Saturday, April 27, 2019


Not sure why I'm feeling so burned out today but I really think, after all the emotional labor I've done in my life, that I deserve to marry a man who loves me and whom I love and who can afford to let me take a break, even if for a while. I fucking hate hustling with no end, sometimes you keep working and you end up nowhere, you want to study or improve yourself and you don't receive the opportunity, you try so hard and you don't succeed. The saying "if you try and work hard enough, anything can happen" is bullshit and I hope everyone knows this. I mean, yes you can try, and yes sometimes there's a slim chance you can beat the odds, but most times nothing happens and most times no one does. I'm tired. If I hear the word "hustle" one more time today, I will kill someone. I hate people who've already earned more than enough for several lifetimes and who still perpetuate the idea that you should be hustling even when you're middle-aged and already affluent and comfortable. You have more goddamn money than you can ever spend, give that money back to society and stop telling them that the reason that money doesn't belong to them is 'cos they're not hustling enough. This idea that you're alive in this world just to hustle, hustle, hustle, needs to die. Enjoy your life. Fuck the money. Earn enough of it so you don't have to stress about rent and health issues, but fuck the money.


I met my best friends to celebrate Tiqs' birthday. We had a great time but before we all met, Han and I went to the brunch place together (because we live ten minutes away from each other and pretty much always have). So Han talked about how she'd read that I am now becoming even more open about my inability to have cum as yet, on here and everywhere else. I figure I might as well say it 'cos regardless whether anyone knew, it was still not happening for me anyway. She said it could be a little bit of a mental thing, but could also be physical, and she agrees with a lot of men that I should probably explore it by myself. It's tough because my family clearly does not condone such activities, and physically it's even more inconvenient because I currently share a room with my fifteen-year-old sister. Anyway, I was telling Han that honestly I really need to have strong feelings for a man before I lose myself and enjoy the moment, and then I get so frustrated because I can't tell the causality. Do I really like Joey and/or Bennett and that's why I enjoyed myself physically, or is it the fact that I could have pure fun with them, that made me feel strongly and miss them even now? This is ridiculous. I need to see a sex therapist. Half my misery and tension from life might be solved if I could cum. Or maybe that's pushing it, but still. I could have some release. I can't afford therapy so ranting to the internet is the next best thing. Right?