Tuesday, March 19, 2019


I finished the Drive to Survive docuseries! So now you don't have to read about me talking about F1 as if I know anything. I clearly don't, except I do know how to admire the cute drivers. When they featured the Austin circuit, someone sang Star-Spangled Banner and there is a line that says "the home of the brave." One thing that people usually describe me as is brave, and I really do want to live in the US. Anyway, the F1 is really reflective of life because the richer teams are always faster, and can always hire the better drivers. It's not really all about the racing talent. It would be perhaps more fun if every team received the same funds so they can all spend the same amounts on research and developing their engines, and the drivers received similar boosts and race on level playing fields. F1: Drive to Survive is a great look into the industry, to see the drama and politics and blood, sweat and tears that go into each race weekend and every season but ultimately, it's unfair and it just doesn't make sense to follow a sport where money means winning. I went to check my CUNY application status, and there was a video stating that the application status of submitted documents will be reflected after a month or so, jeez. There are some people who dislike me and vice versa. They don't like that I'm so self-aware and honest and conversely, I don't like people who are not honest with themselves and not self-aware. If I have to spend time with five people and be the average of their personalities, you can be sure I'm choosing the five most honest and self-aware ones. Yes, I do still have feelings for someone who has made a great influence on my life, without the person even quite meaning to, I think. It takes me no effort to admit that it's been three years and I like him, but it's okay. I have strong, lasting feelings and I spent a month with this person and since I met him, I've grown into perhaps what is an even more authentic and real me, than I ever was before. So I don't regret it at all. What I cannot stand is people who have unresolved issues and have never begun to face them straight on. You can try to give me advice as the 30-something-year-old person you are, but the way I see it, I'm braver facing the ups and downs of my brain and life, than you are. You think you're settled but you keep coming back to me. I don't have time for you. You're not wasting my time, you're wasting your own.


My bad, my bad. I really need to take in the bigger picture before saying things. They feature more of Singapore in the eighth episode. It's reportedly the most intense, thanks to the heat, humidity and tight corners. Marcus Ericsson who used to drive for Sauber has a really good sense of humor. So in Singapore, they each dip into an ice bath to cool off from the heat. Ericsson says "make sure when I come out of this, the camera focuses on the right areas, yeah, the weapon is not very big at the moment" because of the ice HAHAHAHAHAHA I laughed so hard. He didn't get renewed for 2019. Charles Leclerc got signed by Ferrari, and the entire episode is dedicated to his godfather Jules Bianchi, who died after an F1 accident. Leclerc is also goddang cute, but he's 20. Way out of my range. It's not the fact that he's a Ferrari F1 driver that makes him out of my range, mind you, it's his age. :P


The seventh episode is almost exclusively about Romain Grosjean. I almost feel pity for him, he started crashing often and got a reputation for it, it affected him and he kept doing it, and then it's basically a vicious cycle. I feel like those seasons were like representative of my life: like Sarah, what on earth are you doing, at some point, you have got to stop blaming it on bad luck???? He looks like he might have made somewhat of a comeback in the later episodes/races though, so hopefully he's not as depressed as he sounds. I feel like you'd need to have the strongest and most balanced mental health to be an f1 driver, or even anywhere in the industry. All that pressure. By the way, I was almost asleep but had to wake up to give a great big hacking cough and now my throat is dry as ever. Sigh.


If you were not afraid, what would you do? Maybe I would be a fuckgirl. Maybe people who are fuckboys and fuckgirls just listen and are in sync with what they really wanna do, and they're all happier for it. I already have a number embedded in my brain. What the hell am I struggling for? What am I waiting for? Well, I guess, I literally am waiting for school results to come in from four colleges. If I don't get in, I give the fuck up, srsly, maybe I'm just meant to slog it out and never ever go to college.