Monday, March 04, 2019

DELICATE FUCKING FLOWER

So I did some work today but I also spent half an hour doing this for my desktop. I mean... Time that you enjoy is not time wasted, right?


Today, I had a guy that I matched but never met in New York, suddenly text me, and he said he was up to video chat if I was. I no longer had the text conversation or his number so did not know who he was, at all. I said I was back in Singapore, and he said he knew, so that means he must be following me somewhere, and that would also mean he would know about Ben. I declined his invitation and told him I'd gone through the online dating with someone else (Adam) only to find out we weren't what we expected each other to be. And then in the afternoon, my first ex-boyfriend, the one whom I never felt strongly for, also asked if I was up for coffee. He's also married, and he usually works overseas but he's back for a short break. I'm not really interested 'cos I wouldn't say we're friends, we don't keep in touch and never talk, so I don't know why we would even have coffee. To be honest, the only people I would ever want to meet again are probably Joey and Bennett. Joey, because I remember listening to this podcast where a woman meets a man who had once slept with her with a grey area of consent, and this had happened way back before date rape was a thing. They met, even after each of them had moved on and started families and it became a story of reconciliation and recovery, of sorts. If that kind of thing could give me closure, I wouldn't mind meeting Joey. I'm not hell-bent on it, but I'm not against it. However, I really think every other man I used to date needs to stay the hell away, I'm running out of excuses to give as to why I'm not interested in meeting. I just don't see a point. If we're not already friends, I don't want to be friends. (Just in case you needed this disclaimer, I'm not saying Joey ever did anything without my consent, I just meant we went through a weird, negative thing that I perhaps took really long to move on from, I don't know if it's possible to get closure, I don't even know if closure is a real thing. Also, every time I thought I could get closure from my dad by trying to be on healthy terms with him, he just disappoints me, until I just decided you know, I cannot and will not waste any more energy on this. Some people are just never going to be worth the effort and forgiveness. So closure? Can it happen? Who knows?)

DUNNING-KRUGER

Thanks to Viv, I watched Behind The Curve on Netflix, it's about people who believe that the Earth is flat and that conventional science and education are all conspiracies. Tim Urban appears on it, along with psychiatrists and CalTech astrophysicists, other science writers. The flat-earthers are divided, most of them can be clearly seen to have some kind of personality disorder, a delusion of sorts, they're paranoid and whatever. They conduct their own experiments to prove there is no curvature to the world, and when the results don't corroborate their theories, they come up with other excuses as to why it doesn't work. They believe the sun and the moon are just hanging from the sky on top of a flat plane and that we are all in a dome like in the set of The Truman Show. I mean??¿¿?¿? It is very weird and my sisters were also saying "how can anyone believe the earth is flat?" And yet, and yet, if I asked my mother and grandmother what they think about evolution, and vaccines, and whether the Earth is flat, they would probably scare me with their answers. It is mentioned in the documentary that sometimes flat-Earthers can seem like ordinary people, living among us. My youngest sister who is fifteen years old doesn't even know if she believes in dinosaurs. It's like, it always seems ridiculous when someone else believes something slightly off-base, but it's so hard to believe something you've always held to be true, to be the thing that's off-base. People just cherry-pick what they want to believe and leave whatever they find undesirable.

PATRIOT ACT

The new episode of Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj is about civil rights under the Trump administration, and it basically highlights how Ben Carson, Betsy DeVos, Wilbur Ross etc, work against the very communities they're supposed to protect. It really is sad to see that the only problem the show has is in choosing which cases to even expound on and explain, because the administration just seems to be doing worse and worse things all the time.

So I was talking to a friend at work yesterday, and she asked me whether I was planning to date again. I told her I was waiting to see how my school applications will go, 'cos I applied to study either psychology or women and gender studies, at four different colleges in New York, 'cos I just applied through CUNY. The results will be out starting March 18, and if I do get in, I'd be starting school in fall this year, right.

I said I didn't feel there was a point in dating now, 'cos I might (or might not, I don't know) be leaving in the third quarter of the year to study for four years in the US. She said I should just have fun, go out for dinners, just enjoy the company, and not take things too seriously, 'cos she's engaged to be married at the end of the year, and she misses just dating around. She's not even the first girl friend who has told me this in the past two weeks.

The thing is I really admire and you could even say I envy people who can do that. I always try to do things like that and it never works out. I'm not an easy-breezy casual dater, even if I do think people should date around before getting married.

Look, I remember the things people say and do, way beyond what the people probably even meant or intended to. Nick said I was the first person to have made him come after he'd gotten a divorce from his ex-wife, which I then realized was an exact line that happened in Friends. I met Nick in 2015, four years ago, when I went to LA the first time.

I remember Joey's number, which drives me insane, because those are nine digits I haven't texted for close to two years. I've changed my phone twice and gotten a new laptop since, and the number is lodged stubbornly in my brain. For goddamn what? I don't even know. I remember Adam putting on a record while he cooks his dinner.

I remember all the things about all the men I've dated, the one who had an STD, the one who doesn't believe in monogamy, the one whose parents recently got divorced once their kids had grown up, the one who got cheated on. I remember Ben telling me about Tux wanting to sniff at drinks and food in human dishes, just to know what it is, without any interest in actually consuming it.

On my timeline of my brain, you could slice a tiny portion and I would be able to pan in on it and magnify it for you. So no, I really don't think imma try to date casually anymore. Me outtie! Me outtie! I'M OUT!