Wednesday, May 06, 2020

DAMNED IF I DON'T


shake it out, shake it out
and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back
so shake him out

I'm done with my graceless heart
so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'cos I like to keep my issues drawn
it's always darkest before the dawn

I doubt this is the first time I'm sharing this, though I don't remember the last time I did. I wonder how old these kids are now, and what they're doing with their lives. It's been one of my favorite renditions of a favorite song for the past five years, and! It's not a Taylor Swift song, although the title is pretty similar to her song that I also love, hehe.

I'm having a slight bummer of a week. I wrote to my therapist about it.

The last time I saw a group of my previous best friends was my birthday last year, after which we fell out. I've gone through this before, I know that when it's coming up to dates that have been tumultuous in previous years, my body will act like an alarm clock and remind me to feel all sorts again.

I know I have nothing to worry about, spending my 30th birthday at home. I have a man who loves me dearly, possibly looking for a bakery that's still open, to order my favorite kind of cake. I have friends and colleagues who are always looking out for me, I'm glad that my two previous workplaces have had people who have gone out of their way to feel like a family. I will always have people who love me, somehow, by virtue of what I do on social media and the interwebs, telling me that what I do for them is important, that I am important, and I am eternally grateful.

Working from home is not all fun and games. Yeah, sure there's no commute and you can wake up five minutes before your scheduled call and still be on time. It doesn't feel good, though. My friends and I are starting to feel a bigger burnout from WFH calls than if we were at our real workplaces. Home used to be a safe space, where you felt safe and protected from work responsibilities, and there used to be boundaries. Those boundaries exist in smaller, blurrer forms now.

Lucas has been urging me to start my studies in September of this year in Vancouver, because he worries that Singapore isn't the best environment for my mental health, not to mention living with my family.

Yet, due to the pandemic, my friends who were studying abroad in New York and in Australia, are back in Singapore, doing online classes at god-awful times in Singapore, due to timezone differences. I'm worried it will be the same when I eventually start school in Canada. My student visa may not be enough to let me stay, or even when I'm there, I may be cooped up inside. Also, of course the pandemic and quarantine are affecting my finances, and it doesn't feel like the right time to take on a financial burden.

I don't know what to do.

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