Friday, March 15, 2019


I've fallen a little bit sick. My throat is parched, I'm sneezing often, and my head aches. I was looking at an Instagram profile, one of those soulful, vegan, ~get back to your roots~ zen types (it's not someone I follow so it's not any of you). Ahhh I wish it were so easy for me. You attract what you think, the conscious brain can only hold one thought at a time so choose a positive one. This sickness will pass. I will have enough sleep when I need it. I was reading Hold Me Tight and I really need a man to love me this much. I just need One Man, who will be okay with my family background, who understands my issues inherited from my parents and how I was raised, who understands my defensiveness from several men who have just piled on my issues, who is willing to say "I will take this on and love you anyway because you're worth it", just one man. My brain hurts, I need to rest but I am on the way to work. The conscious brain can hold only one thought at a time: I am loved, I am worthy of love, I am loveable, and I will be loved.


The phrase "staying together for the kids" is on my mind. I would reckon at least 60% of why I don't do well by myself is 'cos I yearn to be loved by a man, to prove that men don't always leave. I hate it when men disappear, and then they come back out of goddamn nowhere, it really reminds me of my dad. Please stick around, please stick around, please stick around. A couple of things Bennett said to me when we were dating resurfaced today: he said sometimes men don't stick around because they've seen that someone has gone through a lot, and there's a lot of pressure on them, they don't want to potentially add on to the hurt that's already been dealt to a person. He also said every day ends, so even if you're having the worst of days, you will never have to live through the same day again. He also said he wants a wingsuit sometime in life, he said this while I was watching them play Steep. Fuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I think I might be incapable of love. Do you think that's true? Do I just want to be loved without actually doing any loving, or am I self-sabotaging now? I need to sleep and turn off my brain.