Monday, February 04, 2019

ANGELS

for New York, for Bennett, for Tina, for Cupid and Psyche, for all the guardian angels:

they would be in love, love, love
and every day I'm learning about you
the things that no one else sees
and the end comes too soon
like dreaming of angels
and leaving without them
and living without them
being as in love with you as I am
being as in love with you as I am
being as in love with you as I am
being as in love, love, love
love, love, love
love, love, love

xx

MOXIE



I spent the day with one of the greatest loves of my life, a good friend. She brought me around Central Park, where she taught me that if you donate $10000, you get your own bench and you can inscribe anything you want on a plaque. The first thing that amazed me was that there were so many people who had the $10000 to spend (it amazes me because I'm #workingclass), but the second is that they were so sweet. They were from families, employees, best friends and lovers. A lot of them were for grandparents. One of the ones that caught my eye was in memory of a Nicole E. Vest, it said "just living is not enough," said the butterfly. "One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

She talked about The Great Gatsby, and how it symbolises the great American Dream, and the striving towards that dream, and of course I identified with that. She says a lot of the time people fail, but the dream lives in trying.

We went to the Met after bird-watching in The Ramble in Central Park. At the Met, Tina told me about the story of Cupid and Psyche. I'm not much of an art person, I don't know what Impressionism means, never took art in college and I never read about it on my own. I do, however, love my stories. Tina says that the great lesson to be learned from the story of Cupid and Psyche, is that when it comes to love and romance, you shouldn't pay too much heed to advise from anyone else, but listen to your heart, and it reminded me of what I'd said to Bennett.

On Sunday, he'd a little bit of a back-and-forth on what he wanted, re: his own life, as well as what we were doing with each other. At the end of the day, when we'd settled down a bit and talked things out, he said he was worried, because he wondered what my friends would say if they knew that he'd been flippy-floppy on only the third date.

I told him, for one, the friends whom I keep company with are great people (I have great taste :P) and they are empathetic, considerate and very rarely judgmental. When I went through a miscarriage with Joey, or when I broke up with Adam (in large part due to my instability but also, eh, I guess I recognised deep down that we weren't supposed to be together), they are always saying, "well he might also be going through stuff" or "maybe he just hasn't reached the level of maturity", etc etc. They also know that everything is contextual, so they wouldn't necessarily say anything bad without knowing all angles.

For two, out of many people in the world, I think I listen to my heart quite often. If I know something is good for me, it is good for me. Even though I might have come here without a real solid plan, and I'd quit my job, and had no income, and I broke up with someone within a month of being in New York, I know it was the right thing to do.

I'd been in the US twice previously, both times in LA. LA has given me some of the most magical romantic times, but it also broke me. For the past two years, I was depressed in Singapore and I gave the power to LA to write my narrative, but I knew I had to rewrite it for myself, so I made it back to the US. I came to New York instead. I had more magical connections, I experienced more firsts, I opened myself up to more people, and I realised, the magic was not just in LA. It was in me. It is in me.

I am no longer depressed.