Monday, July 8, 2019


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When I was growing up, I was afraid to express my feelings. I learnt to depend on a love that was conditional. If I didn't behave, this was how I would be treated. If I disappointed my parents, don't expect to be loved. So I gradually became an escapist. As far as I can remember, I've wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be Taylor Swift, to be Lin-Manuel Miranda, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. If I admired someone, I wanted to be them and tried my best to actually be just like them. They put in 10,000 hours of writing? So would I. They're completely honest with their feelings? I could be too. Then Lucas came along. He's loved me with a love I had never known, felt, nor expected, but I'm learning. I feel so special by the way he treats me. I feel like he sees me the way I've always wanted to be. I feel like I am worth so much that for the first time in my life, I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, and I want to love him and be loved by him. #love #couple #photobooth
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It is the third day of my period and this is already my third period I've had since being in a relationship with Lucas. My cramps are still constant, but Lucas has been taking care of me with a rubber waterbottle filled with hot water, and now I have some sanitary products at his place. There is already more color in his room since we got together, there's something pink of mine hanging on his clothes rack, there is the purple Taboo game we were playing. We are still getting to know each other, and hopefully I speak for both of us when I say we both love what we discover each day. I really hope everybody who wants this, finds this. I say everybody who wants this because I know it would be silly to assume this is what everyone's happiness is, some people are happy by themselves, or happiness to them is finding love or company in different people, and that's cool for them. We've booked our airbnb for the upcoming trip to New York, it's actually a train ride across in Jersey, but if I do get in school, we will be living in one of the boroughs, so there is no hurry. I'm very nervous just even thinking about going to school, I would be one of the first two people in my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins to be studying overseas. The first one went to Australia, and I will be more than twice the distance and time away.