Wednesday, September 04, 2019

NOT SUMMER

The time has almost come upon us. I should have been asleep three hours ago but as you can see, I am clearly not. In about three days, it will be three years to the day I took the flight back from LA, then discovered that I was pregnant, then miscarried. At which point, my great depression commenced. Even still, I yearn for LA. Or perhaps especially so, I yearn for LA because LA was pre-depression. I love the sun, I love the beach, I like solitary hikes by myself because if you still haven't been able to tell, I don't even really like talking to most people!!! (Or perhaps this was a post-depression thing.)

Anyway, today I was watching the videos of my second trip to LA, the two-month solo one, and I actually giggled thinking of the man I fell in love with. He is (was? don't know) a scientist with SpaceX, and he raced cars and motorbikes and he did not treat women particularly well, at least not while I was there. When I told Adam that Joey insisted we tip our pizza guy, Adam scoffed and said "that's what we all do here!" ....I literally loved someone for being a decent human being, doing the bare minimum, least ever. Don't twist my words, I still don't think he's a bad guy, he's a guy with good and bad sides, like we all are, but truly, what on Earth was I thinking??

In fact, even Adam is a privileged kid, in my eyes. And the Ben who was in Singapore, his Harvard education was fully funded. (One of them voted Bernie and the other for Hillary.) My current boyfriend hates the corporation he works for, hates Elon Musk and Richard Branson and capitalism, and wants to join the guerrilla fighters to save the environment (what guerilla fighters??? I don't even know!!!!). What is even my taste in men and what connects them all to each other?? White skin and the fact that I can insult them all and they have to accept it 'cos their ancestors colonized my continent??

Sometimes, like Joaquin Phoenix's character in Her, I feel like I've felt the most intense version of everything I'm ever gonna feel in my life, and the rest of it will just pale in comparison.

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