Friday, March 15, 2019


needless to say, I keep her in check
she was all bad-bad, nevertheless (yeah)
callin' it quits now, baby, I'm a wreck (wreck)
crash at my place, baby, you're a wreck (wreck)
needless to say, I'm keeping her in check
she was all bad-bad, nevertheless
callin' it quits now, baby, I'm a wreck
crash at my place, baby, you're a wreck
thinkin' in a bad way, losin' your grip
screamin' at my face, baby, don't trip
someone took a big L, don't know how that felt
lookin' at you sideways, party on tilt
ooh-ooh, some things you just can't refuse
she wanna ride me like a cruise
and I'm not tryna lose

then you're left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
or you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're the sunflower
you're the sunflower

every time I'm leavin' on ya
you don't make it easy, no, no
wish I could be there for ya
give me a reason to go
every time I'm walkin' out
I can hear you tellin' me to turn around
fightin' for my trust and you won't back down
even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh
I know you're scared of the unknown (known)
you don't wanna be alone (alone)
I know I always come and go (and go)
but it's out of my control

and you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're a sunflower
I think your love would be too much
or you'll be left in the dust
unless I stuck by ya
you're the sunflower
you're the sunflower


There is a cough syrup that I really like, it's called Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa. It's a thick, sweet syrup that I like to drink sometimes even when I'm not sick, so when I'm really ill it's like my favorite thing ever. My mom knows this so she bought me individual sachets for me to bring to New York, I didn't even know they existed in such a form. You just tear one open and drink out of it, it's like a candy. That kinda small thing reminds me that my mom loves me. It's very cute, I love Nin Jiom. Anyway, I've been watching Formula 1: Drive To Survive on Netflix. It reminds me of the adrenaline I had in LA. It's a whole other world, I think. Especially for Singaporeans. It's a tiny city state here, there are too many cars and traffic lights, and speed limits mean everything, and you can't even race at night 'cos you'd get demerit points and all that. One of the lines I heard in the show, is possibly true to the type of person I am: the highs are very high, and the lows are very low. I want to experience everything, and I can't or tend not to say no to anything. I remember when I first got to know Joey, I was on his bed while he was at work. I texted him "do you work at the SpaceX, like Elon Musk's company?" and he said yes of course, because there isn't any other SpaceX. Sometimes I confuse myself because I want to be in every space possible. I want to feel the rush of racing in cars, but at the same time, I don't agree with the personal politics of a lot of rich people. For example, when I was in New York and especially when I was dating Adam, he was completely against Amazon setting up their second headquarters in the city, because it would have driven up rent and priced out regular everyday citizens who live there. This is something Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez also campaigned for, she didn't want Amazon to be set up there, which eventually really fell through. When Amazon said they were pulling out of their plans to set up in NYC, Barbara Corcoran, who is one of the sharks on Shark Tank, was immensely upset. She's a New York-based real estate mogul but on Shark Tank, she can be extremely empathetic, she's dyslexic so she used to be called the dumb girl in school, and she helps so many business owners who have reading or learning disabilities, when they come on the show to pitch their companies. It's strange, Barbara said NYC lost out on a great opportunity, but of course, she hasn't lived like the majority 99% (?) in New York for ages. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just think that there are so many layers and dimensions to everyone and everything, and it's so hard to pick and choose what the right and wrong is. In any case, I've finally started driving lessons. As a person who takes note of too many stimuli at once, I'm a little nervous about it. I do however think that if millions of people can do it, so can I. I'll let my conscious brain and unconscious brain settle it, one of them will take over the activity. I figure if I'm living on my own eventually, it would be useful to be able to drive and move my things around if it gets down to it.


A white terrorist was arrested for a mass shooting at a mosque in Christchurch. At this point of time, I wouldn't say I have much affiliation with the mosque, I think religion is illogical and I can't really see eye to eye with anybody who believes in any god, which really makes me part of a minority in Singapore, and in my community. However, I must say that regardless of religious affiliation, the white man has always been the safest, because they have constructed every possible system to keep themselves safe, whether it's in terms of politics or finance or geography or any other opportunity, and yet the white man has always been the most dangerous to other people.

