Saturday, April 20, 2019

MIDNIGHT

I had a very long day at work. I don't know what it is about a bank holiday that just brings out the worst in retail customers, they are just dreadful, as if basic human decency also took a day off along with Good Friday. The physical exhaustion seeped into my mentality a little bit, and I just feel slightly defeated today, on everyone's behalf. I want to make apologies and I want to help and fix everyone, even if whatever broke them was about seven degrees separated from what I have ever affected in my life. I want to say, I'm sorry for causing a rift in your romantic life, I have never really meant to do it. I have never known your relationship status, so to be honest, I really never know what the situation is and what the acceptable response should be. I want to say, I'm sorry to your parents, and perhaps to mine, this must be a rude shock for any parent to find out about. I want to say, to all my exes' exes (the weird thing is my decades-ago-ex-boyfriends' ex-girlfriends-from-decades-ago read this and I will never understand why) that I must have been problematic at some point of time. I don't like female rivalry, I really, truly don't. I hate feeling like "fuck he's dating someone cuter now" because you know what, if any of my exes is dating someone cuter, good on both of you! I hope you both like each other and love each other and y'all are happy, and I wish this for all my exes, and my exes' exes. If, like me, you are an ex's ex and are single, then I hope you know that I am going to quote the Tinder profile that has been featured on Buzzfeed or wherever. The most precious person in the world, by the name of Jill, wrote this in her bio "Listen, I need to be clear about this: I think it is brave and good and pure of you to be looking for love and I know it can be really hard and defeating at times (we've all been there) but I hope that you don't let some stupid app make you feel any less valuable, loveable and worthy than you are. We might not match, not everyone is everyone's type, but I'm rooting for you and I hope you find what you're looking for." I am rooting for you, whoever you are. This goes out to an amalgamate of everyone I've dated or some form of person I've been: I hope you solve those daddy issues, I hope you stop gaslighting people, I hope you see a therapist and remember how to have feelings, I hope you stop allowing yourself to be gaslit, I hope you learn to trust again, I hope you let someone else in, I hope you find your happiness, I hope you heal. I'm rooting for you, and I'm rooting for me, and I'm really rooting for the person who's also looking for me, so they can root for me too.

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