate (I’ll talk about it when it’s out and ready). At this moment, typing about this, I am grieving and trying not to cry so my makeup stays intact. The tears will come and they have come. They say you will never truly get over the people whom you love, and I suppose that’s one way of knowing I did love Lucas. Also, fuck the non-monogamy thing. There is no way in hell I could do that in the next five years. I don’t have anything against his new partner, I know Lucas and I trust they will be happy together, and I’m happy to know that, but at the same time, Jesus Christ, it does hurt to see him with someone else. I don’t know how to reconcile humankind’s history of communal families and having multiple partners ingrained in our DNA, and the conditioning we’ve all had to commit to one individual for the rest of our lives. But that’s not a question I have to figure out now. I’m also really not even the type to fuck around, despite what some people think I’ll be doing in Canada. I’ve got two new vibrators since the breakup, but I haven’t slept with anyone since Lucas. I haven’t even kissed anyone since Lucas. I fully advocate for people doing whatever they want with their bodies, but unfortunately I’m not a no-strings-attached kind of person. I have a gazillion strings attached to the person I am. When we first got together, I truly did envision living out the rest of my life with Lucas, and I grieve the loss of that. I’ve decided, when I next date, I want to be fully intentional. I want to be healed and self-aware, and I want it to be long-lasting. I want a really long dating period, of at least six months, to gauge if it’s a person I can and really want to commit to, before even putting any label on a relationship. I really don’t want to go through another breakup, I think I’ve had enough in my life and I’m not doing well at all with this one.

WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB

I am in great pain. Please help me. 
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me. 
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.
I am in great pain. Please help me.

Friday, April 2, 2021

SKID ROW

but what is grief,
if not love persevering?

I’ve had quite the week. Or maybe the month. The year? An entire life? Yesterday I met my cousin Hazwani, and I told her about having seen Lucas with another girl on his Instagram. We went to The Projector, it’s the only independent cinema in Singapore, and Lucas liked it, aesthetic kid that he is. We used to like going there together, of course it was the location of our first date, and many more after that. Hazwani and I took pictures at the photobooth in The Projector. We laughed over our silly rhymes, pretending to be “writers” like Lang Leav and Rupi Kaur. My cousin is truly one of my best friends, I love her, she’s seen me through so much, through everything in my life I guess, but it did make me miss Lucas, who was my best friend for close to two years. It was raining heavily yesterday, I slipped on an open staircase and fell five steps down, breaking the fall with my bum and left arm. My arm is bruising, and both my cousin and I were completely shocked for a while, but I told her I’d get over it. I’m not too bothered by physical injuries anymore, I think it’s a lululemon thing. My arm is bruised, it takes two or three weeks to heal, it goes away forever. What worries me is my heartbreak. You get heartbroken, you spend three nights sobbing. You think you’re done. But then you see your ex with someone else. It starts all over again. I miss Lucas. I don’t know in what capacity. Yes, I took him for granted when we were together. I enjoyed his company, being my partner, he was also my best friend. While we were on lockdown, it was his money that went towards my therapy sessions. He never treated me like I needed to be fixed, he’d just let me be however I had to be, let me go through whatever I had to go through. He was really good for me, and I know I loved him, but I don’t know if I knew how to love him. When I was young, my parents would have violent fights, and they’d make up, and I thought that was love. Their fights would involve one of them telling me to throw away a peace-making gift from the other, and the other one telling me I’d better not throw it away. Their fights were the kind that resulted in one of them smashing in the windscreen of the other’s rented car. My parents were not stable people, I don’t know if I can say they are stable people now, and I’m clearly not stable either. I miss Lucas being dependable and stable. I don’t know if I broke up with him because we weren’t compatible, or I’m not equipped to love. Why do I crave love from people who barely give me any attention? I’m an emotionally attached person. If I can feel for people in third-world nations I’ll probably never get to visit, if I can harbor feelings for someone I met in LA five years ago, if I can still recall the romance I had with a man I spent two weeks in New York with, you’d best believe my memory will not let slip a man I spent two years being best friends with. He was a solid, dependable, soft, funny, loving and considerate man, and I will always love him. If anything, I just hope people know I loved them, I love them, and I tried my best to love them. I know not all relationships are meant to last forever, I know sometimes you just have to enjoy things in their season, but I just want to know whether I had the right reasons, I just want to know my reasons. My heart hurts, and my body is banged up from the fall. I cannot stop crying, and I want the stages of grief to be over. I’m in pain, everywhere and I just want to know when it will end.