YOUR EX-LOVER REMAINS DEAD

try as he might, he’s unable to speak
he grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek
the bed is unmade, like everything is
dark little heaven at the top of the stairs

take me like that, ruin it all
then build it again by the light in the hall
he drops to his knees, says
“please, my love, please —
I’ll kill who you hate, take off that dress,
you won’t freeze”

one more night
that was a good one
one more night
the end should be a good one

he starts with her back ‘cos that’s what he sees
when she’s breaking his heart,
she still fucks like a tease

release to the sky
look him straight in the eye
and tell him that, now,
that you wish he would die

you’ll never touch him again
so get what you can
bleeding him empty just because he’s a man

so good when it ends
they’ll never be friends
one more night
that’s all they can spend there

I was walking at the train station, and had my headphones on, and someone was trying to get my attention, to sell either insurance or souvenirs or who-even-knows-what, but I had no time nor interest for it, and was walking away, but he held my arm, and I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell don’t touch me, because you shouldn’t touch anyone unless they say they are okay with it, but I didn’t, I smiled apologetically, shrugged him off and walked away.

I was reading a little on the lawsuit between Kesha and her sexual abuser, Dr Luke (about whom other female artistes have even said they don’t trust and that he’s shady, so). In the New York lawsuit, the judge (who is sadly a female, and women who are not allies to other women are scum, srsly #yesallmen #andsomewomen) threw out Kesha’s appeal. One of the reasons cited were that the sexual assault incidents “alleged” by Kesha only happened twice of the many years they had been working together.

I mean, the law is such bullshit. Anyone with money can corrupt it. As if sexual abuse/assault only affects you during the time it happens, instead of changing the person you are, taking away a person’s agency over their own body, messing up their trust in people and the world. As if you can count, oh it only happened 2/365 times out of the three years you’ve known this person, so the other (365x3)-2 days this person is okay and you can trust them. As if it’s an aberration. The fuck, seriously, why is the world like this.

28 DAYS LATER

shake it once, that’s fine
shake it twice, that’s okay
shake it three times
you’re playing with yourself

It is February, the month with 28 days! If I had a second favourite month after May, it would be February fo sho. I think this Feb is going to be super great, I’m really looking forward to it.

On a not related note, because our house wifi router is the furthest from my room and therefore my wifi sucks when I’m in bed, I just purchased 20GB for $20 from Circles, my mobile provider, on top of my base plan, so now I have about 27GB per month, or roughly 1GB per day.

What on Earth am I going to do with one gig of data per day? Watch more porn, perhaps. Although: there’s no point in me watching porn ‘cos I don’t do anything with myself. You see, when it feels really wrong for someone else to touch you, it continues to feel wrong to touch yourself too. I should go for sex therapy.

Sarah Mei Lyana: pushing boundaries on what to share on social platforms, all day err day. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

COME AS YOU ARE

Today one of my colleagues played emo songs (here I go, so dishonestly, leave a note / when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight) and I thought of Fall Out Boy, I don't know why. I used to listen to them circa Thks Fr th Mmrs/Dance Dance/Sugar, We're Going Down, but haven't really listened to their recent music.

This April I'll be going to see FOB live with my sisters, the three whom I live with, because the youngest loves them. I feel like I'm more of a chaperone, I AM SO OLD. Need to catch up with discography since my high school years of more than a decade ago.

I also had my staff review done today, and of all the things my manager said (lasted about an hour), one of it really struck me as superbly touching. Yay I am so happy and grateful.

I am at the third section of The Road Less Travelled, which talks about the relationship between psychotherapy and religion. It reminds me of when Han (my best friend: sometimes there are just such random people reading this, I wonder if y'all know who all the people in my life are??) asked me last week, whether I was just acting out against my mum with all my newfound "hardcore" atheism.

I suppose perhaps a little bit of it could be me being perverse, but it isn't like every time I say or write something, she hears or reads it, so it's not all for her benefit, or non-benefit. I dunno, my mother did use religion a lot as a screen for being domineering and for having me/us depend on her and to dictate every move, so maybe growing up into my own person and not seeing my mother as all-wise and all-knowing also means I don't see a higher entity as all-wise and all-knowing.

I also really think I'm much better off not believing in any god. Did you know, that at twenty-seven years old, I have only recently started not being scared going to sleep in the complete darkness? I figure that if God doesn't exist, neither do all the weird supernatural beings that exist along with the realm of God, and there is nothing to be scared of in the dark. I only learned that at twenty freaking seven, jesus christ.