Thursday, October 17, 2019

STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT

'cos all of the stars
have faded away
just try not to worry
you'll see them someday
take what you need
and be on your way
stop crying your heart out

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

I'M NOT A BAD PERSON

Yesterday, news broke that Sulli, a celebrity in the Korean pop industry, had ended her life, because she had received malicious comments from online trolls. She was outspoken about her feminism and it wasn't perceived well by the Korean community. They hated on her even for having her "free the nipple" beliefs. Beyond just the hate comments, the Korean idol industry has always been rife with strict routines, from their diets to their dating lives, and immense pressure and scrutiny into their work schedules, with little to no regard for each individual's mental or even physical health.

I found out last year that seeing celebrity suicides triggers a response in me. I saw my response at Anthony Bourdain and at Kate Spade's founder's death, and talked about it with one of my previous therapists. One of the things I learned from the community that practices therapy is when someone says "I want my life to end" they very rarely mean that they want life itself to end. Instead, they want life as they have known it to end. They don't want their own life, but if they could have another brain, another body, another sexual orientation, another life where they weren't being bullied or pressured by their community, they would want to live. People commit suicide when they don't see a way out of the lives they have somehow gotten into, and they can't get the help they need. It didn't help Sulli that Korean netizens spew vitriolic remarks on a daily basis. One of them even said she only did it for attention, despite the fact that Sulli is no longer around to receive any attention now that she's dead. Before she died, Sulli had a post where she said "I'm not a bad person."

Another thing I learnt from therapy is if you numb yourself from bad feelings, you will also numb yourself to the good. So I sat with my poorly feelings tonight. I thought about my mother, telling me that nothing I do ever makes her happy, that I have contributed nothing in my adulthood. I know she has tried to reframe her words but the fact is, why do people ever say such things? I understand moments of anger, like say you're waiting for your food at a restaurant and you tell them off for bringing the wrong order, I get that. At what point, though, does a person stop caring at all about another human life as to make a judgment call on their worth as a human being? How does a choice of hairstyle turn someone into a bad person? How much can I try to receive some validation for the self-worth I yearn for, only to have it knocked down again?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to sleep.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

CARTOON NETWORK

The entire day I have been thinking that eleven and fifty-eight make sixty-nine. I don't know why. I remember one of them had 1158 tattooed on their arm and I asked whether it was to help them get home when they're shit wasted. I wonder if that was true. I don't know what I feel about Kanye but I realized I somehow actually know more of his song lyrics than I thought I did. Baby I got a plan, run away fast as you can. Run away from me, baby, run away.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

UNTITLED GOOSE GAME

In the repertoire of things Lucas and I have done together, we have put together an IKEA bedframe. He got a new bed because he's always had a single and obviously we need more space for the both of us. I hope we sleep better now. I have found that I am actually more methodical and systematic than he is, I kept having to bring him back to the manual so we could follow the diagrams but he would simply slot in the parts and screw them on without checking they were the correct parts. His motto was to fail fast and learn fast. Hmmm. Today we both learned something new about bed slats, so if we ever landed on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and that appears as a question, we could be one step closer.

Tuesday, October 08, 2019

NON-DECISIONS


This is still my favorite movie. I don't know if it will always remain my favorite movie, but it has been so for the past three years. I think I like it a lot because it reminds me of being young, and of being in love. I think I'm kinda more of an "adult" now, I have plans and I'm working on professional goals, etc. I have a little more of a pragmatic stance to love and relationships. Once upon a time, I loved the idea of love and believed in it wholeheartedly, I would wait for a charming prince to sweep me off my feet, we would dance among the stars, just like in La La Land. Sure, it's a frivolous film somewhat, but it's so beautiful. I love the idealism of it. It breaks my heart, all the time, thinking of the what-ifs, the could-have-beens, the consequences to all the alternative decisions I could have made in my life. Los Angeles holds so much beauty in my eyes, and I will always have the softest of spots for it in my heart. Oh, to be young and free and happy. I wish I didn't sound so jaded.

Monday, October 07, 2019

HE ALREADY IN MY DM'S

So, in the past two weeks, the news in Singapore has been that another student from NUS was not fairly punished after having molested a woman, because his university grades showed he had "potential to excel in life".


Preetipls, being our sole vigilante, took to Youtube to release a Truth Hurts parody of the situation.

In other news of my own life, I've been living with Lucas for the past week. I came home a week ago having dyed my hair pink. I'd always wanted a head full of pink hair, seeing as it's my favorite color. My mother went apeshit, she ranted and said I'd contributed nothing to the house even after a decade of adulthood, and that nothing I do ever makes her happy. My sisters were as upset as I was, and I cried with two of my sisters that night. Then I packed a suitcase and left to live with Lucas. My mom has tried to gaslight me and said that she meant differently than what she rambled on that night, but I'm done! I don't need to live in an environment that's unhealthy for me and that tries to mould me into something I'm not. She's right, I'm 29, I can make my own decisions, especially what color I want my hair to be.

You can bet your bottom dollar I'll be taking photos of myself with pink hair because I'm 100% that bitch. There's been a lot of change in my life that I'm still trying to ease into, so the photos will have to take a backseat for now.