Thursday, April 23, 2020


A while ago, Lucas said I should start a Twitch stream and he thought I could succeed at it, but I didn't know what I would play. Today I saw some really cute, hilarious, entertaining Youtube videos of a Twitch streamer on her Animal Crossing: New Horizons island, and I thought wow I'd love to do that. Unfortunately, although two of my sisters have the Nintendo Switch, I am saving up for my studies so I do not own one. I think I could do well on Animal Crossing, I'm fastidious and meticulous and I have certain qualities that would make me good at this game, like I was at Harvest Moon and Spyro. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still going through the traditional route of getting a degree when I really can't afford one at this time, but I really want to do something useful and contribute in some way to the world.

Anyway, in the past week I've been adjusting better to the quarantine and made sure I've gotten enough sunlight and stretching. I cooked every day, I cooked a beef stew, broccoli penne rigate in a cream sauce, keema, and a minestrone soup, all from scratch. My mom and sister had high praise for the soup, although honestly, recipes can be really simple to follow.

I had therapy today, and this is the second time my therapist has really liked me (the first was Sonia), she said she really enjoys the one hour every week she gets to spend with me. I also really like my one hour of therapy a week. I told her it is possibly the one hour in a week that I'm as present and mindful as I can ever be, and she said she knows it. I know my therapists appreciate me because I'm committed to working on my issues, I'm open and vulnerable and I can say the things that I know I should fix within myself. I'm also very receptive towards all the different activities that she suggests for me. Today we learned that I might be actively closing myself off from connecting meaningfully because I'm usually living in the past or the future. This is true, you will always find me reminiscing about my past endeavors or also really just fantasizing about my life in Canada, or the future I lead in any place but here. I recognize that it would be hard for anyone to reach out and really trust me or deepen our connection when I'm really not fully here, and I'm not so invested in the here and now.

I've been reading a book called Learned Optimism, and I haven't gotten too far yet, but I appreciate its lessons so far. I do hope it carries through, because one of my biggest disappointments are books that start out with a strong theme or idea but then sort of become meh halfway. I read somewhere, not in this book, that the human brain matures at 25 years old. That means that's when we start to think about the future, wanting to have savings in place, thinking about long-term consequences of our actions and our lives instead of just living in the present moment without a care. Sometimes I really discount my foundational toddler years because when my parents were together, I didn't have a healthy environment so I would give myself a free pass that now, when I am thirty, is when I'm probably reaching twenty-five. I give myself enough credit for being however mature I am now, at the age that I am. (Speaking of thirty, I will be spending my entire birth month of May in the apartment thanks to the quarantine and that really, really is getting to me.)

In a post not too long ago, but before COVID blew up, I said I wish I could go out to the central business district and start a protest and convince everyone to stop participating in mindless consumption or even to stop perpetuating the capitalist system by just refusing to work, but I was afraid I'd be arrested in this city that outlaws protests. Now, I have been given my wish, because we are all staying home and are even being given a tiny little bit of financial incentive by the government. That means, this could properly be a revolution, if more people could acknowledge that we are actually doing fine without engaging in mindless labor, without constantly buying new things to distract ourselves. The emptiness and the silence on the streets may not feel normal now, but we're humans, we've always been able to train and recalibrate ourselves to new forms of normalcy.

My therapist seems to like me because we were doing work in which I chose the values I want to align with, and one of mine is justice. I talk a lot about social justice, and climate justice, and I can tell we would get along if we were friends, because I would assume many therapists also care about such issues. If they didn't care so much, they wouldn't care about trying to help other people. I, however, am aware that not all therapists are good therapists.

Alrighty, have a good weekend ahead, y'all. Also I am still very sad that I will be turning thirty at home. Please cheer me up.

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