Wednesday, February 27, 2019


Some nights will always be harder than others. You will not know why. I do not know why. I just know that I am happy for you, you who have found somebody to lean on, who have found someone who's got something you need, have found a darling who has stood by you and will stand by you. The thing is just that I am ready to be that person and I don't know where that person for me is. Tonight is a tough one and I don't know why. Some nights like tonight, when I don't feel very good, I am actually reminded of when I was much younger, maybe up to the age of ten. When I was at my dad's apartment, I don't know why, but I somehow knew clearly that being at his place, on weekends with or without my mom, did not make me happy. I would stay up at night, either crying silently or just not being able to sleep. I don't know why, I just didn't feel safe, or maybe I didn't feel loved. It wasn't so much as anything that ever happened, I can't explain but I just didn't feel good or cared for. Feelings are feelings are feelings, and you know, in retrospect, I can't really remember what went on at any point of time to tell you why I felt such and such as a kid. I don't like tonight, because it makes me remember bad nights as a kid. That's all. It will pass.


So the scene where Chidi and Eleanor receive a montage from Michael, has actually been cut by NBC themselves and is on Youtube. It's all in the soundtrack I think, they use Lost Fur from Where The Wild Things Are and wahhhh, it just shreds away at my heart. I really want to find my Chidi and not be separated from him. Today I thought I should really learn to drive, and of course, of course I remember the first and only time I was allowed to drive. 9000 miles away from where I am, in the parking lot of a Kaiser Permanente. Did you know Ken Jeong used to work at Kaiser, when he was a practising physician? When you go somewhere with all your heart, you will leave pieces of it, pieces of yourself everywhere. I want to find a partner, whom I can drive with, by my side for years and years and years. I don't want to leave them behind and have to forget them. Ah Jesus, The Good Place is the ultimate worst.