Tuesday, February 12, 2019


I keep thinking about how excited Ben was at having found the same exact ramen that he had had in Japan, right in Brooklyn. I had ramen with my cousin when I got back, and the restaurant had a panel of The Great Wave off Kanagawa, a banner of which Ben had in his room, and which I gave him a lapel pin of, from The Met. What does it all mean? It means nothing, but it means all the things. Nothing is absolutely good nor bad, nothing is absolutely meaningful nor meaningless. Nothing is absolutely absolute.


I met my cousin Hazwani last night, and I also had a workout session with Han today. Both times, I told them about Bennett. They separately asked things like, you're okay if he dates someone else? You don't wanna try long distance? I answered internally to myself, no I don't want him to date anyone else, and yes I do want to try long distance. But I'm unable to confirm where my life is going, not for at least a month or so, and it is unfair to expect him to wait on a word I am unsure of, not so soon after we'd just gotten to know each other. Ben did say sometime before I really had to leave, that he did want it to be me, and I do still want it to be him. I tell myself, well if he dates someone else and it works out, then good for him, I will be happy. Yet I will not be dating, I'm finally taking time to myself, to let the rest of my life fall into place. I have gone through this a couple of times before, sometimes you rush things and it still doesn't work out because it was never going to. If he and I don't find a more suitable relationship and neither of us settles for anything less, then que sera, Sarah.


I'm in the living room of my mom's apartment, listening to my sister Aqilah and her boyfriend do their homework. It's so strange how first relationships are, when girls don't yet realise what mansplaining is, or that it's being done to them, and they don't call it out. I don't say it out loud, because I think people should be able to make their own decisions and learn from them but wow, what a learning curve that is. I'm leaving home in a bit to go for a swim with Han, I hope that helps to set my sleep pattern to something that remotely resembles those of the people living in this country. This post is here to serve no real purpose besides giving me something to do to keep myself awake. I miss Ben. Mochi reminds me of Tux.