Friday, October 19, 2018


I've now been to two therapy sessions with my current therapist at JCU. The first two sessions were for her to get to know me, so I talked about the whole mess that my life has been -- the parents, the dating, the school, the everything. My therapist read my blog and saw my tatt and she likes it! She said her partner was getting a tattoo at an apparently famous tattoo studio in New York, called Bang Bang (where JBiebs and Riri get their tatts done), and my therapist was also tempted to get one, but she didn't. She used to be a model so she hasn't got any tatts yet. She's a model turned therapist! I am in awe!

She asked me what activities I used to do in school, so I said I debated in polytechnic. I said that changed my life, because after debates, I never stopped questioning everything and not taking things as they are. She said that was what made me different, her clientele are mostly local Singaporeans, and she says she doesn't usually see the streak of questioning whether something is the best for them, like there is in me. I still think I would be a much happier person if I didn't question the status quo, but again, I guess the fact that I don't accept the status quo perhaps also means the happiness I would attain for myself is a much higher level of happiness than I have staying here. I told her of my plans to move, so if we do keep up with one session a week, I will have gotten eight sessions with her, for some course of therapy, before I leave.

We talked about LA, she also loves LA, and I knew instantly that we would click. We also talked about New York and my move. She asked me about my book, and I said I wanted it to be sci-fi, and she asked if I watched Black Mirror, which is obviously one of my favorite TV shows ever, and we talked about our favorite episodes and Jesus, I felt it was love at first therapy session. In my second session, she asked me to talk about the relationships or men I'd dated that I found most significant. I talked about my second boyfriend, the one who was the president of the debates club while I was vice-president, my best friend for three years with whom I was really happy. I also talked about Graysonuvabitch, who somehow cheated on his fiancée with me, 'cos I am so naive. I told her that really gave me trust issues, because I'd told him I hated my dad cheating, but he manipulated me with the things I'd told him instead. We talked so easily, like we were friends, that when she next checked her phone, she said "how has it been an hour?" which was how I felt too, like, what, my time is up???!?!!

After I left my second session, hours later when I was alone again, I thought, I didn't think about the man who knocked me up at all during my therapy session. I didn't think to mention him nor did he even cross my mind. Then I realised, even though it was a cog in the system, that put the past two years in motion, that led me to here, the person himself was not actually a character that mattered, it could have been replaced with anyone else to do the deed, and it would have done the same thing.

This past week, Adam and I talked about tattoos, and cumming, and birth control. We both agreed that birth control has traditionally been more for the ladies because the people in charge are men who are trash and would create birth control only for women, until only recently. He says he wouldn't mind checking out birth control for men if it existed, so we went to read up on some clinical trials. We also talked about Haruki Murakami, and how we disagree whether Murakami is a good writer (I say no, he says yes), and The Unbearable Lightness of Being --- I said I was scared, because I don't think you could ever really love someone without being scared, of course, right? When I say we talked about, I mean he and I talk at length about everything and I would put everything here just so it stays better in my memory, but you'd never stop reading what we talk about, because we never stop talking about pretty much anything.

This morning, Adam asked me about a shirt he wanted to get, and I realised, even when it is a mundane everyday topic like whether he should get a shirt, I love that he considers my opinion. I look forward to strolling around and deciding the mundane shit, like what to eat or whether I should cut my hair back into bangs or leave it long. I think this is the kind of thing that happens in most relationships, and I hope you find someone you love, who loves you back, so you can talk about all the mundane, run-of-the-mill things, and still be entertained and invested in it. I've been waking up anytime between 1am and 5am, sometimes because I receive emails from Lush NY, or my soon-to-be Brooklyn roomie, and the little phone notifications wake me. I've always had trouble sleeping alone, and perhaps there will be a solution to this in time to come. Adam has a thing about Ben, although I have dated other men since, because Ben also hails from Brooklyn. I have a thing about the Japanese, because Adam's ex was half-Japanese, and Adam and I watch this Japanese show called Terrace House (it is a really good show, considering!) and sometimes he says all these Japanese things and then I wonder if he's being reminded of his ex. Then I have to tell myself, his ex is not the only Japanese person in the world, and Japanese culture has existed long before she did, etc. It's strange, this kind of thing must happen in every relationship, and still, and still we all think much too much about it.

Anyway, he's down with a cold or flu thanks to the change of seasons and I just got my period, so I believe we have just been spending more time in our respective beds than anywhere else. Please remind me to pack Vitamin C and meds before I leave! I'm confused about whether to get what where (???), bc on the one hand 1SGD is 0.70USD which suxxxx for me, but otherwise, things can be pretty cheap in the US 'cos it's made there, whereas nothing is made in Singapore, not a single thing, so things here are expensive.
Adam: So should I get this shirt
Adam: Is it out of my lane

Sarah: Mmmmmm i really dk
Sarah: Your call to make

Adam: I need yr help
Adam: Will I impress u

Sarah: With that shirt? Lol Adam pls

Adam: What does that mean

Sarah: It means i dont need you to wear anyth to impress me, literally

Adam: Ugh
Adam: Will you think I'll look good in it!!!

Sarah: I think you look good in anything
Sarah: I like ur face

Adam: Aghhhh
Adam: Helppppp

Sarah: About that shirt?

Adam: Yes
Adam: Also u said I wouldn't look good in yellow
Adam: So u have SOME takes

Sarah: I think dont get it lol, rlly, unless you have somewhere to wear it to, like a particular look you're going for
Sarah: Oh yeah....
Sarah: Tru
Sarah: Like uh....
Sarah: To reduce waste, i've stopped buying New new things, like i buy secondhand or thrift or clothes swap
Sarah: So generally if i see online sales i dont indulge
Sarah: But thats me

Adam: I never buy any clothes lol so I think I'd live with that guilt

Sarah: Ok i feel like you want this
Sarah: Get it

Adam: You're not wrong but I've made fashion choices I disagree with
Adam: For myself

Sarah: How does that even work

Adam: I've bought sweatshirts I thought looked cool then was like lol this is trash

Sarah: Hahaha
Sarah: I think if you rlly like the shirt you should get it

Adam: Ok
Adam: Black grey blue or red

Sarah: Which do you like most on yourself

Adam: U

Sarah: I am not a color but if i were i would be pink or yellow neither of which you would like lol

Adam: Damn
Adam: Tru
Adam: I mean I already own a lot of black clothes
Adam: And light blue/dark blue
Adam: So they all look good on me but a pop of color might be nice too

Sarah: Ok

Adam: Imma go red

Sarah: Ok
Sarah: Can i see the red photo

Adam: (photo)

Sarah: Mmm

Adam: Got it already so only supportive commentary pls

Sarah: Hahahahahahahaha
Sarah: I love you
Sarah: Is that supportive enough

Adam: Not rly

Sarah: W h a t

Adam: It is not about my purchase!!!

Sarah: I told you it doesnt matter to me tho, i just said get it if you want, and you did, which is gr8!

Adam: Urgh

Sarah: Anyway when it arrives and you see how it looks on you then u can finally know how good the purchase is
Sarah: Not now

Adam: Tru
Adam: So wise

Sarah: Ofc
Sarah: It is my one year of experience i have on you

Adam: Tru
Adam: I mean
Adam: Hopefully you'll get a full year of experience
Adam: On
Adam: Me

Sarah: I didnt mean my one year experience of you
Sarah: I meant im a year older
Sarah: Lol
Also, my ex-schoolmate and friend Zahidah sent me a text saying she was glad I was seeking help, and it really made my day. I think it really helps when people encourage me to seek help, because it means they believe I can get better, and I really do want to get better and feel better.

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