Saturday, May 26, 2018


Last night was one of those nights. I somehow felt all the waves of emotions I'd suppressed and there was only one way to let them out, and I bawled myself to sleep, the kind of bawling that clogged up my nose and I had to breathe through my mouth to get to sleep. One of my part-time colleagues had said something at work, "I don't know how you do nine-hour shifts five days a week, I feel like I'm rotting here from one shift" and I know it was a completely spur-of-the-moment remark and there was nothing malicious about it, but it got to me, and I'd already been feeling, so tired and so heavy, through the week. Then my colleagues were asking each other hypothetical questions again. One of them, Cheryl, asked which of our colleagues we'd pick to be adopted by, so that that person would be our parent. Cheryl said she'd pick me to be her mother, which rather surprised me, I didn't think we were close enough for her to feel that way. She said I'm more towards the "individualism" side and yet I'm still caring about other people's emotions. I didn't, I couldn't mention to her how much this struck a chord in me, but that was probably the thing that started me feeling and thinking through the night. I have had a weird experience with my parents and their parenting styles, and I know people say you turn into your parents, but I really hope I won't be a helicopter parent like my mother nor narcissistic like my father. I feel like a lot of parents tend to have kids, without thinking of them as adults in the future, without thinking of them as people of their own. I think this tends to apply even more when parents are religious. Some parents think it's okay to believe there is a God, there is a Big Man somewhere out there, that created us all just for us to worship Him (or Her), and so these people are completely okay with having kids for their kids to worship them as parents and basically be mini versions of themselves. And they never ever think it's selfish to do this. And I think I would actually like to have kids, I think I would love my kids no matter what or who they turn out to be, because I generally love people for being people. Yet I know, I would never want to raise kids unless I can guarantee that they won't have to struggle in their lives, with their sexuality, with finances, with capitalism. I don't want to add another person to the population if I have to see them struggling. So I think, perhaps if I mother my colleagues at work, that would be enough. Maybe I don't have to have kids of my own if I can be a mother figure to the people who are already in my life. Speaking of which, some of my colleagues at work who are my "daughters" had gotten me the urban decay x kristen leanne beauty beam highlighter palette for my birthday.

I love it.

But even more than that, I love it when people think of me as a mother.

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