Saturday, February 10, 2018

MOCKINGBIRD

I received a text from Adam close to an hour ago, it was a long apology for how he had hurt me. The funny thing is I didn’t have either Adam’s nor Joey’s number stored in my phone so for all of three minutes, I thought it was an apology from Joey, finally. Then I saw the area code and some of the things in the text and realised, hey it’s Adam, the man I still love and from whom I don’t even expect an apology.

We FaceTimed for a while, I showed him Mochi with her little bandaged leg. Arina was holding Mochi up, so she asked me who I was FaceTiming so I said “Adam” — she asked “you’re still together?” and despite every iota of me wanting to say yes we were, I said “no, we’re not.”

We ended the call within half an hour because I think he needs sleep before he spirals even further, but if we had talked for any longer I would have probably said “I love you”: which, given the both of us, doesn’t need to be said, because we both know it’s true, anyway.

I didn’t tell him about Hang the DJ or The Shape of Water, or all the things that had been building up in my head, I just watched him rub his eyes and ruffle his hair and make his cute sounds while covering half his face like he used to do, and I thought, this one’s mine.

OH NO

I woke up feeling a little dehydrated, a little virusy, a little on the... unwell side. But I am not falling sick. Next week I have five days off, and there will be reunion dinner and Lunar New Year goodies and snacks, and I am supposed to enjoy myself and taste food and. I am not falling sick. Body, you hear me? One more week. Just hold on one more week. Please do this for me. We can do this. I will sleep more for now if you want me to. I will eat fruits and vegetables! Antibiotics! All the things!

Oh no.

EVEN MY FEELINGS HAVE FEELINGS

I got home tonight and found that my mum had gotten me the cutest hooded pink parka from esprit, and it was placed in its paper bag on my bed. It is so adorable and I love it and I’m gonna wear it for years. I wore it to my sister’s/grandma’s room and my grandma said in Malay that now I wouldn’t need an umbrella, which was exactly what I thought, too. Apparently it was my youngest sister who thought it was nice, but my mother got it for me instead. (Inb4 you feel too bad for Arina: remember she Did get her desired Fall Out Boy concert tickets.) I cried when I saw the jacket, hahahah, I know it makes me sound like a basketcase but I dunno, it’s tough to navigate things like this with my mum because I mean I know she loves me in her own way, but then I want to do things that she doesn’t approve of, that she thinks is an affront to herself as a person, and then I don’t feel loved again, and erghhhh. It just feels really nice when people do nice things for me unexpectedly.

NICK CAVE & THE SEEDLESS GRAPES

This song is the accompaniment to one of my favourite scenes in a film, when Harry takes Hermione, removes the Horcrux from her, and they dance together in the tent, all with the awareness of Harry’s impending face-off with Voldemort. I also like the song itself for its own imagery. It strikes me as a very happysad song. It’s almost happy, but it’s not, and so close to being sad, yet isn’t quite. There is a tinge of hope, just like when Hermione set down the Horcrux. Or like, even if there is sadness, the oblivion to the sadness is... I dunno, it’s enviable. If you don’t feel sad at a situation that is rightfully sad, then is the situation actually a sad one? Or is it happy because you have no cognizance of it being sad? Am I tired and rambling? The answer to that last question is most definitely a resounding yes.

hey little train, we’re jumping on
the train that goes to the kingdom
we’re happy, Ma, we’re having fun
and the train ain’t even left the station

hey little train, wait for me
I once was blind, but now I see
have you left a seat for me?
is that such a stretch of the imagination?

hey little train, wait for me
was held in chains, but now I’m free
I’m hanging in there, don’t you see
in this process of elimination

This has nothing to do with anything but I just sneezed unexpectedly, a little violently, and spat some spittle onto my phone. My phone is disgusting. In fact, everything I own is quite germy. Hehehehe. How I have a best friend who is a hygiene freak, is beyond me. We are star-crossed best friends.

This has nothing to do with anything, part 2. Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth started playing on Spotify and I just realised it is the sound of putting in a coin and the dialing of an old-school phone? I dunno if I never heard it because my earphones didn’t sound like these headphones, or I just never noticed. Huh.