Friday, March 15, 2019

ALONE

The phrase "staying together for the kids" is on my mind. I would reckon at least 60% of why I don't do well by myself is 'cos I yearn to be loved by a man, to prove that men don't always leave. I hate it when men disappear, and then they come back out of goddamn nowhere, it really reminds me of my dad. Please stick around, please stick around, please stick around. A couple of things Bennett said to me when we were dating resurfaced today: he said sometimes men don't stick around because they've seen that someone has gone through a lot, and there's a lot of pressure on them, they don't want to potentially add on to the hurt that's already been dealt to a person. He also said every day ends, so even if you're having the worst of days, you will never have to live through the same day again. He also said he wants a wingsuit sometime in life, he said this while I was watching them play Steep. Fuuuuuuuck. Sometimes I think I might be incapable of love. Do you think that's true? Do I just want to be loved without actually doing any loving, or am I self-sabotaging now? I need to sleep and turn off my brain.

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