IN MY HEAD

My sister just received a call that her appeal to go back to school was approved. She'd been automatically removed due to failing the same module twice, and her attendance was poor. My sister has had anxiety and depression, and she hasn't taken well to any therapist she's seen, so she hasn't gone consistently, and when faced with difficult situations like a module she's already failed, she would tend to avoid it rather than put in more effort for it. Last week, we went to talk to a panel of her course mentors and teachers, and I had to do most of the talking 'cos Lyssa is an introvert, I had to bring across her thoughts so that they would understand her. So they would trust that she wants this, and that she would henceforth be more consistent with therapy and that her drive and grit would be sustainable until she graduates. The funny thing is the module she failed is a Math one, and my best friend is an engineer and could and would have helped her all the way. I think sometimes we are too scared to accept our weaknesses and flaws when there is no need to be. We all have weaknesses and need help, even if they're all in different aspects of our lives.

I told my best friend Han that the appeal was successful, and I wish I would get the same news for my own school application. Han said pseudo mom duties really suit me. Just yesterday in Homecoming I read the line "you can't be what you can't see", a line I really believe in. It's mostly used to explain why women don't succeed in certain industries, like STEM, because they don't see their women peers doing it or having done it. You can use it as an excuse not to do something, or you can use it as the reason you do something, so that the people after you will have less of an excuse. In my head, I have this vision of setting up an almost sort-of halfway home, for kids who don't feel safe or accepted in their homes. It could be due to believing in a different religion or no religion at all, it could be due to poor performance in school, it could be for kids who have failing mental health issues who are not being advocated for properly by their parents, for people who are exploring their fluid genders and sexualities. I'm not sure if I will ever get the capital to set this up, but I have this vision. Even though my mom was not equipped to be the right mother for me through my miscarriage situation, I don't want to excuse myself that I would not be a good mother because I didn't see the values I can emulate from my own birth mom. I want to foster and advocate for surrogate children and even adults who are being failed, and I want to be the responsible adult despite what the system has allocated me. There are too many people who don't feel safe and supported in their natural birth homes, and they're not being allowed to succeed where they naturally would. You can't be what you can't see, and I want to be the person they can and they do see, so they really do become whoever it is they want to be.

This is why I applied to study psychology or women and gender studies, so I can understand people and perhaps advise and counsel them better. I want this halfway house to be the family they perhaps never got but rightfully deserve. I'm thinking there are this type of shelters in the US, but I don't think it's as prevalent in Singapore, but I'm not sure.

WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK

I watched Beyoncé's Homecoming on Netflix and it was brilliant. The marching band, her backup singers and dancers, Destiny's Child, the execution of everything was perfectly in sync and it blew my mind. She also talks about historically black colleges and universities, and how putting together her show for Coachella made her entire ensemble feel like a HBCU. I would highly recommend it.

I also watched Someone Great, from which came this monologue that Gina Rodriguez's character wrote down into a book:

Do you think I can have one more kiss? I'll find closure on your lips, and then I'll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I'll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time. One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the one mores, they will equal a lifetime, and I'll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that's not real, is it? There are no more one mores. I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me, but not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn't just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don't break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I'll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it'll always be. And we were magic. 

It's one of those feel-good films, kinda? I mean, it did make me cry because it's about a nine-year relationship that ended and the sad, sad breakup but it's also about ending things amicably, and about the friends that have your back through such phases in life.

Yesterday I read a line that said "love shouldn't be a metric in relationships" and perhaps something I would identify closer with is that love shouldn't be the only metric in relationships. I also read today that just because your relationships end should not necessarily mean that they were or are failed relationships. If you've grown beyond each other, and you break up to allow each other to grow, then in many ways I think that's a success. Staying together when there is no personal growth nor growth in the partnership is a failure even if the relationship continues.

I think it's really quite hard to adopt such a mindset in Singapore, because a lot of the society here are either religious or conservative. The idea that you can break up and be alone and be healthier when you're alone while having had a successful ended relationship isn't a pervasive one, and moreover the community I come from is Muslim. The more "failed relationships" I've had and the more partners I've had in my life, the higher the likelihood is that the people I come home to are looking down on me like I'm "used goods" or that there is something wrong with me that no one wants to pick me, instead of the fact that maybe I just have not found real happiness and I'd rather date around and find out instead of settling.

I've grown so much, through all my relationships and dating experiences. I'm happy with myself, for trying time and again. I've learnt so much about people, about myself, etc etc. To be honest, I really think every time something gets me down, I just gotta keep watching and reading things to reframe my mindset.