Tuesday, April 23, 2019

IN MY HEAD

My sister just received a call that her appeal to go back to school was approved. She'd been automatically removed due to failing the same module twice, and her attendance was poor. My sister has had anxiety and depression, and she hasn't taken well to any therapist she's seen, so she hasn't gone consistently, and when faced with difficult situations like a module she's already failed, she would tend to avoid it rather than put in more effort for it. Last week, we went to talk to a panel of her course mentors and teachers, and I had to do most of the talking 'cos Lyssa is an introvert, I had to bring across her thoughts so that they would understand her. So they would trust that she wants this, and that she would henceforth be more consistent with therapy and that her drive and grit would be sustainable until she graduates. The funny thing is the module she failed is a Math one, and my best friend is an engineer and could and would have helped her all the way. I think sometimes we are too scared to accept our weaknesses and flaws when there is no need to be. We all have weaknesses and need help, even if they're all in different aspects of our lives.

I told my best friend Han that the appeal was successful, and I wish I would get the same news for my own school application. Han said pseudo mom duties really suit me. Just yesterday in Homecoming I read the line "you can't be what you can't see", a line I really believe in. It's mostly used to explain why women don't succeed in certain industries, like STEM, because they don't see their women peers doing it or having done it. You can use it as an excuse not to do something, or you can use it as the reason you do something, so that the people after you will have less of an excuse. In my head, I have this vision of setting up an almost sort-of halfway home, for kids who don't feel safe or accepted in their homes. It could be due to believing in a different religion or no religion at all, it could be due to poor performance in school, it could be for kids who have failing mental health issues who are not being advocated for properly by their parents, for people who are exploring their fluid genders and sexualities. I'm not sure if I will ever get the capital to set this up, but I have this vision. Even though my mom was not equipped to be the right mother for me through my miscarriage situation, I don't want to excuse myself that I would not be a good mother because I didn't see the values I can emulate from my own birth mom. I want to foster and advocate for surrogate children and even adults who are being failed, and I want to be the responsible adult despite what the system has allocated me. There are too many people who don't feel safe and supported in their natural birth homes, and they're not being allowed to succeed where they naturally would. You can't be what you can't see, and I want to be the person they can and they do see, so they really do become whoever it is they want to be.

This is why I applied to study psychology or women and gender studies, so I can understand people and perhaps advise and counsel them better. I want this halfway house to be the family they perhaps never got but rightfully deserve. I'm thinking there are this type of shelters in the US, but I don't think it's as prevalent in Singapore, but I'm not sure.

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