(Also yes, I'm fully aware I date white people and that as a person of color, I shouldn't date my oppressor and I do remind myself to check why I'm attracted to the people I date. One of the lowest benchmarks I set for any man I date is that they acknowledge the privilege accorded to them, just based on race, if nothing else. To be perfectly honest, this is why I stopped dating British men, it may be weird to say but I hate thinking about the fact that the British colonized pretty much the entire world. So now I date Americans????)

I saw on Nina's Instagram stories that she'd shared screenshots of Tweets by @wajahatali, and here it is in its entirety:
Let me quickly explain why the Christchurch mosque shooting affects many of us, not just Muslim communities. If the shooter's manifesto and social media feed are accurate, he was inspired by a right-wing ideological infrastructure that thrives, recruits and radicalizes online. He wrote a manifesto, just like Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik. He cites right-wing personalities and military battles glorified by white nationalists, such as the Siege of Vienna in 1863 - where Europe staved off Islam apparently. Like mass murderer Breivik, he wants to punish Muslims and immigrants for allegedly invading his soil, he wants to take revenge. Notice the language of "invasion" - does it sound familiar? It should. It's used against immigrants and Muslims in America - 2018 midterms. He left behind a video, live-streamed his rampage with a camera on his head, making it like first-person video game Doom. He shared it on social media sites. He wants to be known. He is a hero, a martyr, the one brave enough to do what others can't to save "Western" civilization. Compare his methods and alleged ideology to Quebec mosque shooter Alexandre Bissonnette, who killed 6. He was a white nationalist who loathed immigrants, refugees and Muslims. Christopher Hasson, a domestic terrorist, just caught, also wanted to kill Muslims, inspired by Breivik. Compare this to the Tree of Life Synagogue shooter in Pittsburgh. He killed 11 Jewish worshippers. He shared a post on his Gad account about punishing "filthy evil Jews" for bringing in "filthy evil Muslims." This was in reference to the Soros-caravan conspiracy theory. The underlining ideology anchoring all of this is White supremacy and their main fear is "replacement." That the immigrants, Jews, blacks and Muslims will replace them, the Whites. Remember Charlottesville? "Jews will not replace us." See Steve King's Tweets about babies. Steve Bannon, Trump's former chief advisor, cites Camp of Saints as one of his favorite books. He recommends it. It's a racist novel about brown immigrants "invading" and overtaking France. White nationalists believe Jews are the head of the cabal who use the rest of us. We are dealing with angry, disaffected men, mostly White, who find purpose and community with these extremist groups who give them a hero's narrative through violent ideology of White supremacy. They are saving civilization by getting rid of the rest of us. It's like White ISIS. The victims are not just Muslims, but also Jews, immigrants, refugees, Blacks, Sikhs, Latinos and women (they really hate feminists). It's a zero-sum absolutism. No grey area. Just like ISIS. These groups are rising in the US and Europe. They have mainstream elected messengers. Pay attention. Take this extremist ideology and terror threat seriously. Be wary of politicians, academics and media heads who give it a platform and spout it under the guise of "free speech" and fighting "political correctness." Look out for each other. Love each other.


I've fallen a little bit sick. My throat is parched, I'm sneezing often, and my head aches. I was looking at an Instagram profile, one of those soulful, vegan, ~get back to your roots~ zen types (it's not someone I follow so it's not any of you). Ahhh I wish it were so easy for me. You attract what you think, the conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time so choose a positive one. This sickness will pass. I will have enough sleep when I need it. I was reading Hold Me Tight and I really need a man to love me this much. I just need One Man, who will be okay with my family background, who understands my issues inherited from my parents and how I was raised, who understands my defensiveness from several men who have just piled on my issues, who is willing to say "I will take this on and love you anyway because you're worth it", just one man. My brain hurts, I need to rest but I am on the way to work. The conscious brain can hold only one thought at a time: I am loved, I am worthy of love, I am loveable, and I will be loved